Its over for me
30 August 2019 at 3:27 pm #29812
Complete newbie here.
I have been with my partner 11 years in November, we have a lot in common and I like him as a person, he is a brilliant Dad, but I just can’t do it anymore. We have a 3 year old child together and she is my world. I want the best in life for her, and as part of wanting the best for her, I have realised that I cant stay in an unhappy relationship just because we have a child together and I don’t want to hurt him.
Basically we split 6 years ago, I had major depression and was being treated for EDNOS at the time, but I moved back in with my parents and we reconciled around 6 months later. Over the years things have just got worse and worse.
I work full time and have since I was 19 years old, I have never been out of work, and aside for some sickness due to a Medical Condition, I haven’t really taken sick leave either. My partner on the other hand has a habit of walking out of jobs and being fired for arguing with people. He works less that 11 hours a week at the moment, but he looks after our child most days while I am at work full time earning the wage. As I am full time, I pay the mortgage, all the bills, and even the bills for his debts. I pay all nursery fees, and pay for all the food and the pets etc. I just cant do it anymore.
The final straw was having our cat put to sleep and him refusing to come as he’d be too upset. I get no support and I cant carry on like this.
I don’t particularly want to leave the house, as I pay for everything, and therefore know I can afford to live there alone, he earns less than the mortgage payment some months. The difficulty is, he has no family here in Leeds, they live in Brighton. So he has no where to go, so looking at my options, I either lose the house and pay out more in renting somewhere else, or I stay in the house and he needs to find somewhere. Problem is, I have a feeling he would expect me to help him as I always do, he is dyslexic and everything falls to me. To complicate things further, he developed a brain condition last year which can result in seizures (thankfully they are controlled by medication) however he keeps failing to even ring the GP to order his medication.
I am basically stuck in terrible predicament and I don’t know how to move forward. I class myself as a single parent already, as technically I one child, but it feels like I have two. I get no support, no assistance and when I am feeling low, it gets countered by him getting in a huff because I am unhappy and it just goes in circles. I cant do it any more but I don’t know what to do.30 August 2019 at 3:47 pm #29814
I genuinely don’t know where to start, he keeps asking me if I am going to leave him, but up until this week (CAT) I have been in two minds, unsure whether I was projecting my unhappiness onto him and he wasn’t the reason for it. I have hung off discussing it until I can speak with my counsellor, she thinks I am being rational and that I have valid reasons and that “it sounds like you know what you want”.
I just don’t know where to start, I have been looking at houses for over 6 months, but they all cost £100pcm at least, more than the mortgage I am currently paying. We have a 2 bed house so being we have a three yr old, its not ideal as we can’t even live separately together while we sort things out.
My Mum and my best friend have both offered me the opportunity to stay with them, with my daughter. Am I being unreasonable by wanting him to leave? He hates the house we live in, constantly slates it, the area, the city etc. He has no respect for it and regularly breaks/throws things in anger (he is not aggressive to either of us so please don’t think there is any form of violence going on) though he has in the past tried to stop me seeing friends who he feels are “not good for me”. I have also played my part that, but my reasons for not wanting him to see certain people is that he was using party drugs with them.
Do I stay, or go?
I know I am going to break his heart, but I feel more like he will be upset that I wont be doing and sorting everything for this easy life he has.
I want to remain amicable for the sake of our child, as she idolises him and he is a great dad.
I AM JUST NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE…30 August 2019 at 4:42 pm #29818
Welcome to the forum
It does seem as though you’ve already made up your mind but just havnt got to the point where you make the ‘jump, I’ve no doubt it will come in time though as it really doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
Apart from putting your little one first (after all it’s not fair on her to grow up thinking a toxic relationship is normal) you also have to think of yourself, it would be horrible for you to slip back into depression and Ednos again.
Your relationship does also sound somewhat abusive, he may not actually hit you but violence is only part of abuse, the fact he is throwing things around and breaking things is very worrying, again do you want your little one thinking that’s a normal way to behave?
It seems all he thinks about is himself, in fact I was quite disgusted to read your example about your cat, anyone that doesn’t put you and your little one first doesn’t deserve you, it’s a simple as that.
Mark31 August 2019 at 9:19 am #29845
Thank you for commenting.
I think you’re right there probably is an element of abuse there (it’s not constant) and it’s more manipulation/emotional than anything.
The reason I don’t want me child to grow up and think it is okay, is because I’ve been in her shoes. It took my mum 8 years to leave my dad, so my brother and I witnessed him beating her, and then after they seperated, me and my brother took the brunt of his agression.
My mum has just told me to bide my time, and gets all of my ducks in a row before I take the step. I have been struggling, it’s been on the tip of my tongue for days now.
The only things stopping me is the guilt I feel towards him as I know it’s going to devastate him, and I know he will struggle to find his feet and cope. Also the fact that he’s no where to go. But I don’t see why I should leave the house when I am managing to pay for it on my own at the moment.31 August 2019 at 5:56 pm #29859
Abuse is abuse whether it’s emotional or physical and nobody should have to suffer it or have their children witness it.
I understand that he will be devastated but at the end of the day that’s not your problem, you have to put yourself and your daughters happiness and future first. Perhaps if at first you try and help him find his place it will make you feel a bit better but be careful to make sure it’s a short term thing?