I’m new here, very sad and scared.

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  • #38945 Report

    Whatever next
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I have just joined this forum as I am desperatly needing support.

    I found out 3 days ago that my husband now wants a relationship with one of my friends.

    I know this is bad but there is more to it.

    I will give a brief background of how I got here.

    Aged 21 I met my husband, I had previously been in a very abusive relationship with a man 14 years older and had a son aged 1.

    My husband came into my life and I fell so desperately in love, he was amazing with my son and we have the best time together. He was technically in relationship when he first confessed his love to me, but apparently neither of them lived eachother. Didn’t matter to me though, following day i told her the truth.

    We moved away and lived a very happy life, we made a great couple, we got married and had 3 daughter a together, sadly one of my daughter’s  died at full term and was stillborn.

    From this moment everything changed, I then found out loads of my husband’s lies, little ones that he would make huge by telling me it’s all in my head etc, my eldest son decided to love with his arsehole dad which broke my heart. I struggled with trusting my husband but we still had a great marriage.

    By last summer I realised the trust issues were too much and I hadn’t dealt with the grief of losing my son or daughter. My other daughter could sense sadness between myself and my husband and I felt I needed space so I asked for seperation to try clear my head. This was a temp seperation and we agreed by 3 months we would be back to normal. During these three no the nothing changed, other then husband livi g with his mate, we were still sleeping with eachother, together every weekend as a family etc. Due to this I was not ready after the 3 months I felt we both needed longer. But we were still sleeping with eachother, planning our renewel of vows etc.

    Now I have found out that whole time he has been falling for my friend, speaking to her the whole time, now he loves her and want a to be with her.

    I’m now moving out of the family home with our children. Any hopes of trying to me and our marriage have gone.

    To topitoff this friend of mine was one i had met through the death of our babies and we supported eachother for 5 years through the birth and life of our subsequent babies. Now this means I will not be able to attend memorial services for my deceased daughter as he will be there with her.

    How do you even start to process this.

    I keep thinking of all our plans we had and how that has now been destroyed and he didn’t give us a chance. And the continuous lies I fell for. I feel so stupid.

    Please help

    #38977 Report

    Sandra
    Moderator

    Hello

    My name is Sandra and I am one of the moderators on the Gingerbread forum – I am going to send you a private message so please look out for this

    very best wishes, I hope you get some supportive responses from other single parents

    Sandra

    #39216 Report

    Family Time
    Participant

    Hello ,

    Iam so sorry you feel like this . I spent 10 years in an abusive marriage and left in 2009 I spent two years on my own with many sleepless nights worried how I was going to bring up five children.  2011 I met someone new offered us all the world but that soon changed i lost our first child  together early on 14 weeks but still painful he showed no emotion , six months later I was pregnant again and had a beautiful little girl again I felt on top of the world I fell pregnant again not longer after but again lost this child at 14 weeks again,  we were blessed with  another beautiful little girl  and I felt our life’s were complete however in 2017 he spent ten weeks with someone else broke my heart I begged for him back and he came after she had finished with him IV tried really hard for 2 n half years but 24.01.2020 he left again , he is very busy all over social media with many females Iam crushed he hasn’t bothered with our little girls it’s soul destroying we all have times we feel stupid but we are setting standards for our children they watch our every move let’s stop this happening to our children as they grow let’s show these useless men we are better . Iam so sorry you lost a little girl she will always be with you in your heart , how selfish of him to not only betray you but to do it with your friend I would concentrate on getting your head in the right place , yes you can go to these memorials but I understand how hard this would be for you , hold your own choose a special place set a date every year and remember how strong you are .

    Here if you need to talk . Life is short let him rot where he belongs it won’t last . Stay safe .

    #39572 Report

    Tanj
    Participant

    Hi I’m new here. I have decided to separate from my husband. We have been together since I was 17, I am now 38. We have 3 children, 18,15,8. As long as I can remember we have always had a turbalent relationship. My husband can be controlling towards me and he has never trusted me although I have never been unfaithful. He can be loving also though which can be confusing. It all come to an end when I had come home from work and he accused me of taking photos of myself on my iPad. He took the iPad off me and changed password so I could not go back on the tablet. He then removed the hoover and locked it in the shed because he said it was his hoover so I couldn’t use it. My oldest daughter confided in me and said that all she can remember is her dad and me fighting and breaking up. I don’t want my other children having those bad memories. I love my husband but no matter how many times I take him back he. Is in his good behave for a while but it starts again. I’m petrified of being alone, growing old alone. I’m 38 work full time and he said he won’t help watch children because he doesn’t see why I should earn money and not him.

    although we are now separated we are currently living in same house because with the lockdown of covid19 he said he can’t find a house. I’m so confused and feeling scared of the future to come.

     

    thank u

    #39582 Report

    Hey there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about everything you are going through.  It’s incredibly tough and can feel totally overwhelming, but you will get there!

     

    First piece of practical advice – unless you’re experiencing DV – don’t leave the family home.  Get legal advice on your rights.  At the moment you may feel like you just want to get away, but a safe, stable home for you and the kids is the most important thing.  Plus you don’t need to added stress of moving at this time.

     

    secondly, in terms of coping with the grief/anger/regret/sorrow and all the other complex feelings, here’s some things that will help:

    1. It’s OK to feel.  Cry when you need to.  But don’t drown in the feelings.  Let then pass through you and you will feel some relief after.
    2. Write down your thoughts and feelings every day. This will help get everything out, and over time will allow you to start to make sense of everything that’s happened.
    3. Do as much to support your mental health as you can – eat well, sleep well, get out in the fresh air every day, exercise, relax (do yoga, listen to guided relaxations, have a bath).

    4. One day at a time – just focus on what needs doing today.  Tomorrow will sort itself.

    5. Yoga has been shown to be THE best treatment we have for trauma (outperforming meds in research trials).  Search up restorative yoga and do some everyday.

    6. Keep talking to friends and family

    Hope this helps

    sending you lots of strength

    Zoe x

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