I need some friends

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This topic contains 46 replies, has 24 voices, and was last updated by  GirlFriday 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 47 total)
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  • #20490 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Hi everyone,  i’m new to all this, I don’t really use social media and I’ve never used an online forum before, so please bear with me.

    I am in the process of separation after 15 years of marriage and 22 incredible years of being together. She now says that she no longer has those feelings for me and doesn’t see a future together. I am devastated. We have 2 children aged 10 and 12 who don’t know yet, and I fear for them. I also fear for my wife who I still love deeply.

    We moved to Evesham 3 years ago, and with busy lives I have realised that I don’t have any friends here. I am not very outgoing and struggle to meet new people. I guess it’s time to get over that. I’d love some new people to talk to, who understand what i’m going through. I am becoming very lonely. My wife has not yet moved out, but she is distant and we no longer talk like we used to. I miss her terribly, and she’s not even gone yet. I don’t know how i’ll cope when she does.

    If anyone would like to talk to me I would be grateful. If anyone has any advice on how to cope, please tell me, and if anyone has any advice on how to meet new people, I would love to hear it. I am in a very dark place right now. Sorry to ramble.

    #20493 Report

    Harry Potter
    Participant

    Evesham Dad, good morning.

    I am a dad of 3 children ages 16, 4 and 6. The youngest two I see about 50% of the time. It’s only been since August that the ex and children moved out, we went through the divorce living in the same house, that was challenging so I have some empathy for where you’re at. I also only have a small social group, so have relied on a few good friends to support me emotionally over the last 12-18 months. I’m not particularly outgoing so play dates for the kids don’t massively appeal to me unless it’s within my own friends group (unfortunately the frostiness of the school playground doesn’t inspire me to interact, despite my wife’s affairs being the cause of where I find myself now)

    Whilst the playground mums rally round each other there is little support for a single dad, probably because our role has been work not childcare and we are out of the social loop as a result.

    I guess what I’m saying is I understand where you’re at and the feelings that come with the situation.

    I’m only 40 miles from Evesham so happy to be in contact and support you during your difficult time.

    #20495 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Thanks for replying Harry, and i’m very sorry to hear about your own situation. For a while I was doing the school run, and I know exactly what you mean about the school mums. A lot of the time, people who would openly chat to my wife would pretty much ignore me, like I was invisible. Unless we’re sport mad, it’s very difficult for us men to meet people and form a social group. I must learn to step out of my comfort zone.

    #20496 Report

    Harry Potter
    Participant

    The neighbour across the road who I’ve known 5 years blanks me in the school playground. It doesn’t bother me other than people taking views on little or no information as to what or why.

    But to be honest judgmental people are not the most uplifting to be around, so I don’t let it bother me.

    Unfortunately as my ex has insisted on changing our childcare plans, I now have to do 4 instead of 2 school runs. Teflon jacket has been ordered!

    #20498 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi, as a Mum of a 14 year old (& 19 but she doesn’t live with me) I also find it hard to meet people as I don’t get to meet people at school and since my separation am working 5 days instead of 4 when I used to see my friends, its the evenings and weekends I find the hardest.. My DD was on a sleepover last night and it sounds like she is still lolling in bed there so won’t be back til later.  I have been out for a swim which helps and I try and keep myself busy with housework but with an impending move it doesn’t feel like home anymore!  I have read about the meet up app (its for hobbies not dating!!) and I have d/loaded it but have yet to take the plunge to actually try any of the activities.

    As for coping I am not sure how I am doing it after 23 years of being a pair I didn’t choose to be single again, my friends tell me I am doing well but am sure when moving day comes it will be a whole other story!

    Evesham is a beautiful place to live (I am South Leics) so have driven through a few times, are there any local walking groups, pub meet ups that sort of thing which may help – Here’s me giving advice when I haven’t got the bottle to do myself 🙂

    #20500 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    Had to respond to this as playground mums are my worst nightmare, I am a mum and never been part of the ‘in gang’ having had to work full time until last year. Don’t know what genuine support they would really give to be honest though? I am shy and suffer social anxiety but I would recommend finding something that interests you and see if there is anything local you can go to? I did c25k last year and now go to the next level group (even if I am always at the back 😆) i am finding making myself go each week is making he have to talk to others and hope its something I keep up therefore maybe developing friendships. I am also looking at a class to go to, anything that gets me out really and see where it all leads..could even be something as simple as a book club or similar? Our local library often has events on for kids where you could chat to fellow parents whilst there for example?

    #20502 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Thank you all very much for your replies. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that has trouble meeting people. I will check out the meet up app. That sounds like a good start, and I had not considered the library. Maybe it’s time to join a club.

