Joint custody

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  • #35387 Report


    I’ve recently took my sons father for child maintenance and he is not happy with the outcome so is threatening to go for joint custody.

    Bit of background, my son is 8 months, his father has seen him once when he was 7 weeks old, he has never provided us with anything or shown any interest. I’ve arranged several occasions for him to visit and he doesn’t show up. I’ve have never said he cant see him but he expects to be allowed to him on his own straight away and I’m not happy with him being left with someone who is basically a stranger so I said the first couple of times I would like to be there or close by (especially as he is breast fed) He has a new partner who will not allow this. He ignored all contact from cms so they have ended going through his employer which made the amount go from £15 a month to around £200 as the original details they had for him were incorrect. He didnt want custody when he only had to pay £15 but now its alot more he suddenly want him the amount of time that means he doesn’t have to pay anything. I know he will have to apply for parental responsibility and then will need a court order.

    Has anyone gone through anything similar and what was the outcome?

    I feel like he cares more about money than his son but am worried the courts wont see it like that. I have all the messages to prove I have never denied him access previously but I do not want him to have joint custody. Thank you

    #35393 Report



    Don’t worry too much., the courts aren’t daft.

    Firstly if your ex isn’t on the birth certificate, he will have to apply to be added.

    Then he might apply for an access order  & the court lays out the times & conditions. For a breastfed baby under a year, with no existing bond, they are likely to say he can see her for a couple of hours several times a week, initially with you present. Once a bond is established, the times increase gradually over years,  working up to overnight stays.

    Will your ex want to do that? He will need the support of his new girlfriend. He will need to deal with nappies and baby screaming and chucking up milk all over him. He will need to show commitment.

    He may turn into a besotted dad and that will be the best thing for your little girl, or he will quickly realise that 50-50 custody means he has to commit half his life to his daughter, reorganise his job & home life, Provide her with a home, a bedroom, etc. 50% custody means 50% of the cost and the time and the effort.

    Stay calm, do exactly as you are. Continue to offer access with you present. The court will see you are being a good, consistent & reasonable mum.

    #35399 Report


    Would second Kath’s words right now, if she has understood the situation correctly and he is not on birth certificate.

    Well done for applying for CMA. Courts and any professional would take a very dim view of the threat your ex is making i.e. to withdraw finances unless you fulfil his demands for contact. This is a part of coercive control – finances should be separated from contact arrangements and should not be discussed at contact times.

    I find it particularly offensive that you have experiencing these threats while you are breasfeeding. You might wish to have several 24 hour helplines in your handbag or phone. For moral support the La Leche League for example.

    Good luck.


    #35420 Report


    No he is not on the birth certificate. Hes an extremely complicated person, he had a child I did not know about and he cut contact with me when my son was a week old until his girlfriend found out about is a few weeks later. She is also pregnant now too.

    I think the threat is mainly there so that I will back down and cancel the child support as I have given plenty opportunities to see his son previously and he has no interest, to the point he was in hospital over Christmas and he could not even reply to my text about it.

    Thank you both for you replies, it’s hard not to worry even though I know he is more than likely talking rubbish

    #35821 Report


    I’m in a similar situation myself and was just wondering, My child’s father isn’t on his birth certificate and is saying now my son is a year old his whole family wants contact (there’s history and I believe my child wouldn’t be safe with the family not his father.) can they not just apply to be put on the birth certificate and then they have 50/50 parental control?

    #36464 Report


    Hi Alipally sorry I only just saw response. No he would need to apply for parental responsibility, you can either do it between you if you both agree or he would need to apply to the courts and you can contest this however from what I’ve read it is normally granted. This doesn’t automatically mean 50/50 control though. Hope you get it sorted. I’m still waiting to hear from my sons father solicitor which he keeps threatening me with however he has not once mentioned PR which would be the first thing a solicitor would tell him to do so I don’t think he has even contacted one and just thinks he can scare me into cancelling the child maintenance x

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