Kids meeting dads new partner

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  • #52666 Report

    Ealiz
    Participant

    Hi, about 18 months ago my husband of 13 years left me for his PA. She is 13 years younger and they had been having an affair for 15 months. He moved to a different town and saw the kids (9&12) 2-3 times a month. Recently he bought me out of the family home and the kids and I are setting into our new home and doing ok really. Unfortunately tonight my son informed me that a lady is going to be moving in with Daddy. Obviously this is the same woman that he had the affair with but up to now the kids kids knew nothing about her. Getting to the point, I’m devastated by this! Ive confronted my ex and he confirmed that she is moving into out former home and will be meeting the kids. I feel like he should consult me about how to do this and what the children get told but he isn’t interested. I know how I should behave but I really, really want to badmouth this woman to the kids. I won’t. But I’m just so scared that they will like her more than me. I’m not sure how I can cope with her living in the same town as me. I feel like my head is going to explode. Sorry to ramble.

    #52674 Report

    Shimmy
    Participant

    Hi Eliz

    It’s hard! Inside your screaming and crushed but you have to smile and be encouraging to the children.
    I went through a similar thing. He took the children shopping and just introduced them to his new partner. My daughter wasn’t keen but my son really liked her. He was much younger and they did all fun activities together. I dreaded the children going and hated to hear all the fun times.
    So I decided for my own sanity to preoccupy myself with the gym, home improvements and a running club. I would have the biggest smile plastered on my face when the children arrived back. Looking fantastic.
    The children soon got older and wanted to be home more with me or go out with their friends. My ex later split with other woman and moved on to the next.
    Keep going! You’ve got this!!!!

    #52676 Report

    Leader1978
    Participant

    Hi Ealiz

    I can see this is a very difficult situation for you; it is inevitable that ex partners will at some point move on and this includes meeting new partners.  I appreciate that acceptance of the situation is challenging especially when their are children involved. All you can do is focus your energies on having fun with the children whilst they are in your care; your children are coming up to that age where they will be wanting more social interaction with friends.

    You have mothered your children for 12 years and therefore, that bond and trust has been established with them and could never be replaced by anyone else.

    As Shimmy has suggested, the key is to keep yourself busy and occupy your mind when the kids are visiting their father.  Keep positive thoughts in your mind.

    #52679 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    hello ealiz,

    first you are definitely not alone in this. This fear of being replaced and again rejected, this time by the children, as second best, after the partner has already done so and betrayed all the trust in him or her, is hard to bear. I think I was hardly through the door, when he came in. But what you have to remember is, for you this relationship is over. You have nothing to do with it any more, and he can’t hurt you the same way again, if you don’t let him. He has betrayed you, replaced you with a younger model, the same happened to me, and thinks all his problems are solved, and he has a new lease in life. Life doesn’t work that way unfortunately. Crime doesn’t pay and hard work is it , that does the trick. So if he wasn’t prepared to work on his marriage, he will most likely not be prepared to work on his relationship with his children as well. But glossing over will not be enough over the years to come. For you, it hurts, the fear is there, but it is much bigger than the actual danger is. It is more like a shadow on the wall, and you are the candle to illuminate it. The more wick you give it, the bigger the shadow will be.

    Five years down the road, their mother is on her third “boyfriend” now, each of them was immediately introduced to the children as the knight in shinning armour, and you can imagine, all her efforts to replace me have backfired. The only one who is still there, has always been there and will be there tomorrow for sure is me. The only one, who has never let them down and where they have never been second best, is not their mother. And they know it.

    If your ex-husband took the matter serious, he would try to mitigate the effect on your children with you. As he doesn’t, he just tries to gloss over. As long as he doesn’t invest hard work, face his deeds and take the consequences, he will most likely not be able to build any meaningful long term relationship with his children. And if his partner is willing to put in the hard work, she will get in touch with you. And this will mean, you are always number one if it comes to the children.

    Your children are far too old to just forget about you. They won’t just replace you with someone else. It doesn’t work that way.

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