I don’t know why I’m here But a woman’s perspective would be nice

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  • #36210 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    I had a perfect relationship and marriage.

    I mean perfect!

    right after our wedding day my wife came off contraception and we got instantly pregnant.

    i never really wanted children but I loved her so much I was willing to give her everything, for the record it’s the best thing I ever did and now the only thing I have left. I don’t think I said much the first 3 days as I was in shock haha.

    Our relationship continued to be amazing all through pregnancy, we had excellent sexual chemistry as well love as all the same things and hated all the the same stuff, we thought other couples just didn’t love each other as much.

    my wife had a horrific 63 hour labour, I was worried about her going into it because she was a bit delicate in nature but we got there. Our boy is great at 19 months he makes me proud.

    a few weeks post birth my wife started crying at the beach for seemingly no reason but my family were there and they instantly reassured it was post natal or baby blues and she would be ok. She saw a dr and they put her on sertraline. Not long after this she became emotionless, unaffectionate, uncaring and had a look on her face like she was traumatised when nobody was looking.

    she always portrays a picture of perfection otherwise, looks great always laughing and joking, hyper focussed on events etc except in private.

     

    now begins the battle, I started working from home and she was out the door as fast as she could. She made excuses to never come home or delay it as long as possible started going out with her friends and new friends. Basically she was doing cocaine and going to raves atleast once a month. I found out and was not happy as we have a child and I loved her, in this time I found out she was messaging another guy, as far as I know it wasn’t that bad but there is still a question mark over that.

    I tried to get her to go to counselling and she switched antidepressants 3 times as well as takes beta blockers for anxiety. She took one session and basically didn’t tell the counseller anything.

    to this day 19 months on she can’t sit still, she has spent little time with our child but I believe she loves him and she makes the effort when around him. She left four months ago and is staying gone now after promises to come home. Her anxiety is so bad that she can’t even pick up the phone to sort debts that have been chasing her for years even though I offered to pay and they only want 5 pound a month of her.

    im so tired as I have worked 50 hours plus a week from home while looking after our boy for the majority and I spent around 9 months reading about anxiety and depression and trying to help but in the end I couldn’t fix anything. I’m proud that I tried my hardest but there is no victory here for anyone.

     

    i wanted my boy to grow up the way I did not and wanted him to be born in love with both parents forever. I don’t have any interest in moving on even though it’s been a sexually frustrating 19 months ( laughing face)

     

    I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I spend my alone time when my son is away eating alone at our favourite places. I don’t have friends that are available at times I need them and I don’t want to hurt my self or anything, I’m just sad and lonely. I don’t take much joy in anything but I’m ok, I got my son and he is a angel.

     

     

    #36217 Report

    Kath
    Participant

    Gosh you have had your world turned upside down in a few short years. The perfect happy life you had, the rug has been pulled from right under you but you know what, you will get beyond this.

    The only thing I can think of for your wife is to keep supporting her in seeing your child, the rest you have to let her make her own choices with what she is doing with her life if she won’t go for some serious help. You have done the best you can for her in reading up and researching. I don’t know enough about the medications she has been on so it’s best for me not to say anything in that area.

    Have you thought about a bit of child care during your working week so your little one can socialize with other children and it gives you that bit of help that you may need? Perhaps find a nursery close to your home where he can spend a couple of mornings or if you prefer to take him to a play group where you will meet others who you simply gel with?

     

    #36236 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    Thankyou for replying, he has been one day a week in nursery for some time now. I put him in for two but felt a bit guilty so took it back to 1, I also miss him so much when he’s not with me.

    i find it really hard to talk to other people in real life that I don’t know and it’s mainly mums at the events we go to, obviously most mums want to be left alone to their groups etc. I understand them not wanting to talk to men and vice versa as their spouses probably wouldn’t like that.

     

    im always their for my son and would have described myself as his primary carer, I really hate it when he goes to my wives mothers and he doesn’t sleep well there etc. I k ow there is nothing I can do I just find it hard to accept that kind of love can cease to exist without tapperimg etc. I dunno, just lost. I’m ok though like I don’t want to hurt myself or anything I’m just lonely as all my friends have work and family and I just spend so much time alone when not with my boy.

    #36240 Report

    Kath
    Participant

    It’s like loosing a limb when they are not with you isn’t it, that’s how I used to feel when I was without my son when he was younger. It’s so clear you love him so much, it shows thru in the words you use.

