Keep going round in circles. Newly separated.

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Lackie45 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #25880 Report

    Lackie45
    Participant

    Hi all. Thank goodness I found this forum.

    Im recently officially separated but still living together.  Last year was awful. I moved into spare room as I just didn’t love my husband anymore. I have tried for years but lots of reasons. However after Xmas he joined a dating website and I found out he has met someone new.  We have two beautiful children and I wanted our family to stay intact. There is no going back now but I keep thinking the grass isn’t greener and I’m terrified of future. I keep thinking what if we had done counselling earlier   Why didn’t we make more time for each other etc. I just can’t seem to be hopeful about future. I’m having therapy. Which is helping. I can’t seem to focus for long or relax or even enjoy my own company. Will this get easier?? Thanks for listening

    #25881 Report

    SoccerDad
    Participant

    Hi,

    I know exactly how you feel – been living pretty much separately under the same roof for a long time but was trying to keep it together for the sake of the kids. Decision has been made to separate which is now happening, and I’ve had a couple of months to get used to it and it does get easier.

    I didn’t have the shock of the dating site thing, but I didn’t make the call to end it, so still had a lot to deal with at the start when it first happened.

    To start with, you’ll find yourself asking yourself loads of “what if” questions – what if we’d gone to counselling sooner, what if I’d said this, he’d done that, how will I feel when we show as separated on Facebook and all the messages start coming through, what will the kids say etc?

    Then, after a few weeks, things start to get a bit clearer; and when you start to find that the clouds start to clear, you find yourself having more positive thoughts and more able to plan the future. I remember about 7 weeks ago, sitting up at 4am mapping out my plan to get back on my feet – and all of a sudden, for the first time in years, I felt in control of my life and my destiny, and everything became much clearer.

    There have been a few blips over recent weeks, but these are few and far between and I’m now able to spend the whole day in the company of STBEW and just feel neutral to a large degree. My blips have been more missing being part of a couple, texting news to each other, watching a movie together, little token gifts etc – stuff that hasn’t really gone on for months, so it has been easier as I’m used to not doing that. Also, fear of the unknown has been there – the overwhelm of starting again, but when you read some of the stories on here where people have come out the other side much happier, it gives you confidence.

    Ask yourself this – do you want to stay in a relationship where you no longer love the person, with the toxic atmosphere that creates, with kids who see Mum and Dad clearly not getting on and sleeping separately, or is it better to take the plunge, move on and know that you will be happier? You’ll find someone new when you’re ready, and in the mean time you can focus on your kids and spending quality time with them.

    You’ve done totally the right thing, you deserve a happy life and being in a marriage where you no longer love the person won’t give you that. Don’t settle  – do what is best for you, and when you’re happier, so will your kids be.

    SD

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  SoccerDad.
    #25883 Report

    Libra87
    Participant

    Hi,

    i am currently in the situation you are in. There has been a lot of issues throughout my marriage in regards to my husband not helping me out at all around the house and the kids. He will play with them but never gets up with them, wash them, dress them etc.

    i have found myself not being able to make many of the decisions in the relationship as he likes to make the decisions so I end up just going along with it for an easy life.

    Anyway, I have built up resentment especially recently and I have felt my feelings for him diminishing. We are still living together but the atmosphere is awful. We argue a lot. I’m also really down because of all of this.

    Please can anybody give me some advice as really am feeling rubbish 😩 x

    #25890 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi All

    I let the mother of our kids live with us for 15 months as the saying goes for the sake of the kids. She’s gone now.

    Although everyone situation is different I believe it doesn’t work.

    Doing so leads to hope that as a couple you will sort things out and be together again. Although this can happen the tough reality is that it’s rare

    As you will see by my last post I had melt down and I honestly believe that if we didn’t agree for her to come and live with us that it wouldn’t of been so severe

    one of the scariest part of a separation for me is the change of routine and the loneliness.

    To be brutally honest I don’t see the point of staying in a loveless relationship as it may turn toxic and that’s no good for anyone

    They say that a separation is similar to a bereavement.It does get easier as time goes by.

    If there is no feeling at all what’s the point

    I reached out to Social Services for help. They provided what is called Early Help for me and the kids and they are fantastic they provide invaluable information as to what help is out their.

    It is scary however it is possible to move on.

    Life is to short believe you me

    I believe you have to make a choice for the better even if not one you want to

    All the best

    P

     

     

     

     

     

    #25956 Report

    Lackie45
    Participant

    Thanks everyone. I feel for us all. I keep looking at other happy families and feeling jealous. We used to be like that. We are beyond repair hitch I now accept. You are right sd not to be in a marriage with no love   We need to be happy again and the kids will too. Trying to take each day as it comes ! Thanks for listening. Stay strong everyone we are not alone in this journey. Xx

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