Insists on contact at my house- I can't stand it anymore
13 January 2020 at 10:01 pm #35477
We split 3 years ago, he had alcohol problems which led to abuse and police involvement. He has now got a FT job and is no longer drunk all the time we usually get on so long as I don’t complain about the following.
He moved into ‘temp’ accommodation, and asked if contact (previously EOW and every Wed) could take place at my house for a few weeks, until he got somewhere he could have them overnight and I agreed.
That was a year ago, he has now taken a second job that involves weekend work (11- 5pm) moved into a shared house and is refusing to even discuss reinstating the arrangement, his house is sensible adults and another resident has their kids overnight EOW, but he is refusing to even take our boys (6 and 4) to his for tea and is instead turning up at mine with an hours notice (if he gives any) whenever he fancies it, so I am doing all parenting and he will spend 20-30 mins playing with them before deciding he has had enough and sloping off to smoke out of my kitchen window.
What do I do? This was temporary a year ago but there is no routine anymore and my son is displaying the same behaviours he was showing during the split, he has also begun accusing me of ‘being horrible to my dad’ because dad has started stating he will take them to school “If mummy lets me stay the night” which I say No to.
He has not taken them out of the house in 10 months. Meaning they have not spent ANY time with their dad without me there, I do all the parenting, he will occasionally chuck me £20 but helps himself to my food, tobacco whenever he is round. Yet my son believes I’m the bad guy.
I do not want him in my house, it is not beneficial to my older son who ends up stressed because his dad tells him to leave him alone while he’s smoking and will snap at him if he asks for attention.
Are there benefits to time spent ALONE with the NRP that I can use to try and convince him that him visiting my house instead of having them at his is not in their best interests?
I have tried talking from my point of view and I get “the boys love having me here it’s only you with the problem” or a sob story about how he lives in tiny little room (it’s a massive house he has use of Kitchen, Lounge, Dining room and a bedroom larger than my entire upstairs) and then threats to sever contact or accusations that I am trying to stop contact with them at which point I back down.
He doesn’t leave until after I’ve put them to bed and then I have to tell him several times to go and he can be an arse about it.
I know he is controlling my life and my house he knows I do not want him there.
We had a successful arrangement for 2 years, it worked well for everyone and we were all stable, recently that stability is fading fast and my son has had trouble with school yet I am being ‘unreasonable and manipulative’ if I try to discuss it.
Please give me some pros of time ALONE with the NRP and CONS of not having that time, that I can use to try and reason with him. Because this has the potential to get nasty if it carries on, I would like to avoid that but I can’t stand it anymore I want my life back.14 January 2020 at 9:51 am #35498
Yep he is calling all the shots, it’s time to rein it in by the sounds of it.
Could you send him a polite email telling him that the next time he wants to see the children it will not be in your own home and that he can either take them out somewhere or take them for tea at his place? Yes he is likley to kick up a fuss but this is your home, the place where you should feel safe and comfortable so stand your ground in a polite but strong way and mean what you say. You really don’t need to put up with this xx14 January 2020 at 3:26 pm #35513
I had this problem.
Try a calm email saying you will meet him in Pizzahut next week.
If that doesn’t work I found the presence of my four very critical sisters, all at the same time very effective. Or no coffee or tea in the cupboard, no milk in the fridge and no biscuits in the cupboard worked.
Hoovering around his feet, drilling (putting up pictures) and turning off the heating (sorry, it’s broken) were also good.
Turning off the broadband, taking the fuse out of the tv plug… the list is endless. My ex got the message loud and clear. 😁14 January 2020 at 4:19 pm #35529
Its not acceptable what he’s doing. If I were you I’d put.my foot down and say that it isn’t happening any more. He is welcome to come and collect the kids but he wont be coming in. He cant accuse you of stopping him seeing the kids, because you aren’t. At the moment it sounds like he’s more interested in controlling and bullying you than having a relationship with his children.
I expect he’ll throw his toys out the pram and kick off, but you know what, tough! Thats his problem not yours.16 January 2020 at 1:43 am #35603
I sent a very short message asking if he could take the boys out when he sees them today as I would appreciate a couple of hours by myself and the response was
He’s sick of me controlling him and using the kids to do it, He can’t cope with my bi-polar outbursts, I’ve been putting him through hell with my crazy psycho attempts to control him, and he needs to distance himself from me for his own mental health as he can’t cope with my tyranny anymore and it’s the kids he feels sorry for having to live with such a lunatic obsessive bully.
I sent back “ok so if you would prefer to take them out and not see me that’s fine”
He replied he can’t see them anymore because of how batshit my constant demands are (!?) he has tried so hard to be in their lives and I keep attacking him and trying to ruin his life with no reason to do so because of my inability to see how controlling and bullying my behaviour is so he’s dropping us all and I’m to tell the boys why he isn’t seeing them anymore. I didn’t reply and got “You got what you wanted now haven’t you, this was your f…..plan, well done you stopped me seeing my kids forever you selfish c…” I didn’t reply and later on “I’m never seeing you or them again thank f…”
I still haven’t replied and have no intention of doing so.