    I always found play groups hard work until I found one that wasn’t all in little groups with no way in to the inner circle (I’m not inner circle material) but honestly there will be a group somewhere that is welcoming to the novelty of a single dad (more and more dads go these groups than before)  that people are happy to chat with about daily life and stuff, you might need to do a tour of playgroups til you find one that suits you.

    If you are not happy for your child to be at grans why do you let him go? As the primary carer you have the right to make decisions about where he is and who he’s with. Are you letting him go to grans because you feel you should be doing so even if your not ok with it? Why is there nothing you can do about it?

    #36248 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    that’s where my wife has been for the past four months, so he sleeps there with her. The split between us is suppose to be every two days but I have always done a bit more. She took him away for a week to Spain before and that was horrible. Ughhhhh I’ve had the worst day. Thanks but I think I just have to accept I can’t help her and I can’t fix this. I’m just so tired.

    #36291 Report

    mstime
    Participant

    Hiya

    Ive been following your post closely and ive felt the need to reply. First things first….dont you dare give up. Dont you dare! You are doing everything you possibly can. You are doing so well. Many wouldnt have even bothered to try this hard. Well done for getting as far as you have. Its a long journey and i guess like me you are still at the stage of studying the map. Youll get there buddy but just understand it will take time. Just keep studying the map and sooner or later youll work out your route. Take care mate

    #36295 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    Thankyou for the input, I am for some unknown reason still trying, I think that maybe she feels she doesn’t love me as much anymore which I perhaps in a delude way attribute to a combination of the extreme love she has for our son which I know all mothers experience, medication and other factors. Maybe she just doesn’t love me I don’t know. She says she does and has these moments of clarity where she feels ready to finally tackle everything but when I have previously forced her to make a decision because it’s been unbearably painful emotionally she runs, she always runs.

    today was ok, I kept busy and didn’t cry at all and I feel strong. I don’t want to give up on her but I’m ready to accept that she may give up on me and threading the needle on the push to much or don’t push enough has always got me confused with her. I can’t make anything happen or fix anything so I’m really stuck for what to do so for now I’m just trying to stay positive and say something nice once a day, as well I send her a nice memory on Snapchat once a day usually if me and our boy.

    if she decides to start dating or anything like that I’m afraid I will never be able to speak to her again, i consider myself a good person but I have lines that can’t be crossed, I really feel crazy lonely like I just need a ******* hug of her.  Life’s shit sometimes 😂

    #36304 Report

    N20
    Participant

    Hi,

    Loneliness is horrible!  When you love someone so deeply and they break your heart into tiny little pieces it’s damn hard to get oneself together. Even though you know it’s over you still live in this hope that maybe just maybe they will realise it’s worth fighting for.

    I don’t have the kids this weekend and I feel lost and very a lone. But even when I have them I am very lonely. You build these dreams and hopes with someone and when they betray you in whatever way  it all comes crumbling down very quickly..

    I love my kids, my daughter is 3 my son is 14months old.

    I promise with time it gets better you learn how to deal with the overwhelming emotions. I tried everything in my power to save my marriage but I just couldn’t.. but atleast I know in my heart did my best and it wasn’t meant to be. Don’t get me wrong I have hit rock bottom but never gave up thought about my children and how much they need me. When I am alone I try getting out of house even for a walk or drive it helps a little.

    I want to be the best I can for my children they deserve nothing but the best from their mother.

    When I get lonely I give them cuddles it’s not the same but it helps and they love it so it’s win win.. recently started exercising again and definitely helps.

    Truly hope that you find your peace. But be assured it’s all very normal to feel how you feel. You sound like an amazing dad.. and as for your wife you’re also doing the best you can to support her. But sometimes you get to a point where you have to let it be…

    #36305 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    Yea I get that, it’s hard not having adult conversations and my family are around but I don’t really want to talk to them about it as I’m just tired of taking about it. The only solace is in the work that we put in, I’m really proud of how much I withstood and didn’t completely break.

