Issue with my son’s grandad. Advice needed please.
29 May 2020 at 10:07 am #40475
Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum and this is the first time I’m posting. Looking for some helpful advice without judgement really.
My dad made a malicious and baseless allegation about me to my son’s preschool AND Social Services in early February. Both the preschool and the Social Services quickly established it was completely baseless and told me they’re not pursuing it as there was no evidence to support any of his lies. He has claimed that I “battered” my son (he was acting on third party heresay from a family member who is know for dramatizing the most simple of facts. My dad know this person’s track record of creating drama and exagerating, but decided to listen regardless of this. Basically my son got a smack on the bum when he was being disobedient and had been kicking me). Nothing more, nothing less, just a single smack on the bum. To be clear, the third party family member was present when this took place and saw exactly what happened, a simple smack on the bum. Considering that she believed my son to be “getting battered” in front of her eyes, she continued with the phone call to a friend she was on at the time and made no attempt whatsoever to intervene in the “beating”.
A week after making the allegations (by which time social services and the preschool had already told me it wasn’t being taken any further), my dad sent a pretty insensitive text message saying “Sorry for being angry with you last week when I did it, was only trying to help”. Complete nonsense. He was fully aware that his intention in making the allegation was not to help but to be malicious. He’s been deeply resentful of me for years, ever since I married my son’s father. He constantly critisises everything I do in life, from the area I chose to live in (he looks down on it, feels it inferior), to the way I dress to the job I have (it’s not good enough for him and he looks down on that).
To give a bit more background on his mentality, he blames ME for the breakdown of his last marriage. Apparently his wife couldn’t cope with my decision to marry someone from a different culture (she was a total bigot, was ashamed of her own son for being gay). She used my decision to marry as an excuse to cause arguments with my dad. They lived in another part of the country at the time and obviously the decision of who to marry was for me to me. She nagged my dad about it to the extent he didn’t come to the wedding (fine by me as he’d been pretty nasty in the months leading up to it). When I fell pregnant his wife said “well you can move back up north to be near the baby when it arrives”. She was so jealously.. She turned to alcohol, drink driving and having affairs as she was unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason (he blamed ME for that, saying it was my choices that MADE her behave that way). Go figure that one out! She eventually left him and he wanted me to move into the house they shared. It was a posh house in a posh area, but very rural and remote. No transport links, no chance of my finding work, having to relocate away from my support network and everything that matters to me etc. I didn’t want to do it and made this very clear to him. Instead of just respecting my wishes about not wanting to move, my dad tried to guilt trip into moving, saying by NOT moving there I was condemning my son to a life of misery, lack of opportunity, social deprivation etc. I live in a decent area with a good community, low crime etc. It’s just not good enough for HIM, although I’m settled here. He seemed very resentful when I eventually managed to buy a house, cementing my roots here and thus put in the final nail to the coffin of his wishes to get me away from here.
After he made the allegations to the preschool and social services, I texted him saying I want absolutely nothing to do with him, no relationship with him ever again and will only remain polite for my son’s sake. He loves his grandad, so I’m ok for him to see his but I want no relationship. I am only prepared to remain civil and polite for my son’s sake. He’s done irreparable damage but casually tries to brush it off and gloss over it as “just trying to help”. He’s always been a narcissist (blames my brother or I for every failed relationship in his life. Each time a girlfriend dumps him one of us gets blamed for it). He’s been deeply resentful of me since I met and married my son’s father (I’m now divorced). Blames that choice to marry my son’s father for the breakup of his own marriage. Very snobby comments etc. Ever since February when he made the allegations I’ve stopped contacting him (don’t even ask how he is during lockdown, just don’t care and have no love for him). My son speaks to him on skype (another family member sorts that).
It was my birthday recently and he dropped a present and card for me, acting normal and saying things like “happy birthday love”, as though everything is normal and I should have “got over” what he did by now. I just feel so much anger and disgust about what he did, get imagine I’d ever want anything to do with him again.
My mum and stepfather are telling me I should be the better person, forgive him for my son’s sake but I just don’t have it in my heart. They say unhelpful things like “well, at least no harm was done” and “at least Social Services didn’t believe him”, but to me the point is in the principle of what he did. It’s no thanks to him that no harm was done. He would have been happy to see me child taken off me.
With father’s day coming up how do I make my position clear once and for all? I’ve always sent him cards, gifts and take him out for a meal but this year I just feel nothing for him. The thought of sending him a card feeling so fake and forced, as though I’d be doing it just to please other people or because it’s “expected”. I was planning just to send one from my son to his grandad. How would other people on this forum approach the situation?