Is relocating for family support the right thing or just selfish of me?
8 January 2018 at 3:30 pm #6667
Dolly & DParticipant
This is my first post on here and Im only days into my separation but already Im feeling isolated. My 2 year old daughter and I live in a beautiful part of the country and my soon to be ex is about to move out nearby. All his family are also close by (within a 30 min drive). I have a fantastic childminder who my daughter loves, Im one month into a new job and I have a couple of friends in the area Ive made through mum groups. This probably all sounds wonderful but its not. My family, who Im really close to, all live around 3 hours drive away. My really close friends are also spread out with the closest living two hours away. They are great phoning and video chatting with me and I can take my daughter to visit anytime, however they are not here.
Tomorrow Im going to go and stay with my family for a few days as this is all so fresh. My daughter is coming with me and my ex is understanding of this. Im hoping for an amicable separation as we both agree its for the best but the one thing he has said he doesn’t want me to move too far away. Currently he works long hours and is often away overnight so mostly only sees our daughter at weekends and not every weekend at that.
I cant help thinking that moving back to be close to my family would be great support during this time but is it selfish of me? Should I keep my daughter in her home and childcare that she is happy in and that she knows? Id really appreciate some advice as everyone I talk to says I need to make this decision myself and my parents are keen for me to move back as they long for more time with my daughter and they want to be there for me. Oh and one more thing is that Ive been offered a job if I move back as well.8 January 2018 at 4:27 pm #6669
Hi, I’m in a very similar situation. My husband left in October and moved straight in with another partner. He does see his daughter but it’s very much on his terms and when he feels like it. His family are nearby and supportive of me and we have friends around who have been great. But my family are over three hours away and my initial reaction was to bundle our daughter up and to run away to be with them.
I may yet move to be nearer them (though the job situation would be a problem) but I’ve been told that the divorce process could take up to a year. This has slowed me down and the advice I was given was that ‘the bomb has only just gone off and the debris is still falling. Don’t make any major decisions before things are settled and you can see a clear route out’. It’s great that you have the offer of work and will that offer still be there in 6 months time? If so I would say, give yourself a breather. Don’t make any major decisions now and maybe give it 6 months to a year and if you still feel the same way, then go for it and move. (And no it’s not selfish of you do decide to move, just practical, sensible and good for you)8 January 2018 at 10:56 pm #6673
I’d take into account that your daughter is so young and whilst it might seem like she’s settled and has a nice childminder, she won’t know the difference within a few weeks. As she gets older you’ll be more and more tied to an area so I would say move now (I’ve been down this thought process so many times) Once she’s at school and starts joining clubs and then secondary school you’ll feel less able to move. It’s so important that you feel supported as that’s what will make her happy.9 January 2018 at 12:39 pm #6676
Dolly & DParticipant
Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. This is such a hard and horrible process. Its the guilt with children that gets you, I’m terrified to make a wrong decision for her.10 January 2018 at 10:46 pm #6760
Very interesting thread. I am in a similar situation. My ex left last may when I was pregnant. I’ve now had my gorgeous boy but have been diagnosed with depression.
I’ve started some groups and CBT to help, but the pull to be with my family who are all 3 hours away too, is so strong. I’m taking each month as it comes. I’m having some time here while I do my course (5 weeks). That’s the goal which is seeing me through to the 5 weels I’ll spend with my family.
I haven’t spoken to the dad yet but my gp has recommended I have that support. It might not be permanent but I’m trying to look at bitesize chunks and not make any rash decisions.
However my ex wants to sell our house and if we do I know I’ll need to be with my family then.
Wishing you all well x