Just separated

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  • #51327 Report


    Hi I’m new to this group and found myself a single mum to 3 kids today.

    I moved into a new home a year ago just as lockdown began, my then partner did not move with us as I needed space to sort my own issues out.

    So many things have happen this year and i have some how found myself completely friendless, (my close friends became closer to my partner than me).

    Over the past year he has had atleast six  affairs, all of which he says were only there to make me jealous. through this I have found myself become so used to his lies i stopped loving him and pushed him away his behaviour was very controlling, and he told me I was never allowed to leave him and must find a way to love him, as we were never gonna be separated.

    I have become very withdrawn and inverted this year as he made me feel very scared, I have had nobody to talk too as it has been forbidden, even now.

    my daughter has changed and become rude very protective to the point she will not leave myself.

    it has all been a blur of emotion and sadness when a new home should be filled with love and laughter.

    Friday instead of doing things with our kids, he showered and changed at mine before taking his latest fling out for the night, as I was none the wiser he said nothing. turns out today he has a new girlfriend and Friday was their first date! they have been texting since January, when I was being told I needed to get a grip and start our relationship again!

    I’m so glad I persevered and stood my ground, (mainly because I did not want my daughter thinking this is how a man should treat you).

    I am a little sad, mainly because I feel a great sense of relief to be free but also because I can see a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

    I know I have a long way to go, I also know this walk will be lonely as I have no close friends but the relief to finally be free from an abusive controlling man is enough to kick start me back on track.

    sorry its so long winded but I don’t have a soul in the world to talk to,and its nice to get this off my chest!

    thanks for listening! xxx🥰

    #51328 Report


    Hey,that’s awful that you feel you don’t have a soul in the world to talk to,but many people here can relate to that.One thing most people will tell you is after separation etc you will definitely find out who your Real friends are!

    Your so lucky you have found out about Gingerbread so fast,took me lots of years,but you must be feeling absolutely dizzy today…and don’t worry about a long way to go etc-youre over the worst,and that is living with a user & abuser.Now you can start trying to make things better.Your daughter will settle eventually,all beginnings are a bit shaky.Thinking of you & wishing you lots more strength and hoping you feel a bit better each day.

    #51451 Report


    Hi Loulabear,

    It’s really awful what you are going through, i can  relate and sympathise with you.

    Dont feel you are alone, thats the worst feeling ever

    Am here if you ever want to talk and yes you are better off


    #51494 Report


    Thank you both for your kind words! Nice to get that of my chest even to total strangers!

    I have my children and I have my health all of which I am grateful for!  As for friends, those I had have shown there worth and I am better of without them!

    I am sure I will make more along the way, it does feel a bit lonely at the moment but I know life is on its way up and no longer pulling me down! xx

    #51504 Report


    Hey! I’m going through the exact same thing, I hope your okay. Just remember your strong.

    #51548 Report

    Hi Loulabear

    I’m Michelle one of the Moderators here.  It sound as though you’re managing a very difficult situation.  Given some of the experiences that you’ve described in your post it might help to get in touch with the National Domestic Violence helpline.  They’re familiar with situations similar to those you’re talking about here and may be able to support you as you find your way forwards.  Here are their contact details:

    National Domestic Violence Helpline – for support with regards to current or historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    I hope that helps a bit

    Kind regards



    #51550 Report


    You did the right thing. Thats what you need to focus on. You stayed strong and achieved what you needed to achieve and well done for that!

    #51749 Report


    To Loulabear,

    I was also in a coercive relationship for 17 yrs, I was not allowed any friends to make or female. I had no one. I stayed in this kind of relationship to keep the family together (three children) When my husband started to hurt my children. I left with my 3 children. This is all the techniques use by a perpetrator – a man or women who uses control to stop u from leaving them or our relationship. Brain washing us to think we can not survive without them, no one else will want us. Paranoid if we talk to anyone, critics our friends and family to make us live alone with no support. As they don’t want them to notice the reg flags of their behaviour is not acceptable behaviour. Not allowing to talk, and speak.

    I did the ‘freedom course’ which the charity ‘Violent support’ advised me to do. It explains what is domestic abuse, and the language perpetrators use, and the reasons why they do it.


    cost £10 – social services can pay for it.

    What your ex-partner did to u, is very bad emotional abuse. He needs to have some professional help with his controlling behaviour. You can talk to all of us as your new gingerbread family.

    Every day u will get stronger, the first step is the hardest, you left already. You are already progressing to a better life. The longer we stay in an abusive relationship, the more damage we do to our children and our family.

    Think of the children you have saved them from an abusive relationship. However, they have witnessed some form of trauma. I recommend them and yourself to seek some counselling. Domestic and emotional abuse can cause ‘Post-traumatic stress’. Now you and the children are safe.

    We are here to help you emotional when u need us. We won’t leave u alone. Strength in numbers, you are not alone anymore! You are a super Mum and a Superwoman. Learn to love yourself and have hope in your heart!

    Thanks, Katherine,

    #51848 Report


    Thank you for your kind words! I have been recommended the freedom course and I will look into it shortly. the children’s school have been fantastic and have given my children support when they need it!

    it is hard at the moment but I know it won’t last for ever!

    your words of support our fantastic and I know lots are people are here if needed! thank you !

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

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