I feel lost and confused

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  • #42752 Report

    Nilu2000
    Participant

    I have recently separated from my partner after 15 years of marriage and 3 children. He just walked out like it was any other day for him. I tried calling him literally begging him back because I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I don’t know how he can be so cruel, he said he left because of me and said I will have such a miserable life with my children and he will watch from the sidelines as I struggle. His last words for me were that I will never find happiness again and will struggle until my dying days and then even my children will abandoned me. His really left me confused and his words make me feel like I won’t be able to cope and I will never be happy again. Any advice on how I carry on from that? I want to make sure I can prove him wrong and raise my kids well and be positive and not look back. But I feel alone and scared, wondering how I will do this.

     

    #42758 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    Hi. I’ve been where you are now, together for 17 years, 3 children. He walked out one day never came back, this was 2 years ago. He’s obviously saying these things to hurt you. You can do this, you will cope and you can be a fantastic parent. Try and change the things in your life that you’re not happy about, make positive changes to yourself so that you feel better and more confident about yourself. It will be hard at first, maybe find a hobby or decorate or something that will keep you busy and take your mind off him. Make sure your children are happy, do your best for them. You will get through this and just because your life isn’t going the way that you had expected it doesn’t mean that the next chapter of your life can’t be incredible, it can x

    #42776 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi. So I took sole custody of our 3 young children as their mother didn’t want them anymore.
    We were married for 23 years. That was just under three years ago. At the beginning I was scared frustrated and angry. However once I accepted the situation I was in a better place. A break down of a long term relationship is like a bereavement it takes time to get use to it. You have to stay strong for the little one’s. I know it is hard but believe you me it does get better. As for the remarks made towards you by their father just ignore them as much as possible. Their mother made similar remarks for a while. Now I pity her.
    It will get better.
    Take Care

    Peter.

    #42778 Report

    Clara
    Participant

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s been a few years for me but I am happy. I still have a few struggles to get through but I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago and I’m a lot more confident. You will get there. Just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and take it day by day and you’ll realise it was the best thing for all of you. Take care.

    #42789 Report

    Family Time
    Participant

    My husband left in January after already having an affair I forgave him for this time it’s another women and her children I feel heartbroken lost upset but I know these little girls need me , how nasty and vile to say those things , my estranged husband keeps calling the police he’s tried everything from haresment to controlling and coercive throughout the marriage and yesterday two police at my door because he feels the girls are not safe in my care , he’s not seen them since he left he’s to loved up playing happy families with her three it’s emotionally battering me I see no end in sight but we have to keep going for our children , here if you need to talk x

    #42791 Report

    Nilli2020
    Participant

    I wish this Covid was not around and I could meet other single parents and make some new friends and chat. When you’ve been in a long term relationship and it falls apart and you realise you just dedicated all those years to your marriage and kids only. You have literally lost who you were as a person. This pandemic makes everything 10x worse.

    #42825 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    It is four years now, almost on the dot, I was, where you are now. At first the horizont is the next few hours, than the next few days, then the next few weeks and then month. One day you will look back and say “s**t, I made it”. If you have one friend or family you can rely on, do it. Put the shame aside and take what you can get. You need it now and there will be better times when you can give back. I live 80 meters from the sea front now, our two boys live with me most of the time after seeing them once a week at the start. It will pass and whatever plans your ex has for you doesn’t really matter. It is you, who makes the decisions for your life. She kicked me out of our house with five pounds in my pocket and shouting and yelling abuse at me in front of our children because I had found out about her affair and she knew I would try to protect the children and not put up a fight in front of them. Her lover is long gone, so his successor, she is on number three now. I just bought a little convertible for me and the boys and my friend drove 260 miles to help us with the brakes. We are quite happy, the boys see their mother regularly and we get on fine. I have my fun from time to time and one day the right one will come. There is a time for everything. Now it is time for you to take whatever help you can get.

    #42831 Report

    Rich75
    Participant

    Hi Nilu2000,

     

    So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.  My ex wife left the country 3 years ago and has only seen her children once in that time.  Single parenting is tough, but not impossible.

