I desperately want to tell my family but darent!
30 June 2019 at 6:59 pm #27072
Sorry this is a long post, but if I don’t tell you the whole picture you won’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m sure many of you have been in my shoes. I’m looking for advice, help, guidance, opinions, really appreciate anything!
I’m 37 years old, a single mum of a nearly 13 year old girl. I’ve been single for 5 years. I’ve had 4 serious relationships with guys, one was a disaster marriage…none of which lasted over 2 years. I have struggled with bulimia for 20 years, and generally struggle emotionally (always have!) when I’m good, I’m good, when I’m struggling with stress or emotions I’m a nightmare, I reckon I’d find myself difficult to live with at times. Anyway, over the last 12 months I decided to try make some changes. I wanted to get on top of the bulimia once and for all. I got a personal trainer, he totally inspired me, helped me find my motivation, educated me about nutrition etc, I now do weightlifting 5 days a week (which I love!!), I’ve become so fit, and toned but most importantly, I’ve become happy and I’m able to act rationally and I’m half the emotional roller coaster that I once was.
Since I was about 14 I have often had feelings about girls, feelings that a straight girl might not have, in fact my first sexual experiences were with girls, but I had read somewhere this often happens in teenage years and it doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a lesbian or bisexual. I went off to uni and had, well let’s call it “a fun time” 🤦🏻♀️ with some women and men alike, I was young and daft and just wanted a good time before I “grew up”. Thereafter, I have only been in relationships with men. But after all these years have passed, I’ve still had these feelings towards women. Especially women who I knew were a lesbian or bi, if I fancied them I’d find myself getting flustered or blushing etc (as you do when you like someone). But I never acted on it, I guess I just got to the point where I felt I’d left it too late, then my daughter came along and well life just flew by . My parents are in my life very much, but I just have never had a relationship with them where I’ve felt comfortable speaking about personal issues, my psychotherapist thinks this has possibly contributed to the bulimia and self harm, as my way of trying to deal with problems on my own, (although there are probably many more factors that contribute to it). My personal trainer has now become a really good friend, I can tell him anything. He’s even convinced me to become a PT myself as he thinks I’d be good at it and I can’t wait to train in January! We’ve often chatted about relationships etc and he often says he’d love me to find a man or just even to let my hair down and go on a date because i deserve to be treated and spoilt etc but I always say nahhh I just want to be on my own, then when my daughter is older and working or at uni I want to go see the world, I had planned a round the world trip but then fell pregnant in my early 20, (I’d love her to take a year out to come with me! ). I’ve often dreamt of just packing up and starting a new life abroad, I’m a bit of a free spirit like that but with my daughter I couldn’t, she has an amazing relationship with my parents, a better one than I ever did tbh! I couldn’t take her away from them, but one day she will have her own life and that’s when I can do more of what I want. Anyway I’m ranting now. I keep seeing this lass walking down the road, I noticed her a couple of years ago actually and got that “feeling” of attractiveness. I’ve never spoken to her, the other day she walked past and we sort of caught eyes, I got flustered because I looked awful that morning, then we both looked back at each other when we’d passed. Now I’m not saying there’s anything in it, she might be completely straight for all I know although I feel that maybe she’s not straight (intuition?! Who knows 🤔), but I suddenly got this epiphany that this is possibly where I’ve been going wrong all this time. The same morning I got off a train and found myself eyeing up another attractive lass getting on the train and again it made me think yup, I definitely like women. I absolutely like men too but if I’m completely honest I think I like women more! So last week with my PT I just casually threw it in that I’m attracted to women and he said well I could have told you that. Thought this was a strange reply but he said I gave of those vibes off the day we met but he was waiting for me to tell him (gay vibes, bi vibes…is that even a thing?). He said he was chuffed I’d told him but then said so what happens next? So what does happen next? I’m convinced the reason my relationships are not working out are because I’ve completey shut off who I really am and that’s limited me in maybe finding someone special. Also, I keep having these desires and aspirations to move away and start a new life but why….my life isn’t too terrible here but deep down I think it’s because I’m not living the life that I truly could. How on earth do I tell my parents this after all this time? Parents that I just find so difficult to talk to? Friends, wider family, work… My daughter! She’s at such a vulnerable age, in fact she can be a nightmare at times at the moment with raging hormones etc, all I ever get is cheek these days and how I’m ruining her life (usually when I’ve turned the WiFi off so she has to come down and actually talk to me 🙄😂 teens!!). I just feel like I’ll ruin her life, or my parents will be embarrassed, they’re so old fashioned, my sister will hate me for causing “arguments”, she even went mad at me last year when I told my parents I was seeing a therapist because I’d worried them and she said I needed to stop being pathetic, grow up and get over “whatever it is causing issues” (this reaction really upset me, she can be quite difficult to get on with at times). I know there will be arguments. 98% of me thinks I should just keep quiet and keep living my current life, but then what if I’m missing out on something really good. Gosh, this is so stressful, it’s driving me mad! Any advice very much appreciated 👍🤗😊1 July 2019 at 10:19 am #27093
It’s really great that you’ve turned your life around and feeling so much better in yourself, you’ve obviously come a long way so congratulate yourself ☺👍
I’m straight so I’m not going to be able to give great advice, I do have a number of friends that are gay and one of my brothers is as well. One thing I can say though is that we only live one life and you have to make the most of it, you have to find your own happiness and not live in a certain way to make other people happy. Coming out will obviously cause you some fears but many will be unfounded, one positive is that finding your own happiness will mean that overall you’ll be happier and thus people including your daughter could enjoy you more. Also you have to remember that your daughters generation are much more accepting of LGBT lifestyles so you may not have as hard a time with her as you’d think.
Two organisations worth a look at are ditchthelabel.org and stone wall.org. Both offer advice on coming out.
Hope this helps
Mark2 July 2019 at 9:57 pm #27181
Hi yes contact the groups that ramblinjon has suggested. I don’t see the harm in trying to date women. That’s how it starts, a chance meeting and the rush of adrenaline so if you feel like this with men and women then clearly this is your preference.
It takes a lot of guts to come out but now with the world becoming more LGBTQ+ aware. Attitudes are changing which is a great thing.
Even if you go on a few dates with women and decide you do prefer men then at least you will know. I imagine bisexuals will have a preference 😀 good luck