Just come out of an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Really struggling now.

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  • #48605 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    Hello

    I am really looking for some support and new friends. I have just come out of a relationship and I am really struggling. My ex-partner wasn’t my child’s father, he was someone I was with after him.

    Basically, I was with my ex-partner twice. The first time we split up, we put it down to just being very different people and having personality clashes and not really being used to one another and not knowing how to work with one another etc…

    We then got back together again and thought we could try and make it work. However, it was even more problematic this time round. Right from the word go, there were many secrets he was keeping from me and he lied to me about a lot of things. These lies were about various things. Naturally, I lost my trust in him after this. I became really anxious and paranoid all the time. I started questioning him a lot about things. I started getting the urge to check his phone (he had a lot of secrets things on his phone that he had deleted so I wouldn’t see them). I got to the point were I never believed anything he said anymore and I always thought he was lying. We would have arguments over this. He would get frustrated and find it hard that I never trusted him and was always accusing him of lying. But, after I’d had so many secrets and things kept from me, and lies , I truly did find it hard to trust him anymore. It got worse because everytime I did try and move forward, I would find out even more things he’s lied to me about. It became impossible. He struggled to understand that I was this way because of all the secrets he’d kept from me and all the lies he gave me. His behaviour started changing. He started getting more angry and agressive. He started having more angry outbursts. He would lash out at me verbally and throw things back in my face and make me feel guilty etc.. He was once threw a basket in my direction in the supermarket. More recently, he threw some shoes in the room at my house , with my child in the same room! He blamed me for his angry outbursts and said it was my fault. He said it was because I was always accusing him of lying. After this incident I decided to split up with him. I couldn’t accept that sort of behaviour from him in front of my child. I felt the relationship was unhealthy. I didn’t trust him. A few days later, he came creeping back and tried to say sorry and wanted to sort things. I told him that I can’t and dont want to be with him after what happened. However, I would like him to get some help with his anger and agression. He agreed at first. However, later on he started trying to get himself out of things. He started almost excusing his behaviour and his angry outbursts by fobbing me off saying things like ‘everyone makes mistakes’. I was angry at how he could have that attitude. He obviously didn’t take anything he’d done seriously or thought it was a problem. He also clearly wasn’t willing to do anything about it. He just kept trying to tell me he’s not bad and he’s not violent (i.e. he doesn’t need help). I also felt messed about him. I really thought he might do this and show he takes it seriously. He kept trying to blame me for it again. He was saying things like ‘I only did that because of so and so..’. I find it toxic for him to not take responsibility for any of his behaviour and to try and blame everything on me instead. I gave up on everything for good after that. I felt I’d given him a solution and a final chance and he clearly wasn’t willing to take it.

    Ever since, I’ve been struggling a bit. I have my times were I feel really strong and confident in the decision I made and know I did the right thing. However, sometimes I start to question it and doubt myself. I sometimes really miss him too. I’ve had a lot of support around me. I just look for reassurance really when I get like this. I think deep down I know I did the right thing, but when I feel a bit weaker , I start to question and doubt things.

    Any support/reassurance/anything would be so helpful and appreciated.

    Thank you x

    #48635 Report

    Star80
    Participant

    You absolutely did the right thing and never go back.  It’s completely normal to doubt yourself and wonder if he could change.  He has done you a favour as you don’t want to waste anymore years of your life and if you were to go back you would regret it as he has proved himself unworthy.  Don’t ever lower your standards to fall in line.
    Love is about respect, honesty and trust and a man should cherish you.

    They will say anything to reel you back in  (I’ve been there and believed the words) but as I see it actions prove who a person is and words just prove who they pretend to be.
    Sometimes being on your own is so scary but think of him as experience and at least now you know what you don’t want.

    #48642 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    Thank you for that 😊

    #48645 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    i would recommend you look up life/relationship coaches on youtube. for example stephanie lynn. very useful stuff. teach about handling emotions and dealing with toxic ex partners.

    #48648 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    I sometimes question things though. ‘were things this way?’ ‘were things this bad?’ I think I know all the answers deep down. It’s hard because when this partner has his good point , it can fool you into believing he’s this good person who isn’t bad and makes you question things and feel guilty etc…

    #48813 Report

    Rosy Cheeks
    Participant

    Hiya, it sounds like your relationship is not right for either of you. These toxic people have a way of worming their way back into your life… trust your gut instinct, don’t question it too much, but listen to it xx

     

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