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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Cece 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #24563 Report

    Cece
    Participant

    Hello everyone. Do any of you know if there is a charity or something that can help a mother and child that need to leave the house but don’t have money for rent?

    My son is almost 2. From when he was born his father started shaming me and calling me names. Telling me my Post partum depression wasn’t true because women always have kids and I was the only one who was in a horrible shape (27h of contraction + Emergency c-section).

    He shouted at me every single day,  many and many times telling me I was crazy, that he would get social services to take the baby away from me; that I was a rubbish mother and more..

    I then found him messaging to a woman telling her he was single. He almost cried, telling me he felt like in a jail. That he was sorry for everything and he would change.

    Now, he didn’t change. 4 days ago he told me I am useless, and 3 days ago he said to our son “your mother is crazy”. When I try to speak about the things that he did and that I couldn’t forgive nor forget he tells me it is my fault, that I want to be miserable, I want to create problems (all of this shouting at me).

    I don’t even like how he behave with our son, 90% of times he is a good dad but only when being a dad doesn’t disturb his way of life (I may leave in the morning for an hour and when I come back he is asleep in the sofa and our son once broke all the pictures frame , another time climbed the landlord piano and husband said he didn’t realise it).

    I told him more than once to leave the house. He doesn’t want. He said if I want to leave I go, he knows I don’t have nowhere to go as my family is not in this country. I just started to work for a agency but it doesn’t give me enough job (a couple of days a week if I’m lucky).

    Going back to my country is not an option. There is no job there and my family clearly told me that me and my son would be a burden to the house economy. I’ve been living here for the past 7 years (gonna be 30 soon) and I really don’t want to go back and strip my son of all the chances he has growing up in the UK.

    Thank you in advance to all of you.

    #24564 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hi, welcome to the forum although the reason your here is awful.

    What this man is putting you is domestic abuse and there is no excuse to treat you as he has done.

    I urge you to phone the gingerbread team asap, they will definitely be able to help you escape this terrible situation.

    https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

    If at any time you feel physically threatened then do not hesitate to call the police.

    There is help out there and writing here is just the first step, you will get the help you need.

    Mark

    #24569 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    You need to speak to woman’s aid.

    you need to report any threats to the police.

    is the hound a joint tenancy in both if your names?

    #24587 Report

    Roses
    Moderator

    Hi Cece

    Thanks for sharing your story on the forum, it sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time.  The other posters have given good suggestions around making contact with the National Domestic Violence helpline for support on 0808 2000 247.

    For advice on your financial options if you leave your partner our single parent helpline can help 0808 802 0925. The line can be busy but it’s free to hold.

    If you want more specific advice on Housing and help with housing you can also contact Shelter 

    Take care

    Rose

     

    #24594 Report

    Cece
    Participant

    Thank you very much for the replies.

    Solomummy, yes the rent has both of our names.

    I think the main problem I have is that I feel guilty. I feel guilty to try to go away, guilty to leave him, guilty to take our son with me. Guilt is the only thing I feel, morning to night.

    I ask myself if maybe I’m really overreacting, if at the end of the day I should just shut up, try to work things out and stay. But even meanwhile I am writing these words another , small part of me is screaming to go, to find the way, that things will be fine. But I’m scared I will never be happy again, I will never find someone else who loves me ( a part of me still hopes he loves me and just doesn’t know how to show it). He has good days in which he is great but when the bad days arrive I’m just thinking how to leave.

    I’m sorry to write these things but my friends and family all say I’m too much, and that they can see he loves me and he is sad about our distance and that I am the one who exaggerate. So I don’t really talk to anyone about how I feel.

    Thank you again

    Cece

    #24595 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Cece, the words you are saying are the same words that any domestic abuse survivor will understand.

    An abuser will often make the victim feel guilty, it’s one of their holds over the victims, guilt stops you from leaving so it keeps you under control. The way he speaks to you is abuse, nobody should ever hear the things he has said let alone someone he supposedly loves. Again your words about your thoughts about whether you are overreacting and if you just do this, do that to make it work are classic things that people think when they are in an abusive relationship.

    It is not you that is putting those foul words into his mouth, it’s his mouth to control so you should not feel guilt. It is not right that he should talk to your son the way he has, no child should ever hear those words about his mum from his father, it’s wrong on so many levels but the one that bothers me most is that your son will learn from his dad that girls are there to be belittled and bullied.

    An abuser will often hide the abuse from ‘outsiders’, they don’t want anyone to know what’s going on and thus help the victim to escape that abuse, too many times when friends and family really find out what has been happening they say ‘I never thought for a minute that was happening’ even after the victim talks, the abuser can often appear in such a plausible light that the words are doubted, the abuser manages to make it look as though youre lying, that your exaggerating.

    Obviously I know nothing about you, I do not know your age or what relationships you’ve had but the chances are that in your life this isn’t the first man who was in love with you, so it stands to reason that you will find love again and perhaps next time that love will be from a man who really does love and respect you, you have every chance of finding happiness.

    Before you make any descions give the Domestic Violence helpline a ring, they are the experts and will give you a good idea of whether you are a victim or not remembering that violence is not always physical.

    As Solomummy advised Women’s Aid can also help, you can phone them 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.

    Mark

    #24596 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    I’ve been checking out the Woman’s Aid website, its really worth a look. In it there is a section to help you decide if you are a victim of domestic abuse, there are 18 questions and if you agree to at least one of them then in their words ‘you may be a victim of domestic abuse’. As far as I can tell you would agree to at 3 of the questions…check it out yourself.

    I’d like to thank Solomummy for mentioning Woman’s Aid, it seems a great resource.

    #24839 Report

    Cece
    Participant

    Hello! Thank you for the answers.

    I checked and sadly I agreed to 5 of those questions.

    As soon as he isn’t in the house I will call women aid and ask for help.

    Thank you very much for all your help

    Ccilia

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