7 February 2019 at 12:44 pm #20714
I notice a lot of similarities between your situation and mine, including user name!
My wife told me just over a year ago she wanted to separate. She has been quite nasty about it too from the beginning which is potentially the hardest thing to deal with as I don’t understand why.
Perhaps like you I invested heavily in my role as a father and let some of my own friendships and interests take a back seat. Now I find I’m spending half of the week just sitting alone pining for my kids. I also feel like even if I did go out and “have a great time” I would be betraying them.
At times it feels like an impossible situation.
I’m seeing a counsellor which I think is helping. I would encourage that.
The fact that you feel like you can barely function indicates that you are feeling your feelings which is good. Others appear to be coping better on the surface but the feelings could come out in more destructive ways.
Everyone says that things will ease with time. So I’m happy to subscribe to that.
These forums are pretty good too. There’s a separated dads one too which I visit quite a lot when I need to!
Wishing you all the best for the difficult months ahead.7 February 2019 at 3:04 pm #20717
I can relate to letting friendships and interests take a back seat and I must admit it’s something that I’ve not regained yet (the interests bit) though spend loads of time with family and trying now to get back in touch with old friends, though most are now all coupled up and busy with their own families or moved away. I don’t think that spending time alone pining is a good thing…. I found myself doing exactly that and it gives you too much time to think.
Spending time in good company especially when your mind isn’t in a good place is essential as I’m sure your councillor will have told you helps stop negative thought processes in their tracks and you also get their healthier take on things not your own. When you are in a situation sometimes it’s very difficult to see it for what it is as you are overwhelmed by how it’s made you feel, and sometimes someone on the outside helps you see things more clearly as well as pointing out how well you are doing when you may focus on the negative (something I’m sure separating parents of both sexes are guilty of initially).
Things take time yes, but not just time – as by itself it can make things worse depending on the situation. For example unresolved things can bottle up, or situations when sustained can worsen. The key is to keep chipping away at the areas of most concern until you’re in a better place. Sometimes it’s tempting to bury head in the sand or pretend things aren’t happening, or just seek a distraction of escapism of one form or another but you’re still left facing the music. Having some kind of plan and a goal, no matter how far fetched it seems now, and being able to visualise it is something important I found, (for example seeing yourself in a home you like, being independent and confident, and have your kids see you regularly and you are all happy etc).
Once you’ve accepted what has happened and what is happening, you’re then in a position where you can feel empowered to steer it in the direction you want. I certainly wasn’t a good place when I first separated and doubted I was doing a good job as a dad etc.. though everyone told me otherwise. Things do take time but you have to believe that situations change, both good and bad and kind of roll with it… and you have to believe that you can be the person you were before any compromises were made and you let friends and interests etc go. It does change you, and you’re not the person you were before and you’ll never be the same… but hopefully what it leaves you with is just wiser through experience and you might do things differently moving forward that’s all.
Opening up to new people, let alone relationships will take time… for now focus on getting yourself to a good place.
You’re going to be ok 🙂8 February 2019 at 12:29 pm #20757
Im a single mum of two kids. I live in North London Edmonton. I am new to this .I joined up because I want to meet new friends,I m so lonely etc.8 February 2019 at 1:45 pm #207588 February 2019 at 6:26 pm #20822
Hi. How are you. I hope everything is all good.this is my first time on this website. Have you been on this website for long.8 February 2019 at 7:18 pm #20824
All good I guess . Just under a year8 February 2019 at 8:23 pm #20830
funny enough that is exactly the same reason I came on here today and signed up. I’ve been separated for 5yrs, totally not my idea, husband had an affair after we moved abroad. The kids and I have moved back and we do have some great friends however being single I don’t get included to socialise with them at the weekend and I have the kids clubs each evening. Being a single parent is super lonely and I’m also wondering the best way to meet people. Everyone is right though you do need to look after no 1.. plus numbers 2&3… you’ve gotta leave no 4 to look after herself because that’s what she’s currently doing.
If anyone knows ways of socialising with other single parents I’d love to know too.
X8 February 2019 at 9:18 pm #20833
Another single parent here, hi everyone!
I have 2 under 2, challenging isn’t the word 😀 when there’s time for me (rare) I’m too knackered but I know I need to start getting back out there. I lost a lot of my confidence and self esteem when I separated from my ex and think now is the right time to push myself to make new friendships and would be great if it were with people that ‘get it’!
Good luck to you all and stay strong!8 February 2019 at 10:49 pm #20836
Hi I am a single mum and I find making new friends and meeting new people difficult. It scares me as children are growing up so much and soon they arent going to be here.
I hope you find the confidence to start meeting people.9 February 2019 at 10:44 am #20844
I’m currently looking at college evening courses. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is this a good way to meet new people? Seems like a good plan but i’m not sure what to do. Maybe a language.9 February 2019 at 7:36 pm #20855
Seems like everyone here is having similar issues and similar to myself in a single mum to 9 year old and due to have a baby in April.
Putting your kids first all the time means when they are in bed then suddenly the loneliness hits you. I’m lucky to have some good friends that are always there for me but would love to make some new friends too, it’s always good to have people to chat to, esp who understand how hard it can get.
Agree with the school mum’s situation, I feel like I get looked down on because I work full time and rarely make the school run. It’s not because I don’t care, quite the opposite in fact!
I’ve found walking to be a great way to get out but also relaxing it really helps me11 February 2019 at 10:26 am #20906
Hi all, Justine the moderator here.
This online community can be a fantastic way of making connections with other parents to share experiences and generally support each other. Gingerbread have over 100 peer support groups running across England and Wales. These groups are run by single parent volunteers and are a great way of socialising with other parents in your area. Please go to https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/community/single-parent-groups/groups/
If there is not a group in your area why not set one up yourself. I will be happy to support you to do this. Register an interest online and I will help you with the rest.
Have a good day everyone and happy chatting.
Justine11 February 2019 at 9:12 pm #20926
I am new here. I am shocked and surprised to read you all as I am a single mum but i am not from Europe, but from Argentina. I struggle to make new friends here but I was sure it was related to the barrier of language and the fact I am not British. But I see you feel same way. My baby is 3 years old. It seems like he s the youngest here between our children.
I come from a culture in which is much easier to meet people, spontaneity is one of our biggest characteristics. Here life is much more busy and all need to be scheduled and sometimes it even does not work. I am no saying better or worse, it is different and I am surprised to see how many people feel alone as I feel myself. I am just separated recently after a big chaos but building our new lives now.11 February 2019 at 11:13 pm #20930
hey there Dadoftwo….your post was the first i read after becoming a member and it is just how i am feeling, but in a slightly different way. for reasons i wont bore you with i find myself denied access to my daughter who is only just past 1 yr of age…..and i am heartbroken, i never knew you could miss something so much….although i have a few people i can call, none are where i am..so i became a member to seek those out that might be. the nuts n bolts of our personal circumstances will obviously be different….but the upshot is that there is going to be lots of children without both parents with them…..so i will hopefully be able to communicate with you at what is for me, and reads like for you a really difficult time.
Darren11 February 2019 at 11:29 pm #20931
im gonna add another post here…..i found myself here seeking fellow Dads who are feeling similar to me…mistakenly thinking that it is only men who feel completely isolated and lonely when a relationship ends. to my surprise, i find myself reading posts from both genders saying the same stuff. I have had this burning sense of “male injustice” building for a while now….to the credit of gingerbread i suppose, i am questioning that tonight. if anyone who has posted wants to reply, then i will respond….because i also need some friends.
i hope you can see my pic….that is Poppet, my beautiful baby