Just separating, mixed feelings

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  • #56173 Report


    Hi all,

    A little strange being here.

    My wife and I separated nearly 2 weeks ago. I know this does not seem long but we have been here before about 4 years ago and got back together however this time it seems set in stone. I have very strange emotions at the moment. Sad as we have 2 children (6 and 9) yet there is a sense that a weight has been lifted.

    All seems amicable at the moment. I am back at my parents and she is at the house. I have had the children to sleep over twice at the weekends and twice for dinner (after school then take home).

    I feel non of this is either of our faults. My wife/exwife struggles with mental health and this has been very hard for both of us. I tried to motivate and support her however this has now been seen by her as control, by compartmetilising everything and focusing all the negative things in her life/past on me. She reads into things to much and see’s the worse. It is hard to talk to her because she reads it wrong. I don’t feel that separating is why a weight has been lifted, that sounds like I’m running away from it which I am not. I want to stay with her, support her, see her go back to work and get strong again. I want us to be a solid family unit again. However she feels she can take on the world on her own and that she needs to do this to feel like herself again. Sadly with out me.

    We are ok in front of the children which is good however there is not much chat between us which I want for the children’s sake.

    This was her idea with my backing. I didn’t want to be on my own which leads me to my next question. How soon is to soon to be socialising again. I dont mean doing anything I shouldn’t like sleep around but I mean just seeing meeting up with a female for a drink. I still love my wife/ex wife so much but is it fair on myself to feel lonely when this was not my decision. I am just supporting her through hers.


    I’m sorry if this seems a bit all over the place. its nice just to get things down and out of the head. ๐Ÿ™‚

    If anyone else is in the same situation please reply.

    #56176 Report


    If it’s not the first time you’ve separated and you think this is the final time then it’s an open market,isn’t it? But if you don’t know what you’re doing it’s a bit cruel to get involved with anyone else and lead them on.I think.But people do it all the time.Which doesn’t make it better.Makes it worse in fact.

    That was helpful wasn’t it?

    #56177 Report


    Yes thanks is very true Gumibear123.

    I totally agree that no one should be led up the garden path and things should go nice and steady with both parties knowing the situation. With the ex wife’s state of mind this could makes things less amicable which is hard for me as it holds me back and puts her first again. it is so tricky to know how tell her

    “If this is what you want, if you don’t see me in the same way anymore and you don’t feel you can then I need to look after myself and put myself first. You have my full support and I want us to remain great friends, not just for the children but ourselves and all the good time we had. I want to move forward myself, this will help me grow stronger again and be myself for the children and yourself what ever you need.”

    I know trying to say in in the nicest way will turn in the “mud” fitting the fan. And she’ll think I’m putting pressure on her etc.

    She has contacted mediation not me but has told me to hold off while she gets aid, so I guess that will be the time to face the topic. It it just doing my head in with the waiting etc. If she changes her mind i will go back and support her. I know there are things I can improve on but it has to be for us and not the children. They will be loved and looked after either way that is why I have not really mentioned them.

    #56180 Report


    That little speech you’ve put in speech marks sounds very chilled….Just my opinion here but I think all this ‘staying great friends’ thing is total nonsense.Does anyone else?

    Maybe I’m the only one,who knows?!

    If I had a relationship that I put my whole heart into then why would I be ok seeing it all go to pot or seeing my other half swanning off with s1 else? These situations call for Complete honesty with oneself. If it kills you then try to fix it and with some luck you may have a chance at success.If you’re talking about moving on and you don’t mind seeing the ex with s1 else then by all means move on.How can anyone be so peach & vanilla about this,it’s your life.

    But at the end of the day everybody sees and feels things differently,it’s like you can’t explain how a colour looks to s1 who’s never seen it.So like I said: just my opinion.And I hope you don’t make any big decisions based on anything you read here.Trust your gut.(And btw from what you write it sounds like she gives all the orders & you just do what she wants,when she wants…but obv it’s hard to know details from here).I hope you come to a decision that gives you peace of mind eventually though.

