I need help … being hit accidentally
30 November 2021 at 9:28 am #63343
I really need help because I’m either losing perspective or can’t see the wood for the trees…
I’ll leave the detail of our relationship out suffice to say that I left my wife several years ago and have a new partner.
About two years ago we were arguing in bed facing each other (naked) … no one was being physical and then she hit me. In the nether regions … closed hand. I couldn’t believe it. The pain and the feeling of hurt (emotional) was awful. It troubled me (and still does). She swore it was an accident and that she was just gesticulating/flouncing/etc and that there was no intent to hit.
The next night we argued downstairs about something diff and it was dragging on and on (I play my part in this I know … I can be like a dog with a bone sometimes) and we were sat next to each other on the sofa side by side … the argument was peaking and she hit me again in the same place. Closed hand. It was harder this time and hurt so much I ran to another room and hit something so hard I broke my hand. My finger was clean in half and I spent months doing rehab after the cast came off. Work was hard. Doing stuff with kids was hard. Lying about how I did it was hard. She swore that she hadn’t hit me and had just lashed out in anger.
This was two years ago and yes that is a long time but the event and her view on “not doing it/not intending to hit me” permeates into my thoughts … we argue about other stuff and she is now “controlled” but it feels like I can’t let it go. I’ve spoken to a helpline and since then asked her to clarify/admit etc and she has now said “well yes I did do it, and I’m sorry that it caused you [me] pain, but I didn’t hit you. I didn’t try to”
This has left me feeling lost and alone, hating myself, I have a simmering anger about most things and don’t feel great (simply put). I feel that I may be depressed. I sometimes just cry in the car on my own or after drop offs or school runs … I go through all of my decisions and moments and they all hurt.
She really wants to work at it but I feel so conflicted.
if anyone has any experience in this I’d love to hear …30 November 2021 at 10:42 am #63345
My Ex has a knack towards violence at times. Usually it happens when things don’t go her way. She then becomes very abusive and sometimes things get physical. She is unable to apologize because in her view, it isn’t her fault. Unfortunately, this isn’t helped by the wider society, as violence against men is not much seen as a problem. Once she was hitting and kicking me in front of police and I was detained. So much for public perception. I have given up on pursuing any kind of redemption. We had an incident at school last month, where she became very aggressive and was starting to make advances towards me in front of three staff members. I was taken from the room, not her. In the end, they made her apologize to our son, but her aggressive behaviour towards me wasn’t mentioned. Of course the decision was made in my favour, but acknowledging her violence was a step too much to expect. This of course plays into the hand of the ” it is not my fault” argument and leaves a bitter taste. My advice would be, just try to avoid any close contact to her, have people around when you meet her and remember, life isn’t just, and often we don’t get what we want. It isn’t worth victimizing yourself, just to get an apology. Violence is wrong, no matter what. You don’t have to prove that. Not even to yourself. You know it. So, best let go.30 November 2021 at 11:31 am #63350
Hi @DadCantThinkOfAName, I’m a moderator and am sorry to read what you are struggling with. Please look out for a private message from me with ideas for support. Best wishes.2 December 2021 at 10:44 pm #63524
Sorry I wasn’t 100% clear, you are talking about your current partner?
My ex was violent towards me. Super apologetic immediately afterwards, but then as weeks, months and years passed his truth changed completely in order to increasingly gaslight me about what had really happened. Once we went to counselling, he stopped hurting me, but instead would “accidentally” hurt our child.
The psychological damage was worse than the bruises. Sounds like the same might be true for you.
I’ve since learned why relationship counselling is not considered suitable for domestic abuse situations: not because you can’t safely sit in a room talking for an hour, but because it is built on the premise of collective (equal) responsibility for the relationship. Once some has crossed one into violence, relationship counselling can be like the victim taking 50% responsibility for their own abuse. A pretty messed up foundation for a relationship. Wish I had understood this sooner. Solo counselling (which can’t be hijacked for further gaslighting) would have been more appropriate.
I found that after being single for a while, I regained some confidence and sense of self which the relationship has sapped out of me. Maybe you would too?
Wishing you well.3 December 2021 at 5:27 pm #63548
Was there other things at play other than the incident where she hit you, out of anger, purposefully or a lash out?
Had the relationship been bad for a while?
Sometimes when we feel abused, which in your case assault, in what is such a delicate area to be hurt in, is violence, a one off our not, there’s no getting around it we become bonded to the person through the trauma of our experience, which causes conflicting feelings. You open this with hit accidently. You can’t hit accidently twice on different days.
You need to know, you need to feel loved by them, you deserve better. It’s a complicated process. The I didn’t do it on purpose and pursuasion mean that she doesn’t take much responsibility for her actions and is playing it down. Again you deserve better.