Its like living with a stranger….

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  • #9794 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    Hi there, I’m new to Gingerbread and desperate to know that there are other people out there that have been though this emotional storm that I seem to be going through. My relationship with my Ex partner always had my full love and attention but recently out of the blue she has decided that her career is far more important than her family. I’m a full time stay at home dad and I home educate my son. Something that we have been able to do because of his moms job. I probably should have seen it coming, she was spending less and less time with us and more time working away. I spent months thinking she was having an affair but now I’m pretty sure that she just has tunnel vision for where shes going in her job.

    Although I have always needed her financially she needs me just as much because aside from the bills she pays etc, I do pretty much everything else. I am the full time parent to my son and my step son from her previous relationship. All this has blown up recently and it has become apparent that this relationship of convenience that had continued with us living together while shes not working away is coming to a bitter end and I literally don’t know where to start.

    She has come up with a plan where she gives me the money I need monthly to continue with the home education as it is something we are both passionate about and I will also continue to be my step sons carer and nanny (so to speak). My issue is that I need to move out as living here is too difficult and not fair on the boys. I have zero savings and neither does she as she spends it as quick as she gets it. Ive never had any of the money go through my bank, no benefits and my name was never on our rented property (which i am seriously regretting now). On paper I am a nobody and the housing association doesn’t seem at all interested in helping us out despite the fact that I will have my son most of the time and also be caring for my step son.

    I have no idea how I’m going to come up with a deposit for a new place and get myself back on track. On top of that the emotional hurt is still fresh and I seem to get upset over every detail. I have some great friends that have been there for me which has been amazing as I don’t have any family outside of the boys, but they are all in happy relationships and don’t really understand how I’m feeling.

    I guess I’m just looking for a little friendly guidance please.

    #9800 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I personally think you’re being selfish. I don’t know how you can say how YOU feel is not fair also for your biological child and your non-biological child. People are too quick to press the Escape button. You’re tired of the relationship and you’re feeling neglected. Work on it. That is what is fairest for your kids. Actually, what would be fairest for your kids is letting them go to school and socialise and learn what it is to build and maintain relationships, not do a runner when things get tough.

    Yours is not a relationship of convenience. How DARE you call your child a convenience. You chose to have a child with this woman. You have no right to deprive your wife of their child, nor the child of a mother, just because you feel bored. Get them into a school and you’d have time for you. Get into some counselling and you’ll have a relationship. And bear this in mind, if your wife fights for the kids, she’ll almost certainly get them, and how will you define your life then?

    As for “being a nanny” you just mean you keep the house clean, cook their meals, make sure they have clean clothes to wear. That is not being a nanny, that’s being a father. ALL parents do that. Nannies get paid in cash. You get paid in love. Lucky you, you’re richer as a result.

    As a father who went through IVF to have three beautiful children, only for my wife to run off and prevent me from having ANY access whatsoever and having to go to court just to see them again miles away for half an hour once a month, I have exactly ZERO sympathy for you and your self-imposed misery. Of course your friends don’t understand how you’re feeling. Unless there’s a lot you haven’t shared here, the obvious answer is you’ve chosen a style of life you’ve simply got bored with. Children are life, for life.

    If you want a moan, call these folk, who are more patient than I’m prepared to be:

    Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk

    Good luck to your children.

    #9803 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    I’m not sure how you have taken what I have said and called it a self imposed misery?
    I’m not at all complaining about having the children, in all of this i am the one parent that puts all of the effort in. I’m simply trying to get my footing in a situation that my partner has caused and find the best possible outcome for my son, step son and myself. The reason I stated relationship of convenience  was more for my ex partner, I would NEVER call my child a convenience (he and my step son are my world and I’m fighting for the best possible outcome for them). She works away a lot and needs me to be with the children to take care of them, get my step son to school, do his physio as he has a physical disability etc. Although this may seem like a great set up to some because she pays the bills and I do everything else, we have become strangers in the home and its started to get uncomfortable for all of us here.

    I literally don’t know how you’ve come to the conclusion you have after reading my post and pretty disappointed that looking for a little friendly guidance has thrown this at me. Clearly this isn’t the place I need right now.

    As for homeschooling, I’m very passionate about educating my son and he has a better social life than I do, with plenty of friends that we see throughout the week, work shops and various other fun educational activities throughout the week. There is no doubt in my mind that I am doing the best for my child.

    The ‘Nanny’ part of my post had absolutely nothing to do with my son, of course I do everything for him and don’t expect to get paid for it but my Ex partner needs me to continue the care of her disabled son from a previous relationship and is offering the payment as an option so that she can continue work. He is at school so she wouldn’t be able to take him, pick him up and have the school holidays off etc.

