I need help!!!

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sherima 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #25505 Report

    Ele_353
    Participant

    I have been lying awake for the past 3 hours feeling hopeless and like a crap mum.

    People say it gets easier but I am really really struggling being a single parent.  I don’t have any family or friends to help me out due to my work commitments to the Army  and a lack of time to do any self love or care.

    I am extremely burnt out!! My days consists of:

    *I wake every day at 0630 for the morning routine with my DS aged 2 (if not earlier when on duties for work)

    *I am normally out the house for 0730 to do an hour long round trip to nursery as it’s the only one that runs through term holidays near me.

    *I work 0830-1730, complete another hour long round nursery run, do the evening routine and finally at 20:30 I can think about feeding myself.

    Shortly followed by the whole process again 5 days a week.

    when I was with my ex I adored my baby boy and have never felt a love so strong. I’d literally be obsessed about him. However my DS has recently turned into a terrible 2, it’s been a year since I became single and work is busier than usual.

    I caught myself the other day losing my head with my DS and I am currently lying awake analysing my life, realised that my heart feels completely dead and that I am just a zombie mum who repeats Groundhog Day again and again. I HATE IT!

    I am petrified that because of my commitments to my career and extreme lack of support that I have lost that beautiful bond I used to have with my son.

    I am literally crying right now writing this.  I haven’t  got a clue what to do as I have spoken to work on many occasions for help (normally when I break down with stress or they try to restrict me even further from being with my DS) and they tell me that nothing can be done unless I leave? Plus family live hundreds of miles away and my ex doesn’t want to know his son. (I have spent the last year fighting for him to make an effort to see DS ever other weekend at least)

    When I eventually get a break to myself once every 2 weeks I am so exhausted that I sleep and when I am not sleeping I try to restore the house to something that sort of looks like a home again.

    I am fully aware that I need to do a lot of self love and care in this precious time (I used to, 6 months ago but repeating this monotonous joyless life with a child that is completely relentless and exhausting makes it so hard especially with no friends or support)

    whats ever more concerning is that I am turning into a horrible mum, I have thoughts of giving him up and that thoughts destroys me.  All I do is shout and lose my temper and I hate it!  I don’t get much time with him due to work and I want to love my DS like I used to but it’s impossible when you’re so alone and burnt out and don’t know what to do anymore.

    Believe it or not I am not depressed just extremely exhausted. I am reaching out for help as I am lost in how to make this better.  I don’t want my situation to deteriorate and I don’t want to be horrible to my son anymore. I am desperate to get that love back so if any of you have any ideas I would greatly appreciate it!

    #25506 Report

    GAM19187
    Participant

    Hi Ele_353,

    First of all, don’t beat yourself up. You are doing an incredible difficult and exhausting job. Well done for to keep on going. The fact that you are worrying about everything shows that you are a good mum. You-are-a-good-mum. Repeat💕

    I can totally relate to your story as when I became single mum my boys were 11months and 2.5yo. Terrible 2s were awful on my first son. It will pass before you realise. The shouting only comes from exhaustion. If you can read books/websites for tips in terrible 2s, they can help. The best book I read was “How to talk to children so they listen, and how to listen  so children  talk” miracle book.

    About nursery, have you thought about having a au pair/nanny living in/out instead? I found the girl that saved my life through http://www.childcare.co.uk.

    Also, the house. In my to-do list the house comes the very last. I do the dishes, wash clothes and I have set a reward chart for my boys to clean their bedroom. The rest is an absolute tip, but that’s all I can do for now. I have asked for a cleaner once a month for the heavy cleaning and that all the attention the house gets for now.

    Can you take holidays/a break? It may be good to visit your family if they are supportive and recharge batteries. Any neighbour/ friend that can keep your son just a few hours?

    G.

    #25508 Report

    Sherima
    Participant

    So sorry to read what you wrote and you are not alone with how you feel as this is what most single working people go though who have no help.

    I only work 3 days and I’m cleaning and catchng up too as I don’t have family to help. On days off I have some me time, shop or try to catch up with people

    What I have done is have a few people and a nanny who help me to care for my child so I can go out occasionally and have some down time . Obviously I do pay them and every month a cleaner comes over and does some cleaning . It can be expensive but I’m.quite happy to go without so I get some free time to.myself as it will  you make you feel resented are you able to take some annual leave ? Is. There anyone at the nursery who could come and help out? The people who help out worked at daughters old nursery so they would have had their crb checks. Take care and don’t be sad it will work out ok for you both

    #25509 Report

    Sherima
    Participant

    Sorry me again. Are you able to reduce your hours or condense to 4 days?  It got worse for me when my daughter started school as our nanny caught pneumonia and I had no help for 9 weeks which affected my job . I had to take annual leave to meet the school bus when they dropped daughter home .

    #25512 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Great advice above.

    My suggestions: (some similar )

    • Look at childminders or audio pairs if no alternative nurseries. Often hospitals have nurseries near them…. alternatively once three more places closer to you may take him.
    • Apply for flexible working. Even the army have a duty to consider it! https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/flexible-engagements-system-what-you-need-to-know/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-flexible-engagements-system you may find if for example you reduced your week to say 4 days that this gives you a better balance.  I work three days and one day as a trustee. That’s my absolute maximum for managing everything.  Changing the balance may help.
    • Review how you do things. Eg batch cooking means you can free good quality oodles that won’t take long to reheat.  Invest in a dishwasher to speed things up. Perhaps look to getting a cleaner so that you’re making the most of the time you have.
    • Plan something nice for you and little un each weekend. Even if tslktalk just walking to and around the park.
    • Though I see you want the down time for baby to go with dad, this in itself is a stress. So stop pushing for the relationship.  If he stops contact then so be it. If necessary then you pay for a babysitter for a few hours if you want time out. But trying to manage an ex is not an added stress that’s your responsibility.  If you are not burdened with it things should be more positive.

     

    Hope that helps.

    #25513 Report

    Sherima
    Participant

    The first nursery was near my sister which was an hour away made me physically sick. My sister told me she would help pick up but only did it once when I had to be reinterviwed for job and battling norovirus   I then found a nursery £35 cheaper a day and was 5 minutes down the road. Personally if it was me doing those hours I would take him to local child minder.

    Could you take some leave and send him to nursery to get some rest . I did it for 1 week and it was the best decision

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