I don’t know what to do
11 February 2020 at 4:57 am #36603
Hi I don’t know what to do. My husband left me 4 weeks ago which came as a total bolt out of the blue for me. We have been married for 18 years and have son who’s 16 and a daughter who’s 12. 5 years ago we brought a holiday home in Cornwall and became friendly with our builder and his wife. Unbeknown to me my husband and her started calling and texting each other for emotional support – I have mental health issues and have severe depression at times and she was in an abusive relationship with her husband which I did not know about until 3 weeks ago so I can see how they got closer and closer until they fell in love. We have a successful business which is 50/50 split and I work there part-time too. We also own properties together. I just want to be free of him completely and go down the legal route but I still love the person he once was when I married him, over the years he’s become a machine to build the business while I’ve brought up the kids and done my best to support him with a happy home life. Now he’s got what he wants he’s left me on the scrap heap and can now sail off with her into a future I hoped I’d have. He’s doing an “angry flip” and blaming me for everything and gets really angry every time we meet so I’m avoiding him as I hate arguing with anyone. Please please help me.12 February 2020 at 7:03 pm #36661
Hi CEB. You have certainly got a lot to deal with. I can relate to the “loving the person they once were” People can change over time, they stop caring about each other in the ways that they used to.
It sounds like you have done more than your best and you should give yourself credit for that. As hard as it is,when you do meet, sometimes you have to bite your lip and remain calm. Some people like to argue and will say anything to get a reaction, which you probably already know but good to be reminded from time to time. I guess in your situation you need to meet fairly regularly. Hope today is going ok for you. Happy to chat any time.13 February 2020 at 5:37 am #36669
Hi Winnie. Thank you so much for getting back to me. I am really trying to act normally for my children sake. I’m going through all sorts of emotions everyday-sad,angry,hurt,desparate,defiant,bewildered,confused it will be like this for a long time I guess? This week has been really hard as he has his girlfriend up for the week so they can spend some quality time together locally. It’s killing me that he’s moved on so quickly but then his secret friendship with her has been going on for 2 years so he’s had plenty of time to check out of our marriage. I’m not going into work at the mo -I work for our company and he expects me to’ come back soon once I’m over all this and can carry on as before ‘. I just don’t know if I can do it but I don’t trust him at all and he could be up to all sorts financially. I’m going to see my solicitor on Monday to look at my options. I just want him out if my life for good and not be beholdened to him when actually half of the company is mine anyway – as he’s telling everyone that will listen that he’ll always see me right. as far as I’m concerned it’s mine and I shouldn’t have to be grateful for his scraps of kindness. His other mistress is his business which he has given his all to while I’ve brought up the family, worked there ( I gave up teaching 9 years ago when we brought his partner out and I took over the jobs he used to do) and made a HUGE effort with his family, he has 5 sisters while he made no effort at all with mine. I just feel so used and mad with myself that I’ve helped create this man of steel and now he’s got what he wants I’m tossed aside. I just don’t know which way to turn. He wants us to be friends, but I can’t as I don’t like him and wouldn’t be friends with that sort of machine if I met him now. It’s so hard.13 February 2020 at 9:50 am #36670
It sounds like you are doing everything you can, getting advice and not rushing into any decisions. He has had lots of time to check out of the marriage and you’ve had none. That’s something I can relate to. Don’t be too hard on yourself, I find it good to analyse things but it’s important to keep it positive. You did all those nice things because it was important to you, I know I did that too. But now you have to focus on yourself and your children more. You could always go back to teaching in the future. Gingerbread is a good place to come and unburden yourself a bit because a lot of us have been in similar circumstances and have got through it and you will too.13 February 2020 at 1:11 pm #36677
First of all, love yourself. Let them be. Don’t fall into the trap of finding emotional soothing in overeating or not eating at all. Consult with an attorney and fight for your rights. You are enough. ❤️13 February 2020 at 3:45 pm #36679
Hi CEB. I relate to so much of what you are going through. Found out on New Year’s Day my husband had been having an affair all through my cancer treatment. He has now moved on and left me to deal with the neglected house, my 17 year old daughter who is autistic, all the pets, and all the heartbreak on top of trying to recover from the after effects of chemo and radiotherapy. I don’t know what comfort I can offer you, except to know you aren’t alone in going through this. The jealousy, feelings of rejection, feeling worthless, on top of anger, disappointment, and pain is all consumming. I hope we both get through this soon and come out better the other side 🙂14 February 2020 at 9:45 am #36683
