I don't know who to turn to now

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  • #8180 Report

    doms
    Participant

    To cut a long story short I came out of a physically abusive relationship a few years ago and I’ve had nothing but trouble since. He will not stick to routine continually let’s them down blames me to them . His new partner is as bad as he is. Both have been vile on text messages . I went to a solicitor and had a letter sent but that was 190 just for a letter and they said can’t enforce him to stick to contact . Friends family etc will say stop the contact but I can’t because I don’t think that’s my decision to make as the children may blame me? But at the same time they can’t see the trauma he causes me and indirectly them  . The ex blocked me well over a year and I have to go through his partner but they just do as they please I get no life as I have nobody to help me and they know this. Things have escalated recently he sent me a really nasty threatening message via my daughters phone who’s only 7 . The partner has now blocked me and they are now arranging contact via my daughter who’s 7

    I am really concerned about this that it’s not appropriate for a child to be the go between she can barely spell and emotionally it doesn’t sit right with me ? I’ve rang the nspcc about it they say ring women’s aid which I’ve now left a message for and somebody on that forum suggested this site for help.

     

    I’m absolutely worn down with it all can’t sleep hence me typing this at 3.15 am ! Feel so drained and upset.

     

    Further I have a baby and have also recently split up but I can deal with that I’ve been here before under much worse circumstance it’s the issue with my first ex that’s making me feel ill

     

    Sorry to rant and it’s my first post just feel so fed up and don’t know where to turn for help x

    #8181 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I’m learning that solicitors are pretty meaningless in these situations. They cost a lot but can’t legally enforce anything so only work if the other person suddenly panics. I think you probably need a mediator who can issue you a MIAM. They may not do so if they feel further mediation might work. In my case they could see the partner simply didn’t want it to work. The MIAM allows you to go to court (you might get aid for this so all in all it’s cheaper than the solicitor’s letter) and at first you’ll be offered assistance and CAFCASS intervention, a sort of state mediation. If that doesn’t work, your case will be heard by a judge or (if you’re unlucky) a magistrate and they can legally impose some boundaries based on the CAFCASS report. If not adhered to it’s back to court. All of this takes time but not necessarily much money.

    In the meantime, if the message is genuinely nasty you can take it to the police and have him charged for malicious communication (via a minor’s phone would be especially frowned upon). This would probably lead to immediate conditions for safeguarding and any further direct contact with the 7 year old should be stalled prior to a hearing. I strongly suggest you consider this first and show the police the message(s) as it will help you if you have to go to court later. Of course 7 is a difficult age if your 7 year doesn’t agree with your actions, but like telling them to eat broccoli, sometimes you have to put wider interests before current tastes.

    All the best (it’s not ranting btw, it’s what loved ones turn us into eventually. All things pass, love and mankind are grass).

    #8182 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    And hey, it’s 4.31am now – do you think I ever sleep since my children were taken? No, everything is napping an hour here or there. I’m held together with sticky tape. One day, you and I will be whole again. I have to believe that.

    #8183 Report

    doms
    Participant

    Thank you so so much for your reply that’s really helpful. I have left a message the local p p I u he was convicted for an assault but they never took the full history I was going to ask them to look over everything  plus the recent threats .

     

    Oh I am so sorry to hear you don’t have your children. I am here if you would like to talk more . I can only imagine that pain .

     

    Thank you again I’ve got some good points to look in to today x

     

    #8205 Report

    Hey doms.  If it was an abusive relationship try to avoid mediation at all costs.  Abusers just use this to validate their control.

    Well done for getting out.  The main thing to think about her is your little one and you’re absolutely right, putting her in the middle of the situation is not the right way to be going.  Have you been through the court system?  You might qualify for Legal Aid.

    He can just throw solicitors letters in the bin but a court order is a whole new thing.

    I totally agree with Empty that you should go to the police.  Even if it comes to nothing it will hopefully be on record.  If his current girlfriend ever makes an application under Clare’s Law hopefully she will see it and have some food for thought.

    As to the girlfriend, you have to remember that he’s feeding her a pack of lies about how awful you are.  The same sort of BS that he charmed you with when you first got together and you thought he was brilliant.  It doesn’t excuse her behaviour but it may help you understand where she’s coming from.  She’s to be pitied really.

    I’ve found Women’s Aid a real help.  Their workers are sympathetic and knowledgeable.  Let us know how you get on.

    #8208 Report

    doms
    Participant

    Hi khaleesi

     

    Thank you for your reply. Women’s aid called me back youre right they were so helpful and given me lots of advice and contact details for some free advice

     

    I am going to report it tomorrow even if it’s just recorded .

     

    Somebody suggested taking the phone and replace it with a tablet as she only uses it for app anyway and to call me at her dad but I don’t think they’d stop her ringing me if she waMt to.

    As you will know it’s so hard when you’ve lived in fear and intimidation for so long x

     

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