I need a break, feeling lost and stuck in a cycle.

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  • #54165 Report

    Sal21music
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    This is my first time posting on here and reading from other posts I know I am not alone.

    Since I became a single parent I have been balancing what feels like everything kids (6 &12 years), self employment and just life.

    During the pandemic my world was turned upside down when my mum was diagnosed with Cancer in July 2020. My Parents are my everything and have supported me throughout the whole ordeal of my ex, they support and help me with my kids.

    Although they are my support bubble I had to stop my events business as my parents would often look after my girls on the weekends . With my mum having chemo and needing to be fully protective from mixing too much they couldn’t go their house.

    This meant I never get a little break and my kids have become so clingy. I just feel I can’t breathe at times and just want to have a break away on my own.

    Their Dad doesn’t make any effort to see them or pay for their basic needs.

    I am just feeling I have lost my sense of who I am and my kids rely on me so much. My eldest is now having emotional behaviour problems which can be really challenging at times.

    Sorry if this is long, I feel it is safer her to ask for advice and tips.

    How do you deal with this on a daily basis?

    #54166 Report

    Nope2021
    Participant

    Hey, so you’ve got a lot on your plate at the moment … feeling lost and wanting a bit of breathing room is completely normal under normal circumstances with kids – throw in a pandemic and all that that has meant (and still means) – and it’s a goddam miracle any of us are still sane!

    Maybe first it might help to understand that your kids being super clingy and acting out emotionally / behaviourally is understandable within your context. It’s no reflection on you or them – but on your situation right now. The emphasis being on “right now”. Everything changes. Even things that seem set in stone. So there will be an end to them being clingy and given support, your eldest can work through what’s going on with them.

    The emotional/behavioural problems could be addressed via their school if they have an Educational psychologist, or a GP referral to CAMHS is an option (be prepared for long waiting times). In the meantime; talk openly and honestly with your eldest about how they’re feeling and try to find out if something specific is bothering them (there isn’t always a specific thing though). Help them feel confident that they can talk to you; that you won’t shout or judge or laugh or do anything other than sit with them and listen – or whatever it is they’d be comfortable with you doing. If you do go for a referral via school or GP, you must have this conversation with your eldest FIRST. They have to be open to engage otherwise it won’t work.

    Last – but most importantly – take some time out for yourself. Self care is so important right now. For me that can be taking an extra long shower (baths work for some), sitting quietly with a cup of tea doing absolutely nothing, meditation or doing a workout (HIIT takes 15 mins). You might want to plan a time when you can go sit outside with a coffee by yourself or meet up with a friend or find a spot to sit an read that trashy novel you’d normally take on your hols with you … literally anything that is just for YOU. Doing one bit of self care every single day, can really help… because it’s you telling yourself that you matter too. To nick L’Oreal – you’re worth it. It’s a strong message to send yourself when you’re doing this all solo.
    You are not alone. It is a struggle, and some days will be better than others… but you will make it through.

    #54187 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Ha.Hi.Hm.

    Been there done that.Eventually you get so worn down you think you’re gna crack or collapse or die.Well anyway I did.                         It can all get far too much.A lot of people don’t like this idea but what saved Me, was going to a therapist once a week so sort things out in my head,remind me i’m just one person and make me realise I had far too many problems to deal with.Somehow when someone said that to my face it became easier to bear and I could decide what I was going to deal with,what I would drop and what could wait for another time.(He happened to be an ex army officer as well so I kind of felt like ide better pay attention😉) He also explained how I felt like I was going mad,was normal given the situation.All in all it was very reassuring.Ruminating over and over privately in our heads makes things worse,helps if you have s1 to talk to even if they can’t fix things! I hope something gets better soon for you,💗

    #54228 Report

    Sal21music
    Participant

    Honesty can’t say thank you enough for your replies to my thread. I did have a little cry as I was reading your helpful reminders to just take time out.

    One thing I have been really doing over the past month is getting back into my fitness  journey ,morning meditation, cardio, strength and toning workouts. Home workouts when the kids are at school seems to be my sweet spot at the moment before I go to my mums.

     

    I had previously had counselling sessions, I will refer myself again, someone to talk to who isn’t family did help. My head just feels likes its going to burst at the moment with the amount of things going on in my mind.

    Thanks again, its appreciated.

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