I'm struggling with my ex's new partner being in my son's life

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  • #29755 Report


    Self explanatory topic really!

    And apologies for the rant, I feel very angry just now

    A few more details – ex’s GF is one of my son’s nursery staff (they met there when she started working there at Easter, soon after that they hooked up).

    My days with my son are Monday-Thursday and alternate Sundays. I’m responsible for childcare when I work (Mondays and Tuesdays) and ex is responsible for Fridays (I also work Fridays)

    This summer I arranged and paid for holiday club for Mondays and Tuesdays and had a chat with ex about him doing the same for Fridays.

    But he arranged for his gf to have my son for three out of the four weeks that holiday club would be on. Instead of sending him to holiday club like he said he would.

    I’m sick of this. I hate that she sees him so often. I don’t trust her, or like her (some friends have also said they don’t like her, so it’s not just me!) and I don’t want her influencing my child..

    I’ve considered moving nurseries, but where he is, is so great  otherwise, and he’s so settled there..

    Any advice or words of wisdom? I don’t think this is something I can be comfortable with.

    #29771 Report


    It’s hard but in his time, as long as he provides safe care, who he involves is his call.

    the gf may soon get tired of being tied to someone else’s child on her days off.  And at least your son will spend time with other children on your days.

    Can you take your lead from your son? If he is happy then let it pass. Pick your battles because you have another 15 years of shared parenting to get through. 💐

    #29772 Report


    Thanks Kathy 😊

    Picking my battles is something I could definitely improve!

    #29776 Report


    Mmm, I think there’s 2 different issues here. Yes, I agree that you can’t stop dad from asking GF to care for child whilst in his allocated time however, I have an issue with the professional side. I’m not sure her employer would be happy with the fact she’s hooked up with one of their customers, this potentially contributing to the break down of a family unit. I also understand that must make you feel pretty crap as you trusted the nursery to provide a professional service, which shouldn’t include winking at and groping your husband ‘hypothetically speaking’. In your position, I may consider the option of having a conversation with the manager, and see if they might suggest a solution. I’d advise them that the last thing you want to do is move your child from the nursery, as child feels happy and you have no other concerns, but this is making you feel uncomfortable. They may suggest that on the days your child is present, GF is moved to care for another age group, they may also discuss her professional responsibility towards parents and the children she cares for. If I, in my professional duties decided to date one of my customers, there’d be a consequence. She has a position of responsibility

    #29779 Report


    Hi Greenfingers,

    You’re right, there are a few layers going on here.

    When I found out about their relationship (a month or so after it had started) I informed the nursery straight away and they had a formal chat with the GF, and put in place some arrangements so that she wouldn’t be spending time with my son while she was working (only being with the younger kids for example). That’s lapsed over the summer because there wasn’t provision for the younger kids at holiday club. I’ve just written to the nursery to remind them of the arrangements they made before. So hopefully they’ll stick to that.

    Strangely, it’s not actually against the work policy for staff to date patents of the kids who attend, as long as all parties behave professionally around the kids 🤷

    How much consistency for my child is worth so much discomfort to me. I’d really be much happier if he didn’t see her at nursery, but that would mean moving him, which I don’t want to do. And she won’t make it easy and quit!

    #29780 Report


    How old is your child?

    Indeed, just remind nursery of their commitment to you. You don’t have to settle for it, as you say there are other nurseries but I understand why you might not want to change. You’ll just have to see how the situation is managed.

    It will be interesting to see how your ex manages his responsibility of Fridays if/when their relationship ends

    #29783 Report


    My son is 3, he’ll be 4 in September. So it’s another year of him being around GF at nursery. He goes on Fridays as well, but she doesn’t work on Fridays.

    This is where the annoyance about holiday club had come from – my ex didn’t bother to book holiday club before the summer holiday, when I gave him all the information… It was easier for him to dump my kid with other people rather than keep up the routine of nursery on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. 

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