Lack of parenting
5 December 2020 at 11:01 pm #46665
I’m a single mum needing to vent and after some advice.
My daughter is 6 and she has recently started spending more time staying over at her dads. Previously he very rarely saw her, was usually only ever birthday and Christmas. I feel he has never really tried too hard to see her regularly to build a bond/relationship with her until more recently. We used to meet up at a play centre for him to see our daughter and I would always have to encourage him to get up and go play with her. His partner tries her best as well to encourage him to interact with our daughter, me and his partner get along well and I get along well with my ex too.
However the problem I’m having is that everytime my daughter visits her dad he regularly calls me to tell me she’s being bad and giving attitude, he tells me he’s worried to tell her off cos he thinks I’ll be angry if she comes home saying she’s been told off. I’ve told him that he needs to be a parent and if she’s bad then he needs to tell her off, I’m fed up of him always calling me saying these things and saying we need to have a big talk about it.
She’s probably acting out as it is all still very new for her and she’s probably testing the boundaries with him and also she’s a child and they can be attitudey. At my home she’s normally very well behaved, rarely have any issues.
I feel like my ex is expecting me to be the “bad” parent and wants me to talk to our daughter about how she behaves at his house which isn’t fair on me and also won’t help the situation will probably make it worse.
He made me pick her up early one time because of her “attitude” and told me that if it doesn’t stop then he will feel “uncomfortable” having her over again! He’s very selfish and it’s always about how he feels and what he wants, doesn’t think of how our daughter feels.
I just don’t know how to get through to him that he just needs to grow up and start being a proper father!7 December 2020 at 3:38 pm #46724
My Daughters (3) mum is exactly the same, she often misses her contact and when she does have her I always get a call asking to pick her up, at first I just did it thinking its probably the best thing to do
When I spoke to her about it stopped for a month and my daughter was coming home in a foul mood and very aggressive, she would swear at me, throw things at me, shout at me and tell me she hates me (remember she’s 3)
in the end I decided if I wanted her to grow up to be the best person she could be, I’d had to just swallow my annoyance with the situation and get on with it,
I Also remember my dad was the disciplinarian of my family, and while I was scared of him finding out Id been naughty for my mum or at school as I got older I started to appreciate the fact that if I had done something wrong he would call me on it and give my actions concenquences.
If your Ex doesn’t want to be the bad guy in the end he’s only loosing the respect of your daughter (which is of course horrible) and for a while she may not like you, but as she gets older she will understand that it was you who always tried to make her into a good person.
It’s difficult but and stressful but their are always moments that make it feel worthwhile. My advice would be to encourage him to the ‘bad’ guy when he needs to be, but if he doesn’t don’t worry about it, your doing great!