I just don’t know what to do, pregnant to my toxic ex

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  • #45109 Report

    bellab
    Participant

    Hey guys,

    I’m totally new to this and never even used a forum before so not sure how this works.

    I am going to be 31 soon. I have been on and off with an ex for 5 years. It is a very toxic relationship. Many of my friends have called him a narcissist and say I have a trauma bond to him. I have tried to cut him out my life several times but always fall back into his web. And recently found out I am pregnant. (about 5 weeks)

    I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of having a child with a Father like him. But I also do not know if I can through with an abortion (had one previously). He does know I am pregnant and is delighted, wants joint custody which I would not want.

    I guess I’m wondering how much rights this guy would have? I don’t mind him being involved to a certain degree but joint custody?! No way.

    I am also worried about doing this alone. He has said he will be there 100%  but I don’t know if I believe it. He lies so much I think he even believes his own lies. He does not have a stable income so I doubt he would help financially. I work full time at the moment but don’t know how I would manage work and childcare after maternity leave is over.

    I know nobody can make this decision for me. My mum is devastated and thinks abortion is the only option. I am very close to her and respect her thoughts but that was really hard to hear. Some of my friends think I would manage alone, some friends think I am crazy even considering keeping this guys baby.

    Anyone been in a similar situation? Or had a child to a narcissistic father/mother? I just need some advice please.

    #45112 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hi hope you are well

    Congratulations on your pregnancy first of all. I will tell you a bit about my story and hope in parts can relate

    So i was seeing someone just casually he did have a girlfriend but yano when you meet somekne and its fun so thats what happened. Then I fell pregnant and I freaked out i told him and he denied being the father told me i was with all kinds and he wasnt interested at all even if it was

    So i cried and went through it with my Mum who i still lived with. I was 27 and i worried about everything would i cope

    So now my son is 3 and we have moved twice so been hectic to say least. We now been in our rented house nearly 2 years so thats a good settled part. I have had ups and downs and lot of downs. Ive also been with a similar person a narcissist and he doesnt change but i go back for more its horrible and doesnt help

    My sons father never been involved through his choice and i dont want him to although my down days u wish he was thete to help and support. I now have the virus so im isolating till next Wednesday with my son its really crushed me and thrown my mental health into overdrive

    I considered abortion as didnt knowhow would feel about my child being from someon3 who was so horrible and not interested but I couldnt do it and although it is tough i have a wonderful little boy and not one ounce of regret about it

    He keeps me going and i am a Mum no other job in the world is as important. So i hope you are ok and you can take the time to decide what is best for you…dont worry about anyone else even your Mum as its your choice and people should support you in any way

    You will cope you will find answers to all the questions and we all adapt. I changed my hours from full time and training to be supervisor to back to 16 sales assistant. I have also had to change childcare a few times and nursery days and pay fees and claim back and change work…it all sorts itself out and you gain a routine and pattern that suits you

    Message me anytime

    #45135 Report

    Sonzie2
    Participant

    Hi

    I’m so sorry you are going through this – such an awful decision to make 💔 .  Ill give you my experience with a extremely toxic ex who I share a child with.  It is extremely difficult having to remain in  contact with someone who is so toxic.  He has now cut off finance support as he still tries to control my life and everything I do with my son.  Everything is a problem and an issue.  I adore my son but there is a drain being in contact with his father and I know to some degrees I will have years of this to get through.  When I initially became pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion – that went on for the first few months.  My sister was advising me to abort but my mum was telling me she didn’t think I would be able to live with the consequences.  After really thinking about it I decided maybe abortion was the best option and told him.  He immediately switched and called me awful names and said I was inhumane as a mother to make that decision.  This was a pattern always switching trying to control.  I decided to go through with pregnancy and we ended up separating when child was 8 months.  Its been a long hard struggle working full time and looking after my son.  Will you have childcare help from family ? Nursery fees are around £1000 a month for a 1 year old depending where u live.  Im lucky that I have my mum look after my son a lot and just pay 2 days a week.  As far as custody ill be honest with you if he wants 50/50 custody he cld apply for that- if he’s as unreliable as you say he probably won’t do that.  It really hard work looking after a baby alone – do u really think you ex wld be up for the job he will probably change his mind about joint custody.  Just ask yourself can u do this alone – will you have support to still work and can u accept that that man will be in your life – fathering your child- until its 16… its a very hard decision for anyone to make and you must really think about the emotional and financial implications.  I wish you the best and hope you can make the best decision for you xx

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