In the middle of splitting up – finding it very hard

[Mummynor]

Coming out of a very long relationship.  I have 3 children with him who are very young.

I found out he had an affair.  After alot of obvious anger and upset I said I would be prepared to put all to one side and try and work at the relationship.  He doesn’t want to know.   He has decided to end the relationship.  Currently he still lives in the house but we sleep separately and he is out at work during the day.

He has told me that he will be moving out.  His only concern at present is how he will see the kids. We both don’t want the children upset.  He doesn’t want them to know he has gone.  He wants to come round after work and be here till bedtime and wants to stay over (on the sofa) every other weekend.  I have said this can happen occasionally (the staying over ) but not on a regular basis.  I haven’t disagreed to him seeing the children at all.  He isn’t happy and wants me to rethink.  I have said no.

Am I being unreasonable?  How am I to move on if I agreed to what he wants?  He tells me that I’m being selfish and just thinking of me and not the kids.  Posting this to get some advice

[Kathymumofone]

YAnbu. At all.

you cannot be expected to live a lie. The house will not be his home in the future and he cannot expect free access. And anyway, no court would support this kind of arrangement.

you need to sit your kids down and explain that while you both love them to bits, you and he don’t want to live together anymore, so they will have an extra home in future.

be honest because most kids can spot a lie a mile off.

[Neverwouldhaveguessedit]

I completely agree with what Kathy and Solo have said. I think putting your points across in some form of recorded writing such as email is for the best in order to protect yourself/the kids and diffuse the situation as best you can. Not only would you have a record of any agreements made whether dates and times or financial matters – but people tend to think twice before putting something in writing when they know they will be expected to stand by it. It also shows you are attempting to be clear, calm and fair and gives the other person time to consider their response more carefully. It’s harder for him to blow up and be unreasonable to you. So that’s the only wisdom I have to offer – even if things are/seem amicable it’s amazing how quickly it can hit the fan and then you may regret it if something hasn’t been put in writing.

No words of wisdom to offer I’m afraid. Just wanted to say hi and I’m in a similar situation. I’m finding it very hard to believe it’s happening, or to think straight. Anyone know of any private facebook group or other way of possibly making friends going through the same thing, or even just making friends in any way at all? Preferably not ideas like going out and doing a new hobby.. at the moment I don’t want to spend money going out and don’t want to face the world anyway.

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