He was supposed to see them today, no contact from him yet so I can’t sleep because I’m worried about what he’s going to do, he will likely turn up causing a scene about me being an evil bi polar tyrant who suggests he takes his kids for a couple of hours because I’m evil or he’ll turn up being nice and acting like nothing happened, knowing that I’m going to repeat the request for a couple of hours by myself and he will do the ‘victim of a crazy tyrant just let me see my kids’ ‘F… you I’m never seeing them again’ routine but this time at my house.
I know it’s manipulative BS, I know it’s planned, I know exactly what he is doing and I’m sat here having a cry because I don’t know how to stop it happening without it getting scary for the kids. Which is what he’s depending on, he knows I will back down.16 January 2020 at 9:06 am #35613
You are doing great, you’re letting him know that he cannot see the children in your home anymore.Yes of course he is going to kick up a fuss but you stand your ground just like you are doing. I would suggest that you keep your doors lock when you think he is likely to turn up, maybe after school when the children are home, so that he cannot just walk into your house. And keep your phone in your back pocket in case you need to phone 999 if he won’t go away and causing a problem for you and the children. Don’t be afraid to phone 999 if you need to xx16 January 2020 at 12:39 pm #35641
He is the controlling, manipulative one, and you know that, but if he repeats it often enough you will start to believe it. Get as much support from family and friends as you can and get counselling if possible- you can’t put up with this on your own. And yes, you are doing great.17 January 2020 at 12:52 pm #35848
This sounds horrible, you have all my sympathy! Please let us know that you’re okay, or at least what happened.
Re practical advice? In the short term, would it be possible to leave the house at the time he usually comes around, so that your kids don’t have to be subjected to an outburst like this? Stove is broken, we need to have dinner at a friend’s/pizza hut for the next few days, something like that?
It’s so hard for you to have to deal with this, you really don’t deserve it. Please record all of this stuff and consider taking official steps to make it stop. A nonmolestation order maybe?17 January 2020 at 6:37 pm #35861
You aren’t the crazy one. He can collect the kids anytime, he’s just trying to pressure you. He sounds evil. Don’t give in. You aren’t crazy, you have to hold this line, your home must be a place of safety. x19 January 2020 at 1:32 am #35916
I had a message asking if I’d ‘got over it’ and would I tell him what had led to me being such a ****, then a weird chatty message about his day with ‘can I see them’ at the end. I Replied
‘We’re not friends and your relationship with them is nothing to do with me, you alone are responsible for your contact with them, you do not have any right, any reason or any invitation to be in my house and after this BS I want minimum contact from you. I will check my phone at night and only respond to you about contact. If any of this means you choose never to see them again, so be it, that’s your choice. Your relationship with your kids is nothing to do with me. If you do want to see them txt me pick up/drop off time/place as early as you can min 24 hrs notice please. I will keep you updated on dates they/we are busy with as much notice as possible’
He replied 11am sunday? I’ll get a taxi and you can send them out?.
I said fine.
I’ve had a few messages from him since, he’s pretending to be confused and asking lots of ‘what did I do? where did this come from?’ questions as well as informing me of how hard he’s ‘trying’ and how hard it is to be him.
He hasn’t asked anything about the boys lives, how they are, or expressed any interest in speaking to them.
He’s due at 11am tomorrow to take them somewhere.
I’m not sure how I slipped back into the pattern of letting him do what he wants even if it makes me miserable because avoiding conflict seemed like the adult thing to do.
I know from experience he’ll be doing the sad dad act and then start sorting himself out then he’ll meet someone and introduce her to us, it’s happened 2 or 3 times now. But it somehow always ends up with me having to force him out of my life again.
I have to stop letting my guard down when he seems to have moved on. I have had an NMO before and I wouldn’t have an issue getting another one, I’m just hoping this was a little explosion and is over already.
Fingers crossed19 January 2020 at 1:45 am #35918
How did I miss that. He’s told me he’s picking them up but he hasn’t said how long he’s going to have them, so I may end up having to block him at the door when he drops them off.
That will be deliberate on his part and he’s likely to have told them he’ll put them to bed so I have to tell the boys No he’s not allowed in and he’s not putting you to bed.
He’s so bloody predictable.19 January 2020 at 9:11 am #35924
You started off great there didn’t you. You told him straight about his relationship with his children is up to him not you, good on you.
Bear in mind this a learning curve for you, it is about learning as you go along. In your boots I would strongly suggest that all communications between you and him are via email only, you will benefit if you can do this and if he texts you and going on about stuff that is nothing to do with the children just ignore the messages. If you do need to respond when it is something to do with the children then respond with an email only, he will eventually understand he is wasting his time with texts messages.
As for contact with the children I would be putting an email together for him with times during the week and weekend when he can have his children, for him to consider. With picking up times and dropping the children back home times. I think you need to make a plan with him about contact, for the sake of the children, rather than you fitting into whenever he is free to see the children.
If you are concerned about him making a fuss when he brings the children home is there anyone you could ask to be there with you?
Your doing great, stick with what is ok for you and your children in all this.