     

    when we were first together we were broke and had basically nothing, I landed a dream job from home that pays super well and I cleared our wedding debts Took us on holiday lots and the funny thing is in Tunisia my wife was trapped in a hotel for a week and it’s the best she felt about life in ages. She couldn’t run away all the time and keep busy and we couldn’t go out of the complex as it was really poverish and dangerous. I thought she would have the epiphany that life can be ok if she sits still for long enough.

    today I went to Cardiff with my son and forgot the pram he’s just started tamtruming like crazy and I know he’s of that age but worry the split is affecting his development and increasing his emotional frustrations. I was a broken home kid with a violent stepfather and nothing worries more.  I loved our day out but was feeling fragile and empty u til I went for a run, I look like I’m in good shape but my cardio is awful 😂 it helped to trade one pain for another.

     

    i know who I am and I am a good man despite flaws, I loved my wife without holding back and without fear, I have a lot to offer in terms of everything that I am but I only wanted it for her and hoped we would be a success story for our kids to model their choices of life partner on. We only have one boy but I can’t have another child now, I couldn’t do this again and I really wanted more children after realising what I had been missing out on my whole life.

    I’m definitely going to be lonely a long time so I better get real good at running 😂

    #36306 Report

    N20
    Participant

    Today while I was in the tread mill running I just wanted to scream and cry out loud! It’s funny (well not funny) how these emotions are like a bad cravings that you desperately want to get rid of but they don’t want to leave!!! 😂

    Today I screamed into the pillow and had a good cry! People tell me if you feel like crying you should it helps! No it f***ing doesn’t!!!

    Sometimes I have the tele on but I just stare at it like a lost soul! Honestly is someone saw me they would think Iv lost it!! Lol

    Today I put the milk in the sink and mug in the fridge!!

    At work I have my game face on! Come across as this strong woman who has shit together!!! Only if they knew what a struggle everyday is!

    My daughter saw me crying they other day and said “mummy I don’t like it when you cry”! Broke my heart! I try to be strong around them but somedays I am overwhelmed with emotions and tears just come flowing!

     

    #36312 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    Yea lots of dark emotions for sure. And yea I just put Netflix on and work on my phone or go for 2-3 hour drive when my mum can watch him while he sleeps, he never wakes at night so he never knows I’m gone.

    I think the hardest comment here was don’t you dare give up Cus I am split between needing to walk away and giving up on my future with someone I love. I’m really sorry that your partner left you with two children as well. I think that if you were trying and he loved you he was a coward. Obviously I don’t know the entire situation but I would never walk away from someone that needed my help that I loved.

    #36316 Report

    Hello, I’ve been in a really similar situation to yourself and know just how difficult, lonely and heartbreaking it is. Just thought you should know that you’re not alone, talking things through definitely helps! You’re obviously doing an incredible job caring for everyone and which ever way you move forward it will be what’s best for you, your wife and your little one. Remember to take care of you and keep going! You’re doing great! 😊

     

    #36321 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    Thank you so much

    i know a lot of woman start to hate or feel less for their husband post baby, I just don’t know why more people can’t work things out. With the post baby hormones and anti depressants etc thrown in it’s no wonder over 60% of couples break up after a child. It’s like playing roulette with the person you love

    #36323 Report

    Bless you, I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for you all but it sounds like you really are doing all you can. It is incredibly lonely though.. My husband got poorly with a chronic condition around 8 years ago and our world was torn apart really. It affected his mental health to the extent that I was no longer safe within my marriage, a really terrible few years…although we fought for many years to save our relationship, unfortunately it didn’t work. It’s just me and my girls now. I still actively help and support him where I can, I always will but I’m a much better mum now that I’ve finally but mine and my girls needs first. We separated just over 2 and a half years ago and although there have been some especially dark times, I dusted myself off, went back to college and have just successfully got a place for university this coming September😊

    My advice is to follow your heart and just keep going, it will work out it sometimes just takes time.

    #36325 Report

    Lostthefight
    Participant

    I’m sorry that life dealt you a bad hand 😞 I don’t feel that I have much to achieve anymore, I make great money, I’m saving for a home and yes I would like to and have ambition to retire very early, the money doesn’t mean much to me, I work from home or a cafe or a Wagamama  or whatever. I measured my success by the happiness of my family and I seriously wanted more kids even though it’s pure punishment at times. Pictures of my son as a baby literally melt me 😂 so if everything goes south I won’t have it in me to have anymore I’m afraid, it’s not fear, my father had 4 marriages and a string of kids and step kids and we lost out a lot as children, he is actually a very good dad but he doesn’t have the time anymore and still raising 7 year old twins so he never sees my boy.

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