Lack of communication.

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  • #9862 Report


    With wife 37 years 31 years married (my only love) four children 11 to 21.

    Was pressure at work for 1.5 years then son attempted self harm after breaking up with first love.  Police called 3 times in 2 days as said he would kill himself.

    I was firm she was soft but he started to damage the house.

    Separated 9 months meet once only, limited access to children mediation refused.

    If we cannot talk what can I do?

    Family have taken sides and are trying to control our relationship.  But friends trying to help.



    #9874 Report


    Well, you could go to court for access issues but that will only impact children under 16 and even then, children over 13 can make their own choices about access. Family do take sides, that’s just how it is, especially when they feel it’s over anyway and they can break cover.

    It rather depends what it is you want to happen next that is reasonable and achievable. So, what is it you want?

    #9943 Report



    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>I want to see my children on a regular basis since we separated 9 months ago I have only seen them 15 times for between 2 to 5 hours on each occasion.</span></span>


    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>I am aware of PAS (Parent Alienation syndrome) where the children take the side of the parent that they have most contact with.</span></span>


    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>I went to a mediator for access rights and my wife went to another mediator for divorce and financial settlement.<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”>  </span></span><span style=”color: #000000;”>She refused to meet mine and I accepted hers and she then declined.</span></span>


    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>My 13 year old daughter is happy to see me as long as her 11 year old sister comes as well.</span></span>


    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>The 11 year old said that she does not understand what is happening and why?<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”>  </span></span><span style=”color: #000000;”>She wants mum and dad to be friends again.</span></span>


    <span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’,’serif’;”><span style=”color: #000000;”>I do not wish to force my children to see me but realise without regular contact things could get worse. <span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”>  </span><span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span><span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span></span></span>


    #9948 Report


    Then your only hope sadly is to take the matter to court. You need a mediator who can issue a MIAM (PM me if unsure). She doesn’t have to be there for you to get it. I am in a similar situation. Court isn’t big or scary or will end with anyone getting a criminal record. It’s about what’s best for the children. They expect both parents to get quality time with their children. If she’s blocking that and mediation, it’s your only route save for accepting what you have now.

    Let me know if I can help further. All the best.

    #9949 Report


    Re mediator, you don’t have to go together.

    My ex and I went separately because of domestic violence and were interviewed.

    As a consequence of what was discussed, it was the mediator who decided that mediation was not appropriate for our family and advised the Court accordingly.

    There’s no legal aid available for the hearings 😮

    Regarding the criminal damage to the house, my son caused thousands of pounds of damage.

    Also the police have been called out many times to help with my son.

    If you would like to chat about anything please feel free to message me.

    Take care


    #9957 Report


    Thanks for the advice.

    My mediator issued the form to say that she had declined to attend and I got the C100 form for the family court.

    She said that there is no need to go to court as we have arranged access and financial matters between ourselves.

    My child maintenace requirement is £711 a month and I am paying £1,644 to cover other costs such as the mortgage.

    I do not wish for my children to be involved in our disagreements but feel that they are being turned against me.

    Cannot remember the court fees think £250 but the solicitor wanted £1,200?

    It would be a good idea if Gingerbread, Mums net and Dads info were to set up a panel of adjuicators to act as a cost effect alternative to a family court.

    Perhaps willing members from each group with a mediator passing the final say.

    Better than divorce arbitration?

    I tried to get my wife to enter into a memorandom of understanding so that we each agreed to act as adults hich was rejected.

    Took the parenting plan off dads info but there needs to be agreement.

    To be honest just find it hard to accept that the marriage is to end.


    #9958 Report


    £215. You don’t need a solicitor. Here’s some links which may help.

    Advice re: arrangements for children, mediation, going to court

    Separation disputes:

    Arrangements for children:

    Going to court without a lawyer: Personal Support Unit

    Representing yourself in court:

    Children should be at the centre of all decision-making:

    <span style=”mso-fareast-font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; color: black; mso-themecolor: text1; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;”>Practice Direction 12b – Child Arrangements Programme: </span><span style=”mso-fareast-font-family: ‘Times New Roman’; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;”></span&gt;

    All the best.

    #10010 Report


    Stanton, may I ask why you are required to pay so much child maintenance? My ex only has to pay £37 a week. I am wondering now if this is fair.

    #10015 Report


    Probably due to my salary which is about £45,600 per annum after pension payments.  Think the very basic rate per child is £12.23 per week so if you have three children and your partner is on a minimum wage or drawing a pension would be about right.  You can check on line at the calculate my child maintenance payments.  The CAB checked my payments.


    #10064 Report


    Surprise change of social worker male to female now understands my concerns and has insisted on an access contact plan which wife will adhere to and each visit to be reported.

    A complete turn round perhaps it needed a woman to understand a woman?

    #10065 Report


    You’re so lucky. My instinct is to say no, men and women are equally able to be good and bad at their job. But, wearing a parenting hat I say well done. Think how lucky you have to be to have a child, and to have the specific child you have. It is trillions upon trillions upon never-illions to one. Getting a sympathetic social worker? Ok, easy by comparison. Still, count your blessings. All good luck to you.

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