I have an 8 year old and also pregnant and my partner has just left me.
23 December 2020 at 3:33 am #47219
Hi I have an 8 year old son and also currently pregnant. My partner has recently told me he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want the baby therefore the relationship is over. He is saying he wants to see my 8 year old daily however I am struggling to agree with it as I still have feelings for him and also want to get my child into that different routine now his dad will not be living with us. I also feel like a single mum of 2 children is going to be so lonely and I will never find love again. Does anyone have any advice or have been in a similar situation.23 December 2020 at 8:14 am #47220
Hi , Unless there are no issues an ex partner seeing his 8 year son is rightly not realistic longterm. You arent trying to stop contact, but understandably want set dates and times i assume. A good idea if you struggle to see your partner is to minimise how much you see him. He could pick up son from school for contact 1 day during week and drop off to school in morning and say have 1 night at weekend or have your son every other weekend .
With xmas period it may be so 8 year old son doesnt get upset perhaps dont have the dreaded conversation about this in my opinion until after xmas day /boxing day.
I remember when i first split up many years ago with my ex partner around xmas that i went round xmas day and then had set times and days after this23 December 2020 at 8:15 am #47221
Hey, I left my partner nearly 2 years ago with a 1 and 3 year old. It was ROUGH but once there was light at the end of the tunnel I started to feel so much happier. It is confusing in the beginning to figure out your own emotions and what’s best for your child in order to help them understand you are no longer together. Your child is 8 and has better understanding than mine did at that age so I would talk to him. I think if ex wants to come on a daily basis it needs to be figured into a routine. Same time every day, what is the purpose, help with homework, after school club or what. I would also suggest that he does this outside of the house with them at his own place if he has one?! If he isnt local, able to commit to a sensible time frame or not being reasonable then you have the ultimate say to say no thats to much. I am more concerned that the new baby will also be his child but doesn’t seem to be interested. You cannot have him around for one child and not the other. Your the primary parent, you deal with the fall out, you get the say. You will be alright, just stay strong.
I have a blog that I write as a single parent dealing with a breakup23 December 2020 at 8:23 am #47223
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this my heart absolutely goes out to you. The break of any relationship is tough as is the grieving process that follows. My child was not much younger than yours when my relationship broke down and I only have the one so I could only imagine what you must be going through!
I absolutely agree that your ex partner visiting everyday will be too much for you especially while it’s so fresh I also agree that your young one will need time to adjust to a new routine. None of us know what the future holds and while painful we have to be realistic, if the father at some point finds himself in a new relationship is visiting everyday still going to be something he can commit to? The likelihood is that he won’t and your child is of an age where he/she understands far more than we give them credit for and should contact in any way be affected by a new partnership that has the potential to cause very big issue in their relationship with dad, have you tried speaking to him about your feelings surrounding visitation? I do know of families who split and the parent who left saw his children daily, he picked them up from school spent a little time and dropped them home to mum and this worked for them. So while I agree with what you have said please do explore all options here if you can, you never know what may work you!
Your fears around being a single parent to 2 children are fully justified, it will be tough if course but it doesn’t have to be lonely. Do you have family and friends close by? You should always reach out to them, speak about your fears and concerns you may be pleasantly surprised by the responses! Communication really is the key here especially as you are pregnant and going through a break down in your relationship.
As for finding love… Love will always find you so please don’t let this be a focal point! I’m a very firm believer that what is meant for you will always be for you and when the time is right for you and your children it will happen for you. In the meantime you will never have to look far for love, you have a love like no other and that is the love of your child. As hard as it may seem you must allow yourself to heal entirely before contemplating future relationships, you must heal for both yourself, your child and your unborn. Your child who has (I’m assuming) had dad living with them all their young life will now be trying to adjust to dad not being in the home and this can be a bit of an emotional ride for them (my son has had his fair share of ups and downs over the years due to dad not being there, fears over dad’s relationship and dad being inconsistent) so your little one will need you to be a pillar of strength for them….
It will take time, like I said you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process that comes with relationship breakdowns but you must not let it get the better of you. There will soon be not just one but 2 pairs of eyes always on you and they will be learning from your actions/reactions with regards to how they handle their emotions in times of distress/hardship be it emotional or otherwise and these are lessons they will carry with them through their life’s and pass on to their children.
The best advice I could possibly give you is to find what works for you and your children, it can feel like a lonely road yes but you’re not alone. Reach out to people you trust in places you feel safe to do so in times of need, whatever the need may be. Write it down, document your journey and your feelings along the way if this helps (it does for me, it can be a great outlet) you can then always look back in times when you feel low and see for yourself just how far you have come! We are all guilty of comparing ourselves and our situations to those of others but we should never do this, we can downplay our own pain and our pain should never downplayed by anyone especially not by ourselves.
Always remember it’s ok not to be ok and those moments no matter how painful will pass and when they do pass you will always find you have developed new strengths! I know this may sound repetitive but it is a grieving process and in order to get through it you must go through it. And you will get through it. I don’t know if you’re religious or have spiritual beliefs but I also firmly believe that the higher powers (God if you prefer) will never lead you where the grace of those higher powers cannot keep you.
I hope that this makes sense to you and maybe even provides you with some reassurance that 1) You’re not alone, now or ever and 2) You WILL get through these troubled times and be much stronger on the other side!