I feel so dissatisfied at the moment and I just need to vent. After my divorce and separation I got myself sorted out, a good job, a good routine, and I was enjoying spending time with my kids. I was happy. I had no social life as I had no one to babysit (my mum’s babysitting goodwill was used up helping me out with childcare during school hols) but I didn’t mind. I actually looked forward to the latest kids film at the cinema, or dining at Pizza Hut on a Saturday night instead of some fancy restaurant. But my mum and others went on and on at me to find a new partner.
So, I online dated. Found a lovely man. He was romantic and, early on, my mum babysat and we had some very grown up romantic meals and adult conversation. I enjoyed it a lot. Then the babysitting dwindled off. He tried hard to fit into our family life, but it was difficult to maintain the relationship when we had no time alone together. The kids were struggling with the idea of a new strange man so to introduce another stranger babysitter would not have gone down well. Life was stressful and not fun. I had to end it.
Life is better without the extra stress of pleasing the man and my kids. But, now i’ve had a taste of those early fun dates, I miss them and haven’t been able to rekindle the happiness I had before he came along. I hate feeling this way. I wish I’d never dipped my toe into dating again. I’ve not been myself since and i’m worried I will never feel like my old self again.
it does feel good to write it down though
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