I am soon to be a single dad. completely lost and any advice welcome.
29 March 2019 at 1:18 pm #22750
Just going to put my story here, any bits you can comment on, help with, advise or share to help me get my head round it all, is wholly welcome.
Married my wife 10 years ago. she already had two children 5 years old and 3years old from her previous marriage. we now also have a 7 year old daughter between us. I thought we had a perfect marriage, then exactly one week ago she tells me she has been having an affair and wants to live with him. i was in complete shock. I am the homemaker and my wife works full time. i run my own internet business from a recently bought cabin in the garden. which is great as i am at home to cover everything from school runs, sickness, holidays. obviously all the housework is my domain too. we have agreed that i should have parental responsibility for our little girl, she is very much a daddy’s girl and finds if difficult to get on with her mum as they are both on the autism spectrum to varying degrees. neither of us can afford to buy each other out of the mortgage at the minute. i cant even get a mortgage as my business has only been running for 2 years. but she wants to move on and take her and her two boys to live with this other bloke. can she force me to leave my home where all my daughters friends live? and her school is? and my business is? where she is happy? I have worked so hard to keep her balanced over the last 2 years and everything has improved for her. i would take on the world to keep her happy and safe. but i am a dad not a mum, if it went to court and i lost her….. it would destroy me. please help.29 March 2019 at 2:46 pm #22751
I think you need some legal advice from a solicitor.
provide all the financial details you can find. Your daughter is 7. Who looked after her for the first 5 years?
The courts are moving more towards 50:50 split so that is the likely outcome. If the house has enough equity to split in half and allow you each a deposit then that also seems likely. But wait to be advised. Don’t agree to anything until you have spoken to someone. Good luck29 March 2019 at 4:54 pm #22752
Don’t leave your house and move!29 March 2019 at 4:57 pm #22753
i don’t want to move out of my house. i want to stay but my wife is trying to move everything along so quickly29 March 2019 at 5:02 pm #22754
@Kathymumo my wife was at home the first five years, she struggled and battled with depression and anxiety when it came to housework and dealing with the kids. so i worked full time and came home and did half of the stuff she could not manage. but that’s due to her autism not laziness, i never bore a grudge or resented doing it ever, i was happy to help her 🙁29 March 2019 at 5:16 pm #22755
Don’t move out otherwise you will be sorry . You can go online and see if you can get some free legal advice . Once she changes locks it will be hard to get to get back in because it was your choice.29 March 2019 at 6:46 pm #22756
i have no intention of leaving. none whatsover.29 March 2019 at 9:17 pm #22758
It’s very unlikely that everything would be resolved within twelve months so I wouldn’t worry about not having three years of books ATM.
She’s on an entirely different page to you and trying to push you along too.
You’re fully entitled to say stop. Get on with what you want to do but I need some time to emotionally process the hurt and pain you’ve caused.
Practically, she’s liable for half of the mortgage regardless. She should also pay maintenance for the child you share. Get that sorted immediately. The Cms calculator gives a minimum, I’d advise that you either ask for her suggestions on what she’ll contribute to the maintenance knowing you have a higher than CMS rate figure as your starting point. Adding she’d pay half of school uniforms, trips, clubs etc on top.
Get her name off the bills. Close any joint accounts. Get copies of her bank statements and payslips etc any other financial assets.
Any savings accounts close. Any for your child close down and reopen in a different bank.
Change all bills to your names.
Change child benefit to your name. If not claiming and eligible claim universal credit as a lone parent.
She cannot proceed without you cooperating. So until the dust has settled quite legitimately state that right now you’re taking time for you and your child.
Do not leave the house. Technically you shouldn’t change the locks as she has the right to enter her property but I would consider it.
Have you arranged a schedule of contact for your daughter?29 March 2019 at 10:02 pm #22760
at the moment we are still living in the property together. she has not said HOW soon she wants to move out, but i get the impression after tonights conversations that it will not be for a while. Apart from me sleeping on the sofa, everything is “business as usual”. it will give me a bit of time to find out as much as i can. I have already done some research and i have every right to live in the house unless a court says i cant. i am on the deeds etc I am going to take as much time as i need to take now. she can like it or lump it 🙂30 March 2019 at 3:20 pm #22766
It’s great that you are getting all the information together and putting your daughter first. Wish you good luck. Wish there were more dads like you around (I’ve always put my boys first .. shame their dad didn’t). XxX30 March 2019 at 6:27 pm #22773
TBH though this may be contentious, I imagine that she has received similar advice and probably will try making things as difficult as possible so that you leave!
I would say – as hard as this will be – that you reclaim the bedroom. You are the wronged party – why should it be you suffering? Perhaps you showing that actually you wont be walked over she will reconsider her approach.
Gather all of the documents you can before doing this. You can obviously suggest she uses a camp bed etc.1 April 2019 at 4:03 pm #22815
thank you for your nice comment amandaann6. after reading a lot of stuff on here, there seems to be a shortage of good dads.
