I need advice around child arrangements

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  • #12119 Report

    SCmum
    Participant

    Hi

    Im looking for some help on how to deal with child arrangements for my child. I separated from their dad two years ago and absolutely want my ex to have contact with his child. I’ve had concerns over the last two years as my ex has been a bit inconsistent with seeing their child so I addressed that, been telling lies over silly things or half truths and not really thinking about their child so I tried to address those.

    if I do bring anything up it turns into I’m attacking them or they can’t do anything right and I’m just doing this to get at them.

    A couple of weeks ago my child started to say some things which concerned me about sleeping arrangements when at their dads. I’ve thought about how to approach this and tonight I’ve brought it up but been told my child is lying. The thing is I 100% believe my child, not in a naive way but because theyve repeated the same thing a couple of times. I understand children get confused but I believe what my child is telling me and the fact that my ex got annoyed straight away and then said my child is lying, kind of made me believe my child more.  My ex wants to ask my child why they are lying which I’m absolutely against, I don’t want my child to think 1. They aren’t safe to say things 2. Feel pressured or that they’ve done anything wrong.

    Ive talked to my child tonight and said they can tell me anything and if they have got confused or made a mistake about anything then they can tell me nobody would be annoyed and they wouldn’t be in any trouble. I asked about what they told me and they said exactly the same thing which makes me believe them.

    My dilemma is I want my child to visit their father but I’m becoming increasingly concerned about them staying over. I don’t want to stop access but I also don’t want what my child has said has happened to continue and I’m really concerned about the fact that his dad is immediately getting annoyed and saying he’s lying. That when their dad is due to have them this weekend they will ask why they are lying- I don’t think they should talk to them about it at all.

     

    Any advice of what to do?

    #12120 Report

    Elle
    Participant

    Hi. I think I would arrange day time only visits for now and tell your ex that your Son is unsettled so it’s best for him to stay in his own home each night for consistency. It sounds like a difficult situation. I wish you all the best.

    #12214 Report

    SCmum
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies. I’m still maintaining contact and will continue to do so as my child wants to see their dad. All weekends agreed will continue but without them staying overnight.

    The issue with overnight is I had been told certain sleeping arrangements had been put in place and this isn’t true, I had already raised concerns and been told that appropriate measures would be taken. I therefore accepted that and he’s stayed overnight. I’ve since found out that hasn’t been the case. Added to that I’ve then found out he’s been put in bed with his dad and new partner to sleep. This isn’t appropriate.

    as I say I don’t intend to stop contact, that’s not healthy for my child. I’ve asked his dad to go to mediation, I asked last summer got the certificate to say we’re were going and then he said he didn’t want to go. I’ve made contact again with mediation to set it up and dad is refusing.

    As for my child lying, I’ve explained to him that if he’s got confused or made a mistake that’s ok he can say it that nobody would be annoyed. I understand children sometimes can get mixed up so I didn’t want him to feel he couldn’t say anything different if he had. He told me exactly the same. The first time he mentioned it it was just in a conversation he was having about being with his dad that weekend, he always comes home and tells me the fun things they’ve done which I actually think is lovely, he just made a comment about it. I don’t agree in quizzing children so I just carried on with the conversation (but a bit concerned), I did ask him again a few days later just to make sure he hadn’t got confused and he repeated exactly the same. I believe him.

    i absolutely want the relationship we have re him confiding in me to continue, I’ve always told that no matter what he can tell mummy and daddy anything. I want him to feel safe in that. Which is one readon I didn’t want his dad to confront him and say he’s lying he’s chosen to tell me something and I have to raise the concerns with his dad with no consequences.

    His dad has a tendency to be dishonest, hide things, half truths and lies and they’ve all come out over the last couple of years but I didn’t think he would do this after I expressly had a conversation with him about being honest so we can co parent well. His response when I mentioned it was aggressive and to continue to say my child is lying.

    im hoping that mediation can take place and if right full appropriate overnight contact can resume. I’ve taken some advice and he’s been to continue with requesting mediation but to stop overnights. In the meantime there is nothing going to be imposed ie stopping contact, telling him where he can see him etc, I just need to make sure my child is safe and ok.

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