Issues with my 11 year old son and I’m single female mum with a daughter who is
4 May 2021 at 11:57 am #53689
My son is very tall for his age so got a bit of hormones going on and he’s got attitude like no tomorrow plus started to swear at me and stamps feet when not getting own way as I’ve got rules in my house about certain things and we do activities together.
When he’s at his dad’s he gets his own way no rules apart from bedtime and his dad pays not much attention to him buys him new toys and things every week he has him.
Lately I’ve got issues with him trying to push me down the stairs hitting me and stamping feet as he wanted to play on xbox when it was getting late as when in evening after dinner it’s chill time as I call it so watch films and quiet activities and read books and bath time etc…
His dad is getting married my son hates it even though he wants them married so it’s a little bit of game going on spoke to his dad about it and he don’t see what I see in our son playing games and trying to hurt me and I’ve tried all approaches and spoken to school they told me to try try this group anyone got any ideas as I want my son happy again and seeing him cry after what he told me when he calmed down is not far at all cause he struggles with his emotions bare in mind me and his dad hasn’t been together for 6 or 7 years. This is upsetting and I am hanging in there as I know it will pass soon5 May 2021 at 1:52 am #53731
I’m sorry to read you are going through this with your son,it must be very difficult and frustrating for you.I’m not sure if there’s a clear question in your post.You mentioned a group for your son to try….and you asked for ideas.I’m sure someone on here has been through similar and might have advice for you but I’m just wondering if you could clarify a little what you mean.5 May 2021 at 5:34 pm #53759
I can hear how difficult this all is for you. As the mum, and if you’re the main carer, you are likely to get the full force of your child’s upset. I think this is the way it is for many of us single parents at times. You’re the safe place to let all this out. It doesn’t make it easier for you. What you said ref physical intimidation is however crossing a line. No matter what your son is dealing with he will not go down a good path if there are no consequences to getting physical with you – no matter how great his emotional pain.
My son was very upset and had some anxiety during lockdown. I was told about Barnados online and self referred to their healthy minds programme. They have been fantastic. They are aimed at supporting the emotional well being of children. There are group activities with other kids of various ages, some focusing on emotional well being and mindful, others more laid back like ‘own your own pony’ afternoon we did recently. My son is a bit younger than yours but it’s been great and he feels much more optimistic, especially now lockdown is coming to an end.
Is the school any help? I appreciate you may not want to tell them all that happens at home but most schools have some pastoral support/ school counselling service. It sounds like this would help him alot. You could ask to speak to the relevant teacher and ask for counselling support for him. They do have an obligation to provide extra help in most cases.
The consequences you could possibly raise with him might include – Son, I need you to engage with this support I have found for you ( counselling, via school, online even) If you refuse to do this and or attempt to harm me physically again I will permanently remove your Xbox. X,y,z may happen at dad’s house but these are the rules here. I would be prepared to then remove it and do not back down at all. How long you remove depends on your own situation and what he is doing. What’s happening is really serious and I think as single mums with boys we have to be so strong in showing boundary and not allowing this to happen without consequence. I appreciate how tough this is, especially if dad is not helping.
This is not rejecting or abandoning your son at all. It’s making it clear there is a boundary that he cannot cross despite all your love and care.
Finally, is your ex open in any way to an open as friendly as possible approach from you where you explain that his behaviour is concerning and dad can actually help mould him into a decent young man if he could help with x.yz. I don’t know your personal relationship with your ex and this might sound too rosy to be possible. In the first instance I’d definitely recommend going online and looking up healthy minds Barnados for your local area.6 May 2021 at 12:51 pm #53779
Thanks you both, Joanna that sounds like a brilliant idea will definitely will do that, I have been feeling like a failure in everything which I have tried but what my son is doing is getting really bad and picking on a 2 year old is even worse.
Answer to your question gummibear I mean a group where my son can express his feeling as he doesn’t let them out.
My ex which is his dad buys him love which is fine he never had a proper relationship with him until he was 6 as parting was more important instead of our son. My son built more of a relationship with his grandma and great grandad and my mother but my mother passed on. as I was working long hours as a carer and when he was 8 his dad took my to court saying I was controlling him and everything when I always been flexible with him.
I always tried my best and I’ve always been ashame to admit what I am going though as I feel awful and I just want what is best for my son hence why he takes it out on me in a violent way which is hard which is bad to admit6 May 2021 at 4:11 pm #53812
Just to paraphrase back to you all that you have dealt with. You’re a lone mum,with 2 kids, one very young and demanding of your time I imagine like all 2 year olds, you’re dealing with a troubled young son who is taking everything out on you and blaming you for all that is wrong in his life (I know he is hurting but you are not responsible here for everything wrong in his life), you have lost your mum and have prob had little support to deal with that, you are holding down a job as a carer despite all of this. You have zero support and sounds like only negativity from your ex.
Despite all this you are seeking help to further support your son and family and are the stronghold keeping the entire family afloat by the sounds of it. You are clearly a strong and capable woman. You’re the complete opposite to a failure in every way.
When the chips are down and we are vulnerable,there is often someone waiting in the wings to kick the boot in and convince us we are useless or to blame for everything. I wonder if women/ mother’s have a tendency at times to take on the responsibility for everyone else too often than they should; I know this has happened to me in the past. Recruit as much outside help as you can and I think you will eventually find the strength to deal with the ex in a more empowering way. x6 May 2021 at 5:08 pm #53813
I’m Michelle one of the Moderators here. I’ve left you a message.