I’m an idiot and I need friends desperately

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  • #52685 Report

    JulieM8tley
    Participant

    I left my husband 2 years ago, he’s a narscistic controlling bully,  I am still letting him into my life, with his charm and promises to be a better person, I’m so stupid that I forgive him and allow him to get closer to me again. And every time he hurts me, why am I too stupid to realise this, today I feel good in my head that I need to sever the tie and the hold he has over me. But I know I’ll forgive him again and the cycle will begin again. All my fiends are married so I’m feeling I need support of single parents so you can tell me I’m an idiot and I will be ok alone. I’m very down when he’s around, that’s why I left.
    There aren’t any gingerbread groups near me.
    how do I break this cycle, I was brave enough to leave, how do I stop it now. And why won’t he leave me alone

    #52686 Report

    JonathanAndTwoBoys
    Participant

    Sounds like what a friend described to me recently who is in the process of leaving her abusive ex. It’s quite common for partners who are mentally/emotionally abused to feel they have to make amends or repair the relationship subconsciously. Best advice I can give is as soon as you start letting him get close, stop and take a step away from it. It’s similar to getting through the toilet training years with kids – it’s bloody painful at times and you feel as if it’s easier to go back to the way it was but it’s much better to push on and make the change.

    He keeps coming back to repeat the past and exercise control over you. That’s endemic in the personality type you describe and will sadly NEVER change. Get out for your own good, and the kids too (assuming you have the kids). He will say or do whatever he can to worm his way back in. It’s not good.

    If there aren’t any Gingerbread groups near you (like me, my nearest is 20+ miles away and not had a reply back from any of them within an hour’s drive since asking for info) then ask for help on here, like you have done and also seek help from your local Refuge or similar women-only support charities or groups. They will be only too happy to listen to you and help you make the right decisions for YOU, not him.

    #52688 Report

    JulieM8tley
    Participant

    Thank you so much. Great advice ☺️

    #52689 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    You are not an idiot.

    It’s hard to let go of the familiar if there’s no replacement.It’s like losing a tooth or a limb.(Even if it did give you trouble).It’s also hard to wave him goodbye if everyone you know is married and no one will really understand you on the bad days when you might be lonely…and there will be those who will say”well you chose this yknow”🙄.

    Well no,you did not choose this! You are just choosing to make the best of a bad situation.You have not been an idiot to let him back into your life in the past,it’s just the way these things work and if you have the strength now to face what’s happening and choose to try a different route,then hats off to you.

    It might be helpful to find a counsellor or therapist to talk things through with bc they will be better able to be objective and will help you clarify for yourself what you are feeling and won’t push you into doing anything rash, so you can feel more secure in what you choose to do- and why- with no regrets. Good luck,for the mo it’s probably enough just to try to say sane💗  & please don’t call yourself an idiot.There’s always others willing to take on that position🙃 Be nice to yourself!

     

    #52690 Report

    BLIMQUIM
    Participant

    Im going/gone through something similar. Deffo get a therapist. Also go no contact and block him on everything. If he persists get a harassment order. Im not gonna lie its hard as ****. When the kids are not here is the hardest as i dont know anyone where i live. Good luck to you!

    #52691 Report

    JulieM8tley
    Participant

    Thank you for the lovely messages, and advice, really appreciated 😊

     

    #52693 Report

    onaya
    Participant

    You are not an idiot.

    I am going through the same thing.  I finally chose that I’m not putting up with the humiliating and demoralising behaviour from him anymore.  When I left he called everyone I ever knew, told them how horrible I was and that I would “take all of them for everything they ever had”, he even went as far as calling my boss at work.

    Lucky for me, I’ve worked for my boss for over 20 years, he knows me very well, my friends knew me 10 years+, he knew them 10 minutes, he even tried to turn my 20 year old daughter against me.  As it turns out he is the one sat alone now, with no friends and absolutely no-one trusts him.

    Unfortunately they get in your head, he is trying to get into your head.  It’s the only way they know how to survive. But be strong, do not allow him to do it, yes it’s hard, everytime someone else tells me a story of what I have apparently done I want to scream, but then I think “will this benefit me?” No, it won’t, “does it benefit my child?” No, it doesn’t “will it benefit him?” yes it will… Because even though no-one will believe the stories, and I know they don’t , it benefits him whilst he sits back and goes “Yep, I got to her again, I did it again, yay me, aren’t I wonderful? I DID THIS, look how I manipulate you”.

