Is it wrong to be okay?
10 January 2021 at 4:56 am #47945
So I’ve found myself unexpectedly expecting. I’m at university, I’m only 21 and obviously this isn’t what I was planning to happen right at this very moment. Despite all of that I can’t help but feel surprisingly okay about everything. Of course it was a shock and I had a bit of a cry at first. But it doesn’t feel as terrifying as I thought it would.
During the first week or so I spent a LOT of time looking into the financials and the logistics of everything. I admit it’s stressful and yes it’s going to be really hard with a baby at uni. But even though I’m worried I can’t bring myself to regret it. I don’t mean to sound flippant or naive and I know how difficult and huge of a commitment this is going to be for the rest of my life. I’m sure that however hard I’m imagining, it’s gonna be 2000x harder. But in a weird way I’ve started to feel a bit excited.
My mum was also very supportive about it and is a great help to me so it’s not like I’m really alone. But the reactions I’ve had from other people have made me feel really upset and almost second guessing myself. I know that people are going to have opinions and I don’t really mind generally, but this is coming from my close friends. A lot of people have made out that I’m an idiot for wanting to have the baby, I’m stupid, my life is over forever. Some of them have told me I need to get rid of it even though they know I’m happy with my decision to keep it. And they don’t understand how I can be even a little excited.
I’ve started to doubt myself in a way. I don’t mean that it’s made me not want the kid, but instead I feel really guilty for being so… okay with how things are. Does it make me naive that I’m excited to share our future? I’m being serious. I know it’s gonna be rough, really rough, but isn’t it a good thing I’m happy and not hating myself?10 January 2021 at 5:16 am #47946
Hey congratulations🙂 I don’t mean to laugh but it’s less common on here to find people worrying about being ok with life! I actually always think that with support people could get thru nearly everything,and you say you have your mum, so why shouldn’t this be ok…(If you like kids that is).And it doesn’t have to be 2000x more difficult at all! You sound like you are a fairly organised person,so why not enjoy it…many ppl Do yknow.It’s a shame to let other ppls opinions get in your way,when you are gna be doing the work.I was younger than you when my first was born & it’s nicer to be a young mum,my own was much older & usually tired.It will be more complicated & sometimes frustrating like anything else but your life doesn’t have to end if you have a baby,it’s not a desease😊Good luck,stay happy & keep well!10 January 2021 at 5:28 am #47947
Ps.Apologies if my msg came out in yellow,looks ridic,no idea how it happened.Also I’m not sure as I’m technologically challenged,but your email address might be visible & I dont imagine that’s too safe,you never know who could use it so maybe take it off your profile or whatever.All the best.10 January 2021 at 12:28 pm #47955
I am happy for you. I believe we should all take responsibility for our actions. I also received rubbish advice from friends/family, in a different situation. told to walk away from my kids lol. They do not understand what your going through, so it’s easy for them to give advice and walk away.10 January 2021 at 6:05 pm #47992
I read your post early this morning and have been painting my third child’s bedroom all day and my thoughts keep returning to you.
Firstly congratulations. I think it is wonderful news you are expecting and exited to be so. Imagine how you would be feeling right now if you weren’t – excited?
Secondly, a lesson I learnt only through age and experience is that a lot of other peoples reactions to things are a refection of who they are and not who you are. Whether it is positive reactions or negative reactions, it reflects how they feel or it would not be their reactions. It says nothing about you what so ever. Although when we are young we do take other peoples opinions very seriously because we need to measure our selves and make sure we are making the right decisions and are on the right track.
The fact is, there is no right or wrong track. It is just the track we are on and the decisions we make for our selves influence that outcome. Making decisions about your own life based on what others ‘think’ you should do is not only denying the person you are and starving her of a choice in the matter it is allowing your self to be influenced by other people and the choices they would make. At times even the special people in our lives can be wrong about what it is we should or should not be doing because they have been raised a different way or have been conditioned a different way – but it is not your way.
My advice to you is embrace your feelings. Go with your gut. Give it everything you have got and enjoy and learn from the positives and the negatives. Life will be different. Life will change. But it does not mean just because it is going to be harder that it is the wrong decision. Nothing wonderful and long lasting ever comes from ease. Some mothers find parenting hard, others take to it with ease, able it demanding – but that is what being a mother is all about. We are all different, but it does not mean becoming a mother how ever how young or old you are is a bad decision.
My best friend, a straight A student at secondary school fell pregnant in Uni at 21. She, despite all advice from family and friends kept her child. She raised him alone, she studied when she could fit it in and went on to start her own real estate business, have three more children, relocate countries and having been in the UK for the last 12 months now, at 46 she has started another business whilst supporting three dependant children. That is her path. That is what she chose to do and she has given every inch of her life purpose including being a wonderful mother. Not everyone wants that from life. But, that is her path and that is ok.
Nothing is unachievable if you believe in your self. You may loose friends and people you feel close to through this, but that too is just the nature of life. Those that love you will remain, others will slip away. Its ok – you never know when you might reconnect again. If it is meant to be it will be – have faith in that statement. Follow your own path and make the best of what ever decisions you make. You WILL be fine.
Sending all my love and support,
Ocean xxx11 January 2021 at 4:33 am #48012
Hi all – thanks for your replies!
@Gummibear123 – Thanks for your kind words. Don’t worry I’m not offended by you laughing, I probably am overthinking it a bit! Your comment about it being a child not a disease made me chuckle, haha. Thanks for sharing about how you enjoyed being a young parent, it does make me feel better. And thanks for the heads up about my email too! 🙂
@Steve3334, – Thank you for your congratulations, it’s the first one I’ve had haha! I’m sorry about people being negative about your children and giving you bad advice – I hope you managed to sort something out that works for you!
@Ocean – Your message is so sweet, I can’t thank you enough for your lovely advice. You’re probably right that my friends are horrified because it isn’t what they would choose for themselves, instead of anything personal towards me or young parents. A lot of people at 21 can’t imagine giving up partying and all that, or being responsible for someone else, so I do get why they’re shocked. I’m really touched by your encouragement, I’m sure you make a wonderful Mum and I hope that when the time comes I can be half as supportive to my kiddy as you have been to me here. Thank you for your anecdote about your friend also – it’s really heartening to know that other people can come out of it well and happy. The most frightening thing to me isn’t missing out myself, but that my baby will miss out in life because I’m young and everything that comes with that. So I do feel better knowing that people do manage afterwards. Best of luck with your decorating and thank you so much again for your time. I think I might print this out to look at when I’m having a wobble, haha – but seriously it does mean a lot (more than I can express without having a bit of a hormonal cry!).
Hope all of you stay safe and thank you all so much for your time 🙂