Regarding the bedroom thing, despite everything i still think about my wife. she has a neck problem and needs a special mattress and pillow. she still needs to work and be capable of being a parent. I can sleep anywhere. she tells me i can sleep in the bed too, i have tried it but i just lie there and think about the betrayal and how things will never be the same again.
We have talked more over the weekend. told her that only a court will get me out of the house. at the moment we have agreed to keep things as they are, living our separate lives. we are limiting any unnecessary spending and putting as much money up as we can ready for legal fees and stuff. I think she is coming around to the idea that if we go to court i would end up with the house. so we just need to agree on a price for me to buy her out the mortgage that i an afford.
we are still only 10 days into everything falling apart. sure some bitterness will follow in the coming months.20 November 2019 at 11:07 pm #33128
Sorry to read of your predicament and situation which is/was so similar to mine….a long time ago now – I hope things continue to be amicable for you both and don’t start veering down the route my ex took.
In short I was working – running business from home plus working part- time. Ex worked full-time (4days a week) and decided after instigating her affair that I was out and he was in – I believed her nonsense for so long that like yourself I was blindsided & completely caught in her trap….after being arrested in my own house for abuse ( I didn’t touch her) but kicked a door of its hinges…. a culmination of two months of having to see my kids less because she demanded half the time (she sent them to a childminder mostly ) and having it rubbed in my face every day dealing with the stress of slowly but surely losing everything I held dear. I was arrested three more times for suspected abuse…none of it ever proven and thrown out by the CPS, of the 3 kids (two mine and one SD) the step daughter was removed from my life and has never been back in it 8 years on. What followed over the next 18 months I wouldn’t wish on anyone and i was ordered by the court to leave the property, even though I had applied for residency I needed all three kids to live with me & the ex made sure my SD wanted nowt to do with me, poisoning her against me and my entire family completely – I stopped communication after i was threatened with child harassment by her mum! So i did get better contact then she was offering so it wasn’t a total loss but boy what lengths some people will do to win is just unbelievable and sad – it effected me badly for so many years and still does to some extent because we never sorted the house so eight years in she is sitting pretty living in FMH and there is pretty much feck all I can do about it. Damn if I do try and force a sale as I will make my boys homeless (she would ensure they knew daddy was making them homeless) and I don’t wanna be that dad, no chance of having them live with me in my private rented place because she won’t give up any extra nights keeping her resident parent and is quick to imply that I am inept and incapable of looking after my kids even though I’ve provided everything they need at my house and have done so at great financial and emotional costs. Heck I washed 9 school shirts and half a dozen trousers last weekend and I am not the resident parent!!?! She is sly, utterly controlling and border line narcissistic personality disorder candidate….and do I want to stir the hornets nest again? No thanks. The house does bug me so my advice to you is sort it soon, otherwise it will crippple you financially and you will be forever poor. I am stuck in a situation I can’t get out of and dare I say has become so normal and not sure how I ended up here?! I barely keep on top of things financially but have no resources to do anything about it…it costs a shed load to go down the TOLATA route, she has all the child benefits etc etc..in her name – she changed it all to her name the same day she floored me with the I don’t love you anymore so watch for that? The fact that you are at home dad can be tainted by her so easily…no smoke without fire crap, she could make your life a living hell and there would be very little you could do about it. I hope you sort things amicably and can split 50/50 unfortunately if your partner does not agree you are in a very precarious position… I wish you all the luck in the world. Sorry for the long (almost a rant) post….lol it still works me up how some people can be so very cruel and unfair towards their own children and the person with whom they were getting old with just to win….there are no winners except the lawyers and the barristers!21 November 2019 at 8:51 am #33129
Sorry to read about your predicament (and Needsmust’s). I remember that grieving for the loss of my family prevented me from making the best practical decisions in the weeks following the separation. I believe my ex-wife had figured all this out before she announced it was over, leaving me pretty vulnerable. I ended up agreeing to everything she asked thinking it was best for a potential reconciliation.
I’m not sure what advice to give here, because I’m not sure I would’ve listened to any in those early days thinking that my wife would never do anything (as Needsmust says) “just to win”. One thing I can suggest is, don’t forget to take care of yourself during these early months. If you can talk to a counsellor, try and do that. If you can’t, talk to your friends, and family. They will be less useful (unless they’ve lived through this) but your thoughts can’t stay in your head. I’m sure you have your children’s interests at heart as most Dads do, but don’t neglect yourself.
Things will get easier. I wish you all the best.21 November 2019 at 10:57 pm #33170
just Remember your needs are just as important as hers and compromise is a 2 way street, if it only works for her it’s unfair. So stay strong and think about what you want, also make some sticking points and points that your willing to be flexible with my wife fell out of love with me but at least she’s been pretty fair with things, don’t let her rush you for some affair , your a person too and it’s unfair to just sweep you under the carpet as quick as possible to suit her. If my wife/ex said anything below fairness with out little girl I’d fight till I was blue in the face, thankfully I’m not in that situation. But fight for your needs because sometimes no one else will