Kids meeting the new girlfriend
4 June 2018 at 4:06 pm #11832
Hi, bit of a back story before my query (for context)
I’ve / we’ve been separated for just over a year now. Ex had contact with our children but has always seen them at family home or sometimes at grandparents with me present, except a handful of times when I’ve been working so he’s been alone with them at mine. This was our original agreement, he said he didn’t want them at his new home and sleep overs wouldn’t happen.
About two two months ago ex revealed he had a girl friend (which he’d denied having when I first asked at Christmas time). At the same time he told us she was 20week pregnant.
I informed my kids and from this they decided they just wanted a relationship with Dad, as they’ve never had any one on one time with him. They wanted nothing to do with his new girlfriend until they felt more comfortable with Dad.
I told him this but nothing was arranged, he still came for a few hours here and there.
Today I received a text off of him asking to take out the girls. I asked who with and he said he wanted to introduce them to girlfriend, get them comfortable with her before the new baby arrives.
I re-asked kids. They said no (they are 8 and 5). They just want a relationship with Dad solo for now. Eldest is very anxious about the prospect of meeting new girlfriend and both are insecure about their relationship with Dad.
I’ve told my kids I will support them in their decision, and told ex he needs to take it slowly with them. This is about them.
Its also got me thinking though, what do you do when ex wants to introduce your kids to someone you know nothing about? It’s just not normal naturally to hand them over to a complete stranger, so I’m wondering do I do? I can’t really 100% trust his decisions because lack of trust was a huge reason our relationship broke down. I’m concerned that they want to play happy families, that introducing them is part of this and she will have no clue he’s hidden her from us for months and months, but in reality they haven’t even been together a year and my mama-bear instincts want me to protect my kids from that emotional nightmare.4 June 2018 at 5:11 pm #11834
I wonder if you could talk to your children about having them over for lunch or something? Then you and she could go off for an hour or so and they get Daddy time and you get to know her a bit. It gives your children a chance to meet her in a safe environment but not have to interact that much beyond being polite. If they see you happy with her, they might feel more relaxed. Just an idea. Try these numbers for more advice:
Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk
Families Need Fathers: https://fnf.org.uk/
The latter is not just for Fathers (it started as that, hence the name), but it might help to get some other advice and compare against the first. The first number is brilliant…
All the best.4 June 2018 at 7:19 pm #11836
Thanks, although I’m not convinced them seeing me happy with her for one meeting will really work. I’ll not be happy and it takes me a long time to trust people. I could think of something to facilitate I guess but it likely it won’t happen as he won’t want us two to mix – I’ll untangle any fabrications he has spun. He won’t want that.
Plus I’m annoyed as she has kids and they already did this with hers ages ago. Them going out and about and him doing more than he ever did with his own kids. He hid her, and her kids and the fact that she’s pregnant from us and is now in a rush because of baby. So im mad that my kids, who are anxious and need time dealing with stuff have to have their emotions bulldozers over for the convenience of other people.
Ill do some more research, soul searching. See if I can attempt a compromise. I don’t know.