In need of some help and advice
19 May 2021 at 1:51 pm #54332
Hi, I am a single parent to twin boys aged 11 and a 5 year old boy. I am really struggling with them after splitting from my partner of 9 years last year. The 11 year olds are always fighting, shouting nasty words to me making me feel like I can’t go on. There are days where it’s great they help me round the house and help with my 5 year old but most days they just answer back to me, they say some nasty things to me here is just one example “I hate you I want to kill you” now me as a parent don’t want to be hearing this and it’s so upsetting. Now my 5 year old thinks it’s acceptable to copy what they say and do and I have come to the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore.
i have spoken to the safe guarding teacher at their school and she is on about getting a support worker and also social services involved to which this has worried me because now all I have going through my mind is the kids are going to be taken off me 😢. The last thing I want is them taking away from me, I look after them very well they are very well dressed and fed some days they eat more than what I have to eat in a week. Sorry about the long essay. Thank you in advance.20 May 2021 at 7:02 am #54371
Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. Between their hormones and the changes in family dynamics they are probably acting out. Is their dad involved in their lives? Does he help you with them? Have you asked your GP to refer you to the local children’s services such as CAMHS? You should not struggle alone, social services are there to help struggling families. I have seen the fantastic support they have provided to my neighbor who is an alcoholic with young children. Ask for help now before it gets worse please, help for your own mental health and help for them. Good luck20 May 2021 at 9:58 pm #54414
it’s very possible that child is acting up, having behavioural problems if not seeing father. is there any contact between child and father?21 May 2021 at 7:07 am #54418
Hi Laurapeters, I’m Carmen, one of the moderators here. It’s great that you’re posting here, and I hope you are finding this space supportive.
I’m going to post some links which you might find helpful.
Young minds offer three different services to parents and carers who are concerned about their child’s mental health, up to the age of 25. A Parents Helpline, Email Service and Webchat 0808 802 5544 https://youngminds.org.uk/
Family Lives – Provide general support to families on issues around parenting, emotional support and just generally coping as a parent 0808 800 2222 https://www.familylives.org.uk/
I hope that helps a little
Carmen21 May 2021 at 9:45 am #54427
Hi, my children have contact with their dads I would never stop them from going to see their dads.21 May 2021 at 7:55 pm #54527
Barnados run a healthy minds project here and I referred to them. They do alot for kids who have had struggles, be it and or anger or other issues affecting well being.
You absolute need some outside help. I wouldn’t worry at all ref social services. They just want to check people out and close the case where possible. They’re overloaded and you clearly are a caring mum. I’d ask them for all the help they can offer to manage this behaviour. It’s so out of order saying those things to you. You need such strength to stand tall against this on your own as a single mum. You need to identify what the 11 year olds love ( x-box, time on YouTube etc) and make it clear that this will be removed for so many days for any verbal or physical abuse. You must see it through. They will probably go ballistic first time you’re firm on it.
What is so sad is that something kids sense vulnerability and exploit it. Yes they are hurting and acting out but no excuse for abuse ever ever ever is a great motto I read about.
Look at the website Empowering Parents. Great articles on this subject. You have to set some super strong boundaries and don’t back down. Tell them you love them and will always have their back. You’ll never stop loving them. They can tell you how upset they are, yes, but it has to be communicated in a way that does not attack you or abuse you! It’s not ok no matter what they’re dealing with. They will send you over the edge you poor thing if they don’t stop and help the family out. Tell them you’re looking at all the help for them but this other nonsense stops today xx21 May 2021 at 9:41 pm #54532
Easier said than done, but I would push away fears of social service. social services and safeguarding work so hard at engaging with families to help improve the environment for everyone. They also know all the different places where you can get special and coordinated care. All the best with this. When I have issues I manage to keep going by reminding myself that they are temporary.