Well what to say. Today has been so hard. Its been nice yet so hard. The children lost their mum few weeks ago and boy oh boy its been tough for them. Today me and my daughter have cried and cried. She wont come out of her room. Shes 12. The boys are 6 and 4. They understand a little less. I promised myself id make this Christmas as good as their mum used to do but feel ive failed due to everyones tears. In fact doing Christmas has made it worse for them and just bought up memories. Today is the first day in my life i hate myself. Truly hate. We should have had a normal day. Nothing to do with Christmas. I dont think we will ever enjoy Christmas ever again. Im still cooking Turkey and beef and ham for them but they just keep saying ” its xmas day,wheres mum?” Worse day ever. Sorry for such negative stuff on such a wonderful day.