I’m new…. I need advice/opinions please.
4 July 2020 at 2:43 pm #41999
my ex left five years ago, during that time he has lied and lied about women. Anyway it turns out he left us for another woman.
during the time he left til now; his family abandoned me and kids, he refused to pay the mortgage as he and her we swanning the world, we became homeless, I managed to get a Council house but we had to move to a new town, he kept coming here treating the place like his own and has never paid me one penny towards our kids.
The hard part is abuse, name calling, put downs, manipulation, controlling.
so he never had any contacts with kids 6 weeks at the beginning of lockdown, I never said he couldn’t see them but that he needed to keep a distance as he declared he’d move in with his woman. He declined the offer, then out of the blue a very long email landed in my inbox from him, saying how he needed the kids, how he was finding it hard, how his mental health was not great….. notice the theme? He never once offered anything to me or the kids to ensure we were ok. I said to him your woman must think she’s got a fantastic guy and your mother must be so proud.
im guessing he’s lying to them as well.
but lockdown has done me a favour after several emails he sent me I forwarded them on to womenaid and they’re suggesting a harassment order. I’ve called CMS, the thing now I’m trying to find the courage to go ahead with these.
he wants to see the kids I agreed one hour set days/times/place he has called my eldest and says tell your mother to meet here at this time or tell your mom to fetch you earlier/later….he is doing this all the time, I don’t challenge it because of my child it’s not fair. He is still controlling and won’t stick to anything that is in place.
he wants my child to get stuff out the loft and out of the shed that belongs to him. Surely he doesn’t have this right …. does he?
the best bit…. he won’t tell the kids he’s living with his woman and this is the bit I’m struggling to understand…?
the story is much more complex than this, this is just a nutshell! What’s your thoughts?
thank you!4 July 2020 at 4:28 pm #420019 July 2020 at 10:52 am #42110
First of all you are doing an amazing job. It takes great strength to be able to put up with the heavy load of the guilt and emotional abuse that has been laid onto you.
My experience has been different but similar in some respects. Throughout my 6 year relationship he was always with other women, wouldn’t put anything of me or our 2 kids on social media (though he had 4 children prior & took on another girls baby as his own just after I gave birth to our 2nd). Long story short it took until christmas 2019 when he said I was responsible for his deteriorating mental health and he was going to kill himself and leave 15 letters to people closest to him to let them know it was all my fault because I wouldn’t have ‘our family’ back together. It took for me to reach rock bottom and contact Womens Aid on Boxing Day who got me in touch with Harbour. I was hesitant to go forward with the court non-molestation order because deep down I still believe he is not a bad guy and have never wanted to stand in the way of my children’s relationship with their Dad and I couldn’t separate the 2 as everything was on his terms or nothing at all and the children end up feeling like they are doing something wrong for their Dad not to show up…and when he did he wouldn’t acknowledge them but shout at me then tell my kids he hopes I die. Going through with the court order was hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Harbour were amazing and my solicitor made sure I did not have to face him in court as he ended up contesting the order. It affected my work, my mental health and my children. Dredging up all of the details, the accounts, the evidence and recalling it all felt as though I was reliving it. I had to also get the police involved and it all put on record but again the police officer was so understanding and empathetic. I am lucky that the company I work for are like family and they were so flexible and supportive making sure I made all my solicitors and court appointments to get it all sorted. I can honestly say even when the temporary order was granted it was the first time I felt safe in my own home. Sounds stupid I know but he has always just come and gone out of our lives whenever it suited him and never contributed financially. The hardest part of going for the order was the utter terror when he contested it. My children’s Dad is a very manipulative, softly spoken, well liked and deceptive guy but the Judge saw straight through it all as that was one of my biggest worries that he would make them believe I was insane and deluded which is what he always told me I was.
This order was temporarily granted in Feb but took until the end of March to be totally finalised due to him contesting. It is the best thing I have ever done and both me and my kids are a lot happier for it. He is able to make a court order for child arrangements to be put in place but is yet to do so because of the small cost involved. I am also yet to receive a penny through CMS even though it is a collect & pay account even though he earns double my income. I tell my kids Daddy is just getting himself better or as my son says ‘I hope he sorts his attitude out’. Luckily my children are 3 & 5 and although my son has witness a lot of the verbal and emotional abuse the amount he has healed in the time his Dad has not been around is incredible. He still has his moments, he is still a very anxious, frustrated and troubled child but a dark cloud has been lifted from his and my world.
I worried I was making all the wrong decisions for my children. Throughout the 6 years every decision, sacrifice and choice was made for what I thought was in the best interests of my children. It took for me to reach rock bottom, only be able to function and get out of bed dosed up to my eyeballs on anti-depressants to realise that it was to a detriment to me. Since putting myself first (through the support of Harbour & my solicitor giving me the courage) it has benefited my children massively and I so wish I had tried to get it under control sooner.
It sounds as though your ex is very manipulative, controlling and trying to hold onto this. Is there much stuff in the loft & shed which belong to him? Any of my ex’s stuff I just took to the tip or left it on the end of my drive and told him to collect it at a certain time (when me & kids were out) and if he didn’t it too would go to the tip.
He will never be honest, not to you or the kids. He won’t want to tell the kids or explain anything to them because then he has to admit how he has been acting and how he has treated you and the kids. The only thing that will happen is they will see straight through him as they grow up (or that is what I am clinging on for) and just do whatever you need to so that you are protected and he can’t control you.9 July 2020 at 11:52 am #42111
Sorry to hear all this nonsense but what I did was got an address and delivered it personally then invited ex to fetch stuff which was in one place. You could ask him to text a list of whats his them you make arrangements for him to pick it up. I would not take stuff and dump it as its childish and will add fuel.1 August 2020 at 12:02 pm #42655
thank you for your replies.
@jasres1517 a lot has changed since I wrote this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You sure a strong person and well done for being so amazing.
my children are 17,14,12,10 so they’re a bit older. But 3 weeks ago he decided to tell them he was living with another woman and they all took it amazingly.
he has them stay over on a sat only 2 at a time. He has introduced the woman to the kids, they say she is ok. But again everything on his terms, 2 at a time control me, still! I feel hopeless that I can’t stand up to him.
womenaid suggested a non mol and I went to a solicitor, it’s incredibly hard, I showed them all the emails and text and explained all that had gone on and then they turned around and said not enough evidence.
I often wonder if his woman truly knows what he is like. As I feel if you’re in a relationship like that …. surely she would know if he is paying for his kids or not?
he still consumes my thoughts, I’m highly anxious all the time it’s incredibly distressing and I feel like he still has a hold over me and each time I try to help mysekf, he comes back to contradict me. I feel like I’m going crazy insane.
it’s a horrible way of life.