I thought it would get easier
16 February 2019 at 1:39 pm #21152
I’ve been divorced for 9 years, and have a 16 year old daughter and 12 year old son, their dad does not show any interest in seeing or being involved in their lives and has a new family (usual, met someone at work ,10 years younger). He married last year and suddenly stopped paying child maintenance (agreed through child maintenance) after years of regular payments.
I work full time and I thought things would get easier as the kids got older. At last I have no childcare worries/cost!! But, I am actually completely drained. I have a sports crazy son, he sees his friends’ dads doing things with their sons and you can see the longing in his eyes. I try to make sure he doesn’t miss out, is involved in lost of sports clubs and every year I take him to see one new event wrestling, rugby, football. This year he went skiing with the school, it was a sacrifice financially but there is no way I would be able to ever take him, he was absolutely over the moon to be able to go.
Today was my son’s football practise, couldn’t find his boots (even though he has two), on the way I realised the match had started 30 minutes ago, I was looking at next weeks matches details!! I’ve come home and now have to try and persuade my 16year old to stick to her GCSE revision schedule.
There are hardly any single parents where I live, parents are either married or already on their second relationship and only socialise with other couples. I’m tired of being the isolated unorganised parent, rushing from activity to activity. My house is an absolute mess, needs a lick of paint. My finances are still recovering from xmas and paying for my son’s school ski trip, and the loss of currently 6 months child maintenance payments which I am chasing through the agency.
Something needs to change but I’m not sure what or how. Your thoughts and advice would be really appreciated.16 February 2019 at 11:51 pm #21161
I think you hit the nail on the head with your description how how you feel. Isolated and unorganised and rushing. It’s exactly how I’ve felt at multiple times since separating.
Based on the mistakes I made during the first few months of my separation and what I learnt since:
The first to address is isolation…it can make you ill…and you can feel unable to do other things as a result. This could be as simple as getting in touch with old friends…or strengthening bond with any family or simply joining a forum like this. I must say the support from this forum is fantastic, you’ve come to a good place.
Once you don’t feel so alone, sitting down and working things out can be a great help. The biggest stress you have in any situation is the unknown. As soon as you can quantify things your mind can’t make those problems any bigger than they are because you’ve put them in a box so to speak. So like with money issues sitting down and having figures down etc really helps… because it is also the first step to a solution as you know exactly what you’re dealing with.
With bad thoughts or feelings or even trying to remember things as much as it sounds cliche’ writing a journal can be really useful as it lets you just vent stuff out and organise your thoughts so you think more clearly.
Not sure if you are a gadget kind of person or old fashioned but same works for electronic and paper based journals…it’s just the process of getting stuff down that helps. Also on the subject of electronic organisation having a google calendar or equivalent really helps if you use it right as you can have reminders to your phone as something on hand to check your schedule which is useful if people ask you to do stuff and you’re in the habbit of just saying yeah no problem and get overloaded. When you know exactly what time you have available the ability to just say no to some things and learning that it’s ok to and necessary is a really important skill to learn.16 February 2019 at 11:54 pm #21162
Just to add to above sorry, not sure if you all have phones but with the family ..having shared calendars may help as you can all keep track then..but more importantly if any last minute changes.17 February 2019 at 9:57 am #21172
Thanks so much, you don’t know how much just replying to my post has done for me. I’m so glad I joined this forum. Being able to share my thoughts and feelings with another human being has already lifted my spirit. It’s when something really great happens or terrible and you don’t have anyone to share it with is when you feel the most isolated.
The shared calendar is a great idea, I’m not great with technology but the kids are. We are going to set this up today!17 February 2019 at 1:59 pm #21175
Hi, I have an old fashioned calendar on the wall & small diary in my hand bag..My DD knows she has to ‘check the calendar’ before committing me to running her wherever 😉 Admittedly easier for me with just 1 at home.. The other thing I do is keep a photo in my faves on my phone with the whole years sch hols on & her netball fixtures for the season just incase!.. Good Luck x17 February 2019 at 9:24 pm #21177
Hi there…ive been on my own for 4 years and only have my son to think about…bit he’s 7 so still quite fully dependent on me. The thing I find the hardest and which is a source of my depression is the isolation. I find that I’m not invited to things much and in my mind it’s because I’m on my own. All my friends are married and I used to do things with them when I was with my partner…but now I’m a single parent I find that I don’t fit in anymore. Who wants someone hanging around a family day out is what I think. My ex has stopped maintenance payments this year so I am feeling the strain financially too. Plus im rubbish at running a house. But the main thing I hate is sitting in on my own every night. I just go to bed early so I don’t have to sit on front of the tv by myself.
So you are defo not alone…it’s good to be able to get things off your chest. X