I don't even know what to call this…

[Lainey]

Sorry for this post but I just need to offload.

I’m really struggling with everything at the minute. My divorce is nearing the final stages and I’m stressing about how I’m going to manage financially. My life hasn’t gone how I imagined it to at all. I’ve 2 kids and had to leave work due to health reasons (I was a nurse). When I think about myself it’s as an unemployed, disabled, single mum. I need to get a job to help pay the bills but am struggling to find anything that I could manage. I’m lonely. I’m 44 and I’m so lonely it hurts. I go for days without talking to anyone except the kids and the staff in shops. I spend my days just looking on job sites and just get more and more disheartened. My ex left after 18 years telling me he didn’t love me anymore and soon after got together with a work colleague who I knew and had been round our house and out with. He’s now playing happy families in a way he would never do with us. As much as I love my kids, it’s bloody hard keeping it all together when life keeps dumping on you. Why don’t I get to be happy and have everything fall nicely into place? I honestly think that I’ve little to look forward to. I’ve always put others before me and its got me nowhere. I’m just so tired and overwhelmed. I pretend that I’m ok but I’m not. How can I feel like my life sucks when I have 2 children that I adore??

 

[GirlFriday]

Hi Lainey, sorry to hear things are difficult for you.  I too am in the middle of a divorce after being with my husband for 23 years and married for 15. H told me there was no one else many times but I know differently & he has now, after never having a FB acc put it all over there.. Had to tell our youngest DD last night though she didn’t seem as shocked as I thought she would be. I struggled before Xmas and was put on meds to see me through and help me think clearly.  I am lucky my work has been my salvation the office staff I work with (who are all men) have been brilliant every time I randomly burst into tears! Although she hasn’t been seeing her dad I guess I am lucky as she is self sufficient at 14 I think I must have relatively old children compared to a lot of people on here (my other DD is 19) I really feel for those with little ones battling on their own it must be v draining although rewarding 🙂

take care

[Lainey]

Thank you GirlFriday.

It’s been tough and I’m on meds also and have had counselling but sometimes it just get too much.

My 2 children are 11 and 15 so are older too. They see their dad and have adapted well. Dealing with their highs and lows and hormones on my own is the tricky part!

You sound like you have great work colleagues which is brilliant.

I hope things work out ok for you.

Lainey

 

[Mozza2019]

Hello Ladies

I have 2 boys now aged 12 & 9.  I recently completed my divorce and have been separated for about 15 months.

Just like yourselves, I have been on meds and had therapy.  My family was my everything.  My ex wife turned 40, cheated, lied, drank and became violent.  She used to be my rock, my soul mate, my best friend.

I have been through that pain and honestly didnt stop crying for 6 months.  Eventually each day became just slightly easier and I am now a lot stronger and I have a new home, a new job, my eldest lives with me full time and my youngest 50% of the time.  I am not there yet as I still feel bad at times.  I see my ex with her new feller, who she got with 4 months after our separation, virtually every day as we live quite close.

My sister mainly helped me through the hard times but she did live 1.5 hrs away so I was mainly on my own.  People can be awfull and I never thought I would be in this situation.

I am now off the meds.  The therapy I had was private and it really helped even though I was very sceptical. Its about finding the right therapy and the right person to do it.

Anyway.  If wither of you wants a chat, please feel free.  If not.  Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lainey,

It’s often the case that people in caring professions such as yourself find any situation like this really had because of not being used to being the person needing help or support but the person providing it.  You’re bound to feel that bit extra and question why you’re not coping in the same way you would be used to coping with difficult situations at work.  Treat this as clocking off… Your time to focus on yourself and your kids, and permission to include yourself in that care program when usually you’d be shutting that part off and carrying on with your shift.  You cant be angry at yourself and expect to just be happy…its a long process and you have to give yourself time.  Treat each small achievement as a success, be it signing or filling in a form, organizing something in place for kids, even just daily chores, just break it down into small bits.  You will get there even though it might not seem it right now, just try to always keep in mind a goal or something to look forward to and focus on that, try to visualize how good things are going to be after the storm or in the words of Churchill “when you’re going through hell…keep going!”.  Loneliness is very understandable and something Ive struggled with too I must admit.  I think if you can find ways to tackle isolation it goes a long way to tackling that especially if you can surround yourself with good people.

[Kanger1]

Hi sorry to hear you are feeling this way. With nursing skills you have so much to offer in the workplace, maybe start with a small volunteer role somewhere to get you back out and about? And enable you to be part of things again.  Things will come good for you again in time when you are  ready. I know my ex will be with someone really quick, but do these relationships always last? Not always. I worry financially too its scary but am sure it rights itself eventually. I have had a couple of counselling sessions which help my mind if there is any where you could access these? Cherish your children who love you unconditionally and give yourself time and be kind to yourself, these forums are great to offload and get support.

[Anonymous]

jGreat idea about the volunteering Kanger 😊

[Mum02]

My story is different as I am a widow, I know it sounds silly but I am often grateful that I don’t have to go through what you guys have been through. On the other hand I wish my kids could see their Dad.

During the time that goes on you will find the strength to look forward to the future and you will be able to say I got through that and I am strong.

Take time to find you and find the path that you want to follow. Do some voluntary work at your local primary/ infant/ junior school they could always do with help.

Wishing you all the best

Jackie

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’ve overcome a lot Jackie and that you’re a very strong person.  😊

[Enna80]

I don’t suppose you live locally to me, I’m in Worcestershire and would love to bring you cake you make a cuppa and put the world to rights?

[GingerbreadJustine]

Hi Lainey

I’m glad to see the community is offering support as always.  The guys out there are able to be empathetic and listening can be of real support.  Lainey, I will be sending you a personal message with some signposting options.  Please continue to chat on the forum.

Justine

[Lainey]

Hi everyone.

I can’t believe that you’ve all taken the time to reply and with so much kindness.

You’ve given me a bit of a boost and I do feel a bit brighter. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone and that it will get easier. I don’t think I expected the loneliness to last but that’s the hardest bit I think.

I do cherish my kids, I think I probably overcompensate for their dad not being there. I should probably encourage them to be more independent.

Mozza – you sound like you’ve come out the other side and I’m pleased things are getting easier for you. I find it hard to see my ex and I’m not sure I’d be too happy if he lived nearby. I still struggle to be civil to him.

Welshdad – your words are just what I would say to someonelse, so thank you for that. I actually started making lists a few weeks ago. Each night I write a to do list for the next day. It gives me a focus and it’s a good feeling to tick them all off.

Kanger1 – I’ve done some volunteering in the past and have just enquired about volunteering at the local hospice.

Jackie – There are so many ways we end up as single parents. But becoming a widow must’ve been an incredibly difficult time for you and your children.

Enna80 – thanks for the offer for a cuppa and putting the world to rights. I’m in Lincolnshire so a little too far away!

Lainey x

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