I need some help around how to manage contact in these circumstances

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  • #47960 Report

    SugarMilly
    Participant

    My ex-partner and I have a 12 month old daughter. We were, until recently in a relationship and have been for about 3 years. We don’t live together, however. Our daughter lives with me full time and he was coming over to visit her.

    The reason for the break up is that my ex partner shows a lot of emotional instability and his being at my house has started to affect my mental health.

    He is obsessed with conspiracy theories concerning Donald Trump. The final straw for me was him aligning himself with the people who stormed the government buildings in Washington DC and saying that he thinks they were right to do it. He also thinks that Covid doesn’t exist and that vaccinations are designed to kill people or make them infertile. Earlier this week when that happened I told him he should be ashamed to endorse violence. He then said that he thinks he should take our daughter because he ‘doesn’t want her living under tyranny’. I don’t think he would really take her but obviously I was upset by this.

    He acknowledges that he has mental health problems but if he is struggling, instead of consulting a doctor or a psychotherapist, he starts going to see psychics, reiki practitioners and faith healers. He just wants to sit there and be told that he’s a light worker and about his past lives etc. Most of the time this makes him worse. He also uses a pendulum to make important decisions. As a result, he is living over an hour away from me and the rest of his family and is isolated there.

     

    I have so many concerns that I don’t even know where to begin. Our daughter loves him and I feel bad that I’ve reduced the contact time she has with him. But at the same time I see him as unstable and currently not a healthy influence for her given his views which are sickening to me. He spends all day online talking about conspiracy theories, to the extent that he has not been working.

    How do I handle this? I just don’t know what to do. I still have feelings for him and if I let him come to the house he can break my resolve. Because of covid and the cold weather it’s hard to enable contact and find a neutral place. What is reasonable? I just want what’s best for our daughter.

    #47964 Report

    Gummibear123
    Blocked

    Hi.

    While she’s still too small to understand his views it probably won’t effect Her much.I could never bear to cut my kids off from their dad so I’ve put up with what my friends say is far too much,but it’s tricky if you don’t have another venue & you don’t trust him fully.I know this sounds odd but it’s a strange world…can you let him be with her in the house while you go out? That way you don’t have to listen to him,she has the contact and you know where they are.Might sound weird but I was reduced to that sometimes.Mothers are heroes.

    #47968 Report

    warwickshire1
    Blocked

    I think he is entitled to have his views . Perhaps you should just say you respect his views, but you dont wish to discuss them and have a debate about it.

    Lockdowns do make you talk about views more due to boredom and frustration etc. Nobody knows for sure what goes on at end of day so people will always have contrasting views. What your ex partner is saying is no doubt what people have heard a lot of other people say in person and on social media.

    Hopefully he can see his daughter more but perhaps keeps his views to himself so he dont irritate you and cause anxiety

    #47971 Report

    SugarMilly
    Participant

    I don’t respect his views. I don’t respect people who think that violence solves anything.

    The situation we have now is a last resort. I have repeatedly asked him not to talk about this stuff but his conversation threads are limited to 1. Covid is an hoax, 2. Vaccines kill people, 3. If you wear a mask, you’re participating in a satanic ritual. As well as all the QAnon stuff.

    My daughter was prescribed antibiotics and he wouldn’t let me give them to her. He forced me to have our Sky cancelled because he says the radiation could harm our baby.

    this isn’t just the difference between someone who votes conservative and someone who votes labour.

    I also don’t see why I should leave my house. I have nowhere to go because of lockdown. I have tried to make the relationship work but he’s made it impossible.

    #47975 Report

    SugarMilly
    Participant

    Meant to also say that in ordinary circumstances I’d drive her to either his mums or his brothers for him to have contact there but that isn’t an option at the moment because of lockdowns.

    #47980 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    that sounds pretty unbearable. problem is him being isolated on his own and not seeing his child could make him a lot worse. i get so annoyed when ppl send me stuff on whatapp about covid being a hoax. if i had to live with such a person, they would need to live in the attic or shed.

    is there way you can get him referred for some mental health counselling/treatment? maybe giving social services a call could be of help. tell them your worried that he is mentally unstable and not sure whether its safe for your child to be with him.

    #47983 Report

    SugarMilly
    Participant

    I don’t want to stop him seeing her. It’s just difficult because she’s too young to stay overnight at his, yet and he lives over an hour away from us.

    #47985 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    if things are amicable enough, you could just let him spend time with child in the next room. you could do your own thing and try ignore him.

    #47988 Report

    SugarMilly
    Participant

    I think that might be the only way. But the problem is he says ‘oh I’m so tired, can’t I stay here overnight?’ This has happened again and again I’m the past. I end up caving.

    #47990 Report

    Gummibear123
    Blocked

    Steve3334 is right.Get a shed.

    or a tent.

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