i just wanted to jump on and offer my support. My husband leaft last July saying he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for a while (all started when we had my 3rd child she was a surprise and he didn’t want her) I found out two weeks ago she has been seeing my best friend of 20 years. She has started working for him and got close to his sister hanging around with her and being distant with me. But the hurtful thing is he keeps saying I’ll tell you what you want to know but it isn’t what you think she works with me and we are sort of seeing each other. He thinks cause we aren’t together and they haven’t had sex there is nothing wrong with it!!!! He is just lieing about it all the time and when I trip him up lieing he doesn’t know what to say. I ended up in hospital with the stress they thought I’d had a heart attack but it was broken heart syndrome and some of my family put things over Facebook saying it’s been going on for ages etc and he has been getting messages and stuff people having a go and keeps going on to me about. He is unreal I came off Facebook that night and have not said anything to anyone except my family. The kids know her as aunty and he has asked the kids if they want to see her!!! Putting them in the middle I’ve told them if you want to it’s fine just don’t tell me. I honestly don’t understand these men at all so selfish. Just keep your chin up there is light at the end of the tunnel we just have to keep moving forward x16 February 2020 at 4:04 am #36770
hi all I’ve come to the end of my tether. I have the my kids for the weekend as he’s got his new girlfriend up from Cornwall for the week to spend some quality time together. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so gutted. my kids are struggling with me being so sad and useless my son says he doesn’t care about me so I can’t talk to him which he’s made quite clear and my daughter is sad that I’m sad. I just feel trapped in a never ending cycle. I really want to end it all but I can’t because of my children but I’m sooooo near the end. I’ve got a new phone today so he can’t track me as all our phones are linked to the company account and mines on a tracker. I just want to go somewhere and hang myself I can’t stand it. all my friends keep telling me to look forward but I can’t coz every which way I turn he’s there my kids the ****ing company he just lies about his feelings all the time he’s moved on done his gut wrenching years ago hasn’t loved me all that time and wants out. I can’t sleep I can’t eat I’m done in and all the time everyone keeps on at me to hold it together for the children I cant I’m so weak and so needy but I can’t turn to anyone coz they’ve got their own lives to lead so theres no respite. please help me all I do is smoke and drink black coffee wash and iron their clothes cook them food they don’t want.16 February 2020 at 4:04 pm #36786
So sorry to hear this sounds really similar to me
Pot kettle black
But you need to banish those thoughts16 February 2020 at 6:54 pm #36790
Ceb please please hang in there you will get through this And be even stronger. Please don’t feel alone I read somewhere it said feel your heart beating its beating for a purpose your still here don’t ever forget that. Please don’t ever underestimate how valuable you are. These feelings how awful they feel will not last forever there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you your grieving let it all out cry scream smoke if it eases a little bit for you. Every day you are growing stronger and stronger and one day you will look back at this and see how far you have come I promise. Please don’t ever forget your worth, your a warrior and you will get through this xx16 February 2020 at 9:55 pm #36794
thank you everybody I really appreciate your support 🙂 today did get better after my beautiful daughter saved me. its soooo hard not telling them how hard it is. we’ve had chats about the future and she’s said I deserve to meet someone who’s really kind and treats me like a princess but her dad thinks I’m poisoning her mind because she won’t take his calls. he doesn’t realise she thinks for herself and makes up her own mind. all I’ve said is that I’m really sad that daddy doesn’t love me anymore. I will get there and realise that this is meant to be and in a few years I’ll be thankful I dodged a bullet being married to him. thank you all so much for your support you are amazing! xxxxxxx16 February 2020 at 10:10 pm #36796
is there anybody in the Warickshire area that fancies meeting up for a coffee and a chat I think my friends have had enough of me going on and on – not really they’re all fab but it would be good to talk to someone in the same boat17 February 2020 at 10:05 am #36801
Gosh this really resonates. Phrases like ‘on the scrap heap’ and the ‘future I thought I had’ are just so poignant.
My husband left 10 years ago and now goes on cruises, has a fancy car, treats wife no 2 to a lavish lifestyle of designer clothes and deluxe nights out. I meanwhile struggle to make ends meet but…
As you say it really is a future you’d imagined that would never have been reality. Life with someone who doesn’t deserve you would in fact be awful.
You are a successful business woman who has raised amazing kids and coped with your own illness. Forget the scrap heap… You are bloomin wonderwoman.
Take care and get out there to get everything that you and your kids deserve. On the rowing, best advice to me was find the money for a lawyer until you feel emotionally strong enough to cope.