    It’s hard, it’s horrible, but don’t ever believe you are an idiot.  You are not, you simply fell in love with this person and trusted him.  It’s difficult to break the cycle but only because you have convinced yourself that “Anything is better than this, please I just want it to stop so behind the lines you convince yourself it’s your fault”, It’s not your fault, it is his and his alone… It will never stop, he will never change. It will only stop when YOU stop it, and do not allow him to do this to you anymore.

    Be kind to yourself, sadly the world is full of malicious people – but also don’t forget that the rest of the population are not malicious people. You will find friends, he is not your world, love yourself and do not put yourself down, do not allow him the satisfaction, he wants to break you which is why you feel the way you do.

    Reaching out to a therapist could be good for you, IF it is for you.  I did, it did not work for me, but sadly there is not a one solution fits all package, it’s hard but genuinely the first thing you have to do is accept what has happened, decide you will not torture yourself anymore and stay strong. You can do it, you are not an idiot, sadly he has convinced you that you are, but don’t forget that is HIS projection on you.  Don’t allow yourself to be treated that way anymore.

    I wish you all the very best in the world xxx

    #52694 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello Julie,

    That is what they are. They are like boomerangs until they find someone to replace you and control them. Unfortunately this doesn’t always work, and then they are back again. You are lucky with him charming his way back into your life. I can assure you, there are ways much worse. And you are right with the idiot, by the way.  An idiot by definition is someone who does the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. But the good thing is, you know now. So time for a change in attitude.

    What you need to be aware of is the weak person behind this facade. They need the empowerment of having control. The more you let them, the bigger they become. Ignorance is the best deflater.

    In three months it is 22 years and we are separated for five now. She still thinks she has total control over my life. I just ignore her. She can make my life difficult but I make the decisions for myself. Whatever she does it is like bad weather. Eventually it will pass. Our youngest one will be in secondary in autumn. Six years to go from then. There is light at the end of the tunnel And she will never ever have a shred of power over me again.

    You will get there.

    #52695 Report

    JulieM8tley
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I really needed to hear all your lovely comments, and support. And realise it’s ok to make a change. I don’t have to keep allowing this to go on. X

    #52702 Report

    Shimmy
    Participant

    My estranged husband is a Narcissist and it’s like nothing you could describe. The way he manipulated and used financial control. He was so charming, eloquent and handsome. So it was hard for anyone to believe or understand what the children and I were going through.
    We were childhood sweethearts so we grew up together. He always could exaggerate a story or charm his way out of a situation. As the years went by he fine tuned and perfected his art. It didn’t help that he was a lawyer so had that air of elitism (apologies for to any lawyers on this forum).
    I was made out to be an ice queen, thick, bad upbringing, disorganised, untidy, lazy the list goes on. While he was everything good. The extent that he would go to in lies. Yet no one would say a bad word about him. The strange thing was I would also defend him, to keep a happy home for the children and I. He was never physically abusive in fact he would buy me expensive presents the children never wanted for anything. But it was all on his terms. He would choose and buy all my clothes, shoes, bags, ect Encourage me to have my hair done a certain style.
    He would want to know where I was, the exact location. Pick me up afterwards so I could have a drink. Which all seems great on the surface, but if I was out for dinner with friends he would make up an excuse or a last minute alteration of the time and pick me up earlier.
    When he finally left me for another woman, it didn’t stop. In fact I saw and heard from him more than I did when we were together. He would  work really hard at creating a story which involved the children so I would have to converse with him. Or move things around the house or outside the house. Things would disappear for weeks then reappear but there would be multiple items e.g bucket to wash the car disappeared then x5 reappeared a few days later.

    What I’ve learnt is any attention either good or bad they will thrive on. So I keep my conversation polite and very short mainly via text/email.
    I also see him for what he is. The feeling lost and lonely still hurts but it does get better. As I think of the alternative. If you do take them back which I’ve done on a few occasions, they don’t change they just punish you for ever leaving them. In their eyes they think you are their property.

    Keep going and don’t look back,  you’ve got this!! Xx

    #52733 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    Well I was an idiot too, for yrs.

    Know EXACTLY how you feel but the last contact was the straw that broke the camels back as he clearly believed he could dial up tbe cruelty as I had taken so much before. But he went too far. So now he is history.

    Be strong. I have realised it’s the loneliness, the history between us and not wanting to face a ‘void’ in my life that made me an idiot for so long. Dont know if any of that applies to you.

    You not alone, hope things improve, you can message me if you ever want to talk

    Xx

    #52734 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    Of course neither of us are idiots..tbey are!!

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