I want to be less angry

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  • #57911 Report

    292
    Participant

    Hi

    I can’t sleep and I am sure my friends and family would agree with me that my ex is intolerable but I feel like I can’t say it again.
    I am lucky he is not aggressive, he pays maintenance.
    but I am so angry. I have two children who live with me full time. He sees them on a Sunday, something I set up to keep a good relationship between him and the kids nearly 3 years ago when I discovered his 18 month affair which started when I was still breastfeeding my youngest. I had already discovered his sex doll.
    While no longer with the woman he had the affair with, he’s been with his girlfriend a couple of years.
    He is however the most entitled person. He claims to co-parent, despite doing no actual parenting. Over the summer holidays he cleared off to Greece for 2 weeks, missing 2 weekends of seeing the kids and only bothering to tell me it would be two whilst he was in Greece. Meanwhile I am juggling summer holiday child care, entertainment and preparing for the new school year with children who grow quicker than the national debt. I am in short tired, while he is blissfully rested. They don’t think or ask if it’s ok if they miss 2 weeks, I as an actual parent can’t do anything without ensuring child care first. Of course I would never not be there to look after my children.
    they come back laden with gifts some of which they want to send back to my house. While all I want to do is rip them up and tread them into the dirt.
    I think what kills me is how I feel so disregarded and disrespected. Yet somehow they look on me as the bad guy for not liking them or being ‘good friends as we co-parent together’. He is not a co-parent, he’s a bloody play date.
    it also hurts how excited the kids are by his attentions. I get it, he’s novel, he doesn’t make them brush their teeth, do their homework or pick up their stuff. He swoops in with gifts and the energy of someone who does exactly as they please 99% of the time. I know or hope in the long run they will know the difference between someone who daily put them first and someone who played ‘dad’ when it suited. But it all seems so bloody unfair. He has his perfect life no responsibility but the glory bits of parenthood. It’s not my perfect life please don’t think that. I just want to punch him. I hate the way he manages to make me feel like my feelings, needs and responses to behaviour are either irrelevant or unreasonable and he is entitled to behave however he wants.
    I have tried to reduce any conversation between us to avoid this, I have tried to play the game differently to take his fuel away so he can’t box me into the bad guy role. But he still manages to leave me feeling angry and used.
    thank you for listening, if you have any tips about how to let go of the frustration and anger I am all ears (auto correct just changed ears to wars, so perhaps auto correct knows how I feel)

    #57913 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    I think you should tread carefully. if you do bin the gifts he gets for them, then that will definitely make you the bad guy in the children’s eyes. it would be nice if he could help out more with child care, but he can not be forced to spend more time with the kids.

    #57922 Report

    1999
    Participant

    Just wanted to say i totally get the ‘playdate’ and not parenting! It’s so frustrating. Also have felt like i think you do, that they know full well that that’s the case – and that they have total control over the situation. I got told off that his son was too tired to ‘do anything’ – he doesn’t get the just ‘looking after’ side of parenting. Usual pattern here is random telephone call, pick up say 10/11am then back 2/3pm. No warning so not able to plan anything for myself and if I’ve ventured anywhere they’ll be outside the house waiting for me when i come back after a dog walk/food shop!!!

    #58344 Report

    herbee3
    Participant

    oh my god. i searched for how to deal with the anger and your post is EXACTLY how i am feeling too.

    i am really not doing at all well hiding it from my kids either. trying – but failing.

    #58346 Report

    AM1234
    Participant

    Absolutely get your frustrations, my daughters dad is exactly the same. He’s going away with his girlfriend next week having given me 1 weeks notice and I’m expected to drop everything to be there for my daughter.

    #58347 Report

    BaffledbySystem
    Participant

    I completely understand what you’re feeling, it’s beyond infuriating and unfair. You don’t deserve this. I find knowledge is power where it come to narcissistic ex’s, which is what yours sounds like! Any reaction, even via your children (the gifts etc) it’s energy/fuel for them and their sick need to cause chaos and disruption/hurt. So, strip everything else away and remember that, just don’t fuel it. It honestly helps to disassociate yourself from certain situations and by default helps to keep up appearances infront of the children.

    Another bit of advice, treat the relationship with him like a business, be firm and polite and try to show as little emotion as possible. Be as boring as possible, yes that will be hard, especially when he knows how to press your buttons, but it will get easier and eventually pay off.

    you’re not alone 🙂xxx

    #58464 Report

    Jan1972
    Participant

    Use a mediator to agree days/dates of when either of you have the kids., prep for this by  being clear what you want, stipulate that if he is unable to have them on on the agreed days/holidays, he needs to give you x amount of notice and confirm which weekend he will have them instead.

     

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