    #56190 Report


    Thanks Gumibear123,

    Some of what you say is true and I agree, but like you say its hard to know when you are not here. Either way I appreciate your honest opinion. ๐Ÿ™‚


    #56193 Report


    Super Ted l’m new here right now and it is my first time commenting too. It appears if you are completely honest with yourself I believe that you have already admitted yourself that it’s not really working out and that you know you are ready to move on, but you have feelings for ex wife still and probably always always will,ย  but you don’t want her to be upset or angry if you do move on, meet up with another woman. You don’t want problems, you don’t want ex wife kicking off, ranting or behaving irrationally and possibly preventing or making access to the children extremely difficult for you. Though remember this was her idea with your backing, so perhaps she won’t care if she sees or knows you are out/in with other women, perhaps her feelings for you are long gone, and it is you being egotistical believing she would care enough to be upset, get angry, kick off, feel sad or break down as you belive she does indeed need you. I sense egotistical narcistic controller vibes from you in your words. Appears to me your ex wife is done with you, has little to say to you, she’s keeping it amicable for the children’s sake and couldn’t care less what you do, or get up too so long as you keep up your responsibility for the children also. You come across blase and rather quite self-centered and immature. It isn’t about you it isn’t about her the only people that matter are the young people, the children you both have, it is they that are the most important, and they who come first and foremost. What you two adults “supposed adults” want to do, well that is up to you both, but don’t mess around, the children they come first whatever you pair “one way or another”ย  do otherwise apart from eachother and aside from the children is up to you both, but that comes second of all because the children, their welfare, their stability, safety,ย  love and care come first no matter what you pair want to venture into as divorced/separated from eachother individuals. Those kids come first. Both your personal wants come second and shouldn’t be thought about just yet. Give your head a wobble and grow up!!!

    #56195 Report


    Yikes PTsMum,

    Do you realize you may well be heading for a telling off from the Moderators in the morning?

    You’re farrrrr too rough for some of the gentle souls on here who apparently think it’s fine & dandy to rip kids’ homelife apart in the pursuit of personal gratification or happiness or whatever they call it.I’m not talking about Super-ted (I actually got the impression it was his wife who was giving orders but I could be wrong) or anyone in particular but there are an appalling amount of couples where either one half or both thinks marriage/relationships are just revolving doors.It is absolutely shocking how immature,selfish and uneducated in relationships some people can be sometimes.

    I thought it was just me who has old fashioned ideas…good to ‘make your acquaintance’๐Ÿ˜‰

    #56269 Report


    Hi Gumibear123,

    I have read your post a few times and wanted to reply as it seems I’m in a similar situation but it’s my husband who doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, this has been going on since Oct last year and I suggested it would be better he moved out for my own mental health. The uncertainty was doing a lot of damage. I found out in the Nov that another woman was involved too which has shocked him and myself that he would do something like that. I know people are human and make mistakes, I was willing to make it work, things were, in my eyes getting better but then something just didn’t feel right and turns out sometimes he loves me and sometimes he doesn’t, sometimes he finds me attractive and sometimes be doesn’t. I told myself to be patient as he was dealing with the guilt of everything and seeing me hurting wasn’t helping so carried on until 2 weeks ago. I don’t want him back unless he’s coming back for me, not just the family. I have had a lot of rejection issues from men in my life so hubby has always worried about that, puts pressure in a relationship and I was too scared to fully let my guard down which means I never fully showed him how much I love him. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us.

    I thought I’d share my situation as it really does sound similar, the only thing I thought was if you are thinking about dating other women, have you not already made your own mind up? Was it you that wanted to separate?

    #56441 Report


    I would seriously let the dust settle, if you need to socialise go for a pint / round of golf with a mate! Whilst I’m not saying wait around forever, from what you say you still love her but if you start going out with other women no matter how innocent it might be the jungle drums will assume the worst. If you do get involved with someone and then go back to your wife then it will always be there in the background and as you noted your wife will assume the worst anyway. It’s not worth the grief until you are 100% sure its over, until then hold back and concentrate on the children.

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