I’m confused I think

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  PeterD 6 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #25711 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi

    I have posted a few times now explaining that my kids mother wanted a separation which all done and dusted. I have the kids with me. But one question she never answered was why she wanted the kids to live with me and not her.

    Any thoughts?

    PeterD

    #25712 Report

    GAM19187
    Participant

    Hi PeterD,

    Without excusing her, I can only think that she may have never clicked into motherhood. Or just simply she has other priorities right now that does not include children?

    Anyway there is so little we can do about other people’s actions that it is better to focus on you and your children, in this way you don’t waste your precious energy that is so much needed for all of you.

    I am all about reading books to help me cope with things. One book that has helped me to cope in different stages in life is “The Four Agrements”.

    Happy to talk any time you need it.

    G.

    #25713 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi G

    thanks for that.

    I don’t know if I forgive her. The looks on the kids faces is forever etched in my mind.

    You maybe right

    when they were living with her she couldn’t cope hence I got social services involved that’s why they are with me.

    P

    #25714 Report

    GAM19187
    Participant

    Hi P,

    I know, our children hurt more than anything in the world, but they are lucky to have you and with you they will find a happy home and a happy life.

    Focus on that 🙂

    G

    #25715 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    😊😊

    #25718 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi G

    Just when I thought life couldn’t get any more confusing.

    Their mother has just called me and I asked her again why she gave the kids up.

    Her answer was because I get the tax credits and child benefits even though she surrendered them to me as part of the separation.

    Am I missing something here???

    P

    #25719 Report

    GAM19187
    Participant

    Hi P,

    Lame excuse to be honest. I don’t think she’s thinking clearly – just assuming.

    Asking her why will only reopen the wound, let yourself heal and move on- that’s my advice.

    Only time will tell what happens next.

    G.

    #25720 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi G

    Thanks your words ring true.

    Guess I’m having one of those low moments.

    P

    #25729 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    She obviously needs to blame someone rather than herself, so has used the cb and ctc as the excuse!

    I think that for some family life isn’t what they thought it would be and they wish to have this more exciting existence that doesn’t involve commitments.  Be they are mother or father.  I struggle to understand this more when it’s a mother,  primarily because of biology and the bond that is usually so strong,  but maybe that’s unfair and she just doesn’t have that bond?

    Reality is that you biggest concern would be securing the future of the children with you so she cannot dip in and out as she pleases or if the new faith/relationship changes. As that would be far worse on the children to have such uncertainty .

    #25778 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi S

    I absolutely agree with you. So I have already started full custody for my kids.

    What really gets me this may sound awful but I was the one who was not really bothered about having a family she was and look how it’s turned out.

    We are moving into a new house next week so hopefully that will keep me busy

    regards

    P

    #25785 Report

    Alicia-of-Canada
    Participant

    From the family relationships courses I have taken I have learned that when women give up parenting their children it is usually due to one or a combo of the following 5 reasons:

    1) undealt with post-partum depression

    2) drug and/or alcohal addiction

    3) lack of a good relationship with their own mother growing up

    4) lack of maternal conditioning (often from being an only child, youngest child or never having been around younger children much growing up)

    5) separation from their children for too long a period in the first 6 months, resulting in a lack of bond with their child (often happens when a child has been put into foster care or a mother has had to go back to work too soon)

     

    It is much rarer for women than men to give up parenting responsibilities. But unfortunately, you cannot likely do anything about it other than leave the door open for the mother to get involved with your children if at any point in the future she wishes, as minimally as she wishes. I would advise you to let the mother know if she wants to visit the kids at any time in the future that the door is always open.  This will be hard on the kids if she comes in and out of their lives but it will be HARDER if she never comes into it at all if you close that door. Unfortunately, a tiny bit of contact with your children is better for them than no contact at all.

    #25788 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi A

    Thank you.

    So she definitely had one off the list possibly two.

    I will leave the door open but will find it very hard to do so if I’m honest. I know I have no choice

    What she has put our kids through is totally unacceptable and as I mentioned in a previous post the looks on their faces will be forever with me.

    Kindest regards

    P

    #25819 Report

    Alicia-of-Canada
    Participant

    Unfortunately, kids long for parents that hurt them. Its hard to see them go through that but the heart wants what it wants. I used to work in youth group homes. Reading the case files of these kids, you really wonder why the kids want so badly to go back with their parents. Abuse, neglect, addictions issues, mental issues, these kids experience so much at the hands of their parents yet they yearn for them. And virtually all the studies done have shown that keeping kids from these types of parents does do harm, as idiotic as that sounds. But supervised or controlled or sporadic visits do kids well because as they get older they get to understand who their parents are and it prevents illusions and dreams from forming regarding them. It’s going to be hard for you but just be there for your kids, talk about things with them if they want to talk but never disparage her and don’t lie if they ask you questions, just be kind in your answers. Good luck. I know it’s hard. My kids’ father is a difficult person to deal with but as the years go buy I am finding my kids are realizing things about their dad on their own. And yes, I see the hurt and they lash out at me. You have to understand though, if your kids are lashing out at you, it’s because you are the parent that is there and they are secure in knowing that you won’t leave them even if they are awful to you. They will never lash out at the parent who they rarely see because they worry then that that parent will withdraw from them even more

    #25822 Report

    GAM19187
    Participant

    Hi A

    Your post resonates so much in my life too. Not that my ex is a horrible person or has intentionally hurt them but I understand the long for him and when they come back home with me, it’s like they can let their emotions flow. Never understood why but I get it now.

    G.

    #25824 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    You’ve had some really good thoughts from people here especially from Alicia. In my case it was that my boys mum didnt have the maternal conditioning so really struggled when he was young, thankfully that’s long passed now he is older.

    As G said trying to get an answer from her could cause more upset than its worth and you probably won’t get the full answer anyway. In time she may well turn things around and seek your childrens forgiveness, that maybe hard but ultimately the children have two parents and it would be great to have both parents involved in their lives even if one isn’t there so much so regardless of what you think try not to push her away.

    Mark

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