    You asked what you need to do.

    Get a support structure around you, speak to people you know, family, friends.  These are the people that can help you manage, help you cope.  Open up the them.

    next, look at your life and ask yourself, can I continue to do what I am doing, ie job hours etc, whilst raising the three kids.  I could not and therefore the type of work I did had to change slightly.  The job now is not as enjoyable but it e bakes me to manage work and the kiddies lives.    So if the answer is no then you need to think about changing certain aspects so that you can manage.

    lastly, don’t panic.  Easier said than done I know, but thank things through methodically and calmly.  Chat aspects through with friends.

     

    hope this helps.

    Richard

    #42863 Report

    Nilli2020
    Participant

    Guys what you have said has really given me hope.
    I am finding it all scary and daunting as well, my confidence is down and I feel like I may not be able to do it. I feel like I need my mum, I’m scared that I will make mistakes with my 3 children . I have a few people around me but now I feel I’m draining them with the same repetitive issues over my ex. My children have literally lost their smile. Today my daughter thought she saw her dad and you should have seen the smile on her face but it wasn’t him.

    I can’t seem to get over what his done that I didn’t see it coming. I imagine him having a great life without me and the kids and it hurts. He has been so horrible and manipulative in the relationship but I really felt I was in it for the long run until he walked out. I really believed in the happily ever after especially after having children and all those promises he made.

    I really wanted to meet up with other single parents but because of Covid it’s impossible, I live in Central London and  would love a chat with another single  parent.
    Does it really get easier? How do you cope with the memories, because from my side the whole 15 years was not totally bad I have wonderful memories from my side anyway. I gave it my all into that marriage. But I need to move on.

     

    #42864 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    Hi. It honestly does get easier. You still have your memories but you can begin to make new memories for yourself and your children. I would recommend downloading the frolo app which can connect you with other single parents in your area, and there’s plenty in the London area! There’s plenty of advice, zoom chats and meet ups on there.

    #42868 Report

    Dorota
    Participant

    Hi there,

    it does get easier. My husband moved out in March just before the lockdown, after 15 years together. I think what i feel now is relief this farce is over. I have two boys, and live in East London. Happy to chat ! Drop me a line.

    #42870 Report

    I’m sorry to hear of your circumstance,what sort of a person says that 🙁 there are some mean people in the world but I hold hope that it will make us all stronger in the end and find the happiness we deserve I just feel a deep sadness for our children don’t deserve the heartache they put them through at least be honest and humane to them they are so innocent they don’t deserve the hurt but these people can’t Co parent it’s beyond their selfish needs and they can’t cope with the fact that the children come first.

    Try your best to not let this consume you, take each day as it comes, take yours and your children’s life in your hands now and do things perhaps you would nt have done before, things you’ve always wanted to do.

    Thinking of you x

    #42873 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    It is daunting and scary but not impossible to conquer. You will make mistakes with your children, as we all do, single or as couples but if you are honest with yourself you will find out fast enough to prevent the worst from happening, hopefully. Confidence will rise over time and you will just juggle with your imperfections as we all do, apart from my ex, who is perfect per se. The memories will stay with you and you will learn to cherish the good ones  and remember the bad ones, not to make the same mistakes again. All in all you will learn a lot, about yourself, the children and your ex. It is not at all all bad. It is not a war, if you don’t make one out of it. It is a separation of two adults, who now have to learn to raise their children uncoupled. A journey into the unknown and to make a joke where there probably shouldn’t be one, you will go, where no couple has gone before, because you will be single ( at least for a while ). All this will not help you in this very moment as you are at the beginning of a long path and can’t see far ahead. But there are thousands of people in the very same situation at this very moment, so it isn’t unique at all. What you make of it is your own way of dealing with this situation. And there you need to trust yourself and your parental instincts. I don’t say it will be fine. I say it is manageable and it can be good, for you, the children and your ex. And forget about those fantasies about his wonderful life. I promise you, this doesn’t help and they might not even be true. Imagine what a waste if he feels sh*t and you envy him.

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

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