    #20503 Report

    Lynseylou
    Participant

    Hi sorry your going through this ,, it’s a very similar situation to myself having been with my husband for 23 years ( 13 married) he now says the same as your wife ,, I too am looking to make friends and I’m happy to chat on here

    #20504 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    I can’t believe how many people out there are in the same boat it’s scary really, especially when it feels like you are the only one, all of my friends are in pairs..

    #20515 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Hi there, thanks for sharing this.

    I was in a similar situation, with the added insult to injury of being told after 6 years of marriage that even before the marriage she had doubts, and was hoping that there wedding would bring us together, and subsequently a child, but it didn’t, all of which was news to me and I was completely devastated.

    Three years later I’m in a better place having gone through anger, anguish, confusion depression and all the associated usual things… I’d say from your message you’re still in shock, especially when after this you put so much focus on your wife.  As much as it sounds ridiculous to you at the moment (as it did to me when I was in those early stages when people told me the same), what you have to do now is be selfish (as in look after yourself kind of way). Your kids must be your main priority, but after them it’s you… it has to be.  Your partner has said where she is, but unless you are planning to try a reconciliation and both work through this together to try to resolve things, then her decision is made and now it’s time to look after yourself.

    You are definitely going to need friends to get you through this, I can’t stress that enough and it’s going to be a roller coaster – but you will get there in the end… it’s just going to be a long journey but the only way out is through and once you’re there you are going to feel so much better than you are now.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Try your best to keep arrangements amicable if possible for the kids sake, it really makes a huge difference to arrangements and everything else – but let her look after herself.  She’ll not have taken this decision lightly nor without thinking of consequence if it is beyond reconcile.  You need to get yourself stable now and in a position where you are strong.  It’s said that you can’t look after others until you look after yourself, and to be honest there is a lot of truth in this.  If you’re in a low place there is no shame in asking for help and people will respect you for it not think less of you.

    In terms of friendships you’d be surprised sometimes how many old friends you haven’t seen in years are pleased to hear from you when you re-connect even if they have been distant due to busy lives etc.  So this is something that is worth remembering, sometimes just a friendly voice on the other end of a phone can make a huge difference when you’re going through hell.

    The advice of meeting new people especially as an introvert I’d say is to find common interests.  The number of things I found I had given up or distanced myself from after being in the relationship shocked me….as I had become a shadow of my former self so to speak.  Re-kindling those interests and figuring out who you are again is part of the journey to look forward to.  Immerse yourself in your interests and especially those of your kids.  You’ll be surprised at the amount of new people you meet purely that way.

    This is the first day I’ve joined this forum and I haven’t spoken to anyone one to one yet but I must say I think you’ve come to a good place looking at some of the messages on here and the replies.  It seems to be quite a caring community and something I could have done with in the early stages of my separation.

     

    #20537 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Thank you all. It’s comforting to know that I am not the only one struggling to meet people. Some great advice here, and I have started to act on it already, contacting clubs and looking into meet up.

    #20540 Report

    K8T
    Participant

    Good evening.  I’m happy to chat and I used to live near Evesham and worked there. I have family still there and don’t live far away.  I turned 40 and my life changed for the worse and for the best and I’m now a first time single mum. My situation is very complicated and far to indepth to trouble you with but just focus on you and take one day at a time and things will start to fall back into place.  There is no quick fix but look forward to the future and not backwards into the past. We can’t change the past but we have control of the future.  Stay in touch.

    #20684 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Thank you K8T. I try not to look back at the past but it’s so difficult not to. I can’t really see a future. People tell me I am strong, but I don’t feel it. I am barely able to function each day. I feel bad saying this, because there must be lots of people in the same situation on this forum. I wish I could toughen up and get a grip but I keep sliding back into terrible sadness. You are quite right, I need to take it one day at a time, but each day is so tough.

    #20686 Report

    Harry Potter
    Participant

    Dadoftwo

    Happy to support you if I can. Been there and coming out the other side, but there aren’t always a lot of listening ears and unless you’ve been through this then its hard for people to give the support needed.

     

    #20695 Report

    KimO
    Participant

    Hey,

    I’m a single mum to a 7 year old and I really struggle to meet new people and I always find it difficult to form friendships with other parents. I work full time and I’m the youngest parent at 29,  I don’t think school parents think I’m on their level which is sad because I feel like my daughter misses out on a lot… there just seems to be a barrier but maybe it’s me and I don’t know it. Anyway, I did join this site called meet up, you just enter in your interests and it finds groups for you, it’s great for meeting people from your area.

    Hope this helps and you make many true friends.

    Kim

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