    This whole thing was just for some advice about how to possibly find away out and into a place for myself and my boys. I didn’t expect to receive such hostility.

    #9804 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    Oh Empty I’m shocked.

    How can you treat Mr Twinkles, by the way I love the name, like this?

    This forum is for support. I understand that you’re bitter about the way you’ve been treated by your ex but please stop.

    Empty, I don’t want to see messages like yours. Ruined my morning! 😞

    #9805 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    So your partner has a job which pays for the family life while you’re looking after the kids? Welcome to the life of most people.

    Trying to leave and taking the children with you is going to lead to misery for the children, and for the parents too. Try talking, not running out. You won’t get custody anyway, so you’ll be all on your own in some tiny flatshare and your wife will have to give up her job to look after the kids, who will suffer as a result.

    No, this isn’t what you need right now. And certainly they don’t.

    If you’re capable of teaching your children every single subject they need for life, then you’re capable of talking to your partner. That’s surely simpler than teaching Pauli’s Exclusion Principle? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, this is what you chose, and deep down you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.

    And please never teach your children problem solving skills. That isn’t your strongest suit.

    #9810 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    Empty,

    Please stop, I’ve just read your comment on I think I’m going mad and your comments here make sense.

    Please don’t judge others by what’s happened to you.

    We’re all affected by the breakdown of any relationship but please don’t direct your hostility to Mr Twinkles

     

    #9813 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Not being hostile. My genuine view. I’m still allowed that. It’s time for Twinkles to shine.

    #9815 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    Wow! another attack! I cannot believe I’m receiving this from a forum that is meant to help.
    I’m not running away at all. I still get on with my Ex and everything that i have posted on here she knows about because we have talked about it all.
    She has agree’d that it makes sense that I find somewhere else to live with our son so that I can carry on living my life. We have sorted the ongoing financial side of things and are both happy with the outcome. The homeschooling will continue as our 7 year-old is advancing well and is happy. No bitterness here between us just upset that can be expected from a break up that i wasnt expecting and the uncertainty about how life is going to be from this point. I have no idea what has happened in your life Empty but you should really think about how you conduct yourself when talking to people. I only posted on here for some friendly advice.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #9816 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    and thanks jamiebear its nice to know that its not all hostility.

    #9817 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I know that if I were home schooling I wouldn’t teach any child that agreed has an apostrophe in it.

    I’ve given you friendly advice: don’t give up, talk, and if your wife really has agree(‘???)d that you and your son should live apart, then she can provide the money to help with that. Personally, as I’ve said, you’ll both be worse off. If your wife agreed with this idea, then you will have spoken about how to make it happen. If you haven’t then that’s your next step.

    Talk. Like I said.

    #9821 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    Hey Mr Twinkles,

    A lot of us are a friendly bunch and we don’t judge/comment on other people’s situations whilst comparing them to our own.

    You take care and have a good day!

    #9843 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    Thanks Anonymous,

    Nothing has been set in stone yet about contact and its a bit of a grey area as work is all over the place and can be different week by week especially if she is working abroad. I does seem like my son will be living with me most of the time, including evenings.
    She is willing to pay £700 per month for looking after my step son, again a grey area as this is in the early stages. Ive looked into registering as a nanny and I would be entitled to working tax credits and a few other things that will help out our situation, which I found out this morning.
    Ive spoken to citizens advice, the council and I’ve just got off the phone to Gingerbread who were really helpful.
    It seems that to move I will have to look at private renting if I want to find somewhere quickly as our local housing association have told me that there is a very slim chance of them housing me quickly.

    #9849 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    Maintenance hasn’t been discussed and I’m not sure how I feel about going down that avenue. If the ‘nanny’ side of the situation works out and tax credits can give the boost we need then We’ll be fine. Its just the initial moving house that’s concerning me.
    While she is away I have agreed to have my step son at her home to make things easier for them yes I will have our son most of the week, which is the same as it has always been. As I said its all very amicable and I’m hoping it stays that way. She is sorting the child benefit today as she understands that I need that to kick-start everything else.
    After the 3 hours of phone calls today things are starting to look a little clearer. When I posted last night I was in a very different head space.

    #9850 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    Hey lovely,

    Spousal maintenance!!!

    Also for the child with difficulties dla/pip and depending on the level received carer’s allowance.

    Jamiebear xx

    #9851 Report

    MrTwinkles
    Participant

    Hey Jamiebear,

    I already receive carers allowance for my step son but I’m under the impression that if I take on the ‘nanny’ role for 30 hours+ I wouldn’t be entitled to that too? That’s something that I need to find out next. XX

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