Husband left me for another woman and is blaming me

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  • #45819 Report

    Helen2
    Participant

    My husband left me and our 2 & 4 year old 4 weeks ago for another woman. He had been messaging her for weeks and now claims he loves her, they connect better than we ever did and that they are meant to be. He claims he’s been unhappy with me for a long time (this varies from when he met her to our whole 13 years together), even though he was only making future plans with me 2 months before the split. He claims he’s tried to make it work with me, but I haven’t changed. He now has a long list of complaints about me, some of which are sort of justified as since having my 2 year old I went through a period of about 18 months of being almost constantly ill with one thing or another, some more serious than others. So I was moody, didn’t do much at home etc. as I was just trying to get through each day. Since I’ve been better at the start of the year he’s not given me time as he’s been so busy with work. I can’t see how it’s fair he’s left me for me not changing, when I was ill. I can’t see how he’s tried with me (he certainly didn’t tell me he was unhappy or thinking of ending our relationship, and didn’t give me any extra time), I can’t see how it’s fair he’s blaming me when he’s cheating. And I can’t understand why he won’t try once more for me and the kids. It doesn’t feel fair. I feel like he’s cheated me out of the chance of making this right. And our unhappiness was down to circumstances (babies, illness, running business and home renovations all at once.

    I don’t feel like I can get through this.

    #45821 Report

    Helen2
    Participant

    Addition to post: husband says he deserves to be happy. But surely I deserve to be happy too? I’ve been through so much the last few years for us (ivf, low immune system and illnesses, supporting him working), I’ve put in the hard work and was so ready to start enjoying life again. And he’s gone off with her to do all the stuff I’ve been longing to do with him. I’ve never been a bad person. Surely I deserved happiness too with him and the family I worked so hard to get and raise.

    #45833 Report

    LonelyDad2boys
    Participant

    Hi Helen

    Sorry to hear your story. I’ve been coping with my wife deserting the family home in August and starting a new tenancy with her affair partner. We’ve been married for 12 years with 2 very young boys. The three of us are in shock.

    I’m new to this world of deceit and lies. But what strikes me from talking to others and reading almost daily about others lives, is that the betrayer often fits the description you give. Nothing can justify their actions, however they will use every excuse under the sun to displace the guilt onto us. Since August I’ve fallen for it countless times, none of us are perfect so of course we have faults that can be used. But none of it whatsoever can be or should be used to excuse the thoughtlessness of these people. They’re selfish, reckless, short-sighted, self-obsessed and despite all their attractive qualities, best left to mistreat each other and not us. Move on and be thankful you’ve escaped.

    #45836 Report

    con1
    Participant

    Hear hear! Beautifully put!

    #45840 Report

    Helen2
    Participant

    Thank you lonelydad, for your reply. Like you, I’ve been scouring the Internet reading anything I can find to try and make sense of it all. I’ve found it so hard as a lot of articles end with the spouse regretting the decision and both spouses trying to work things out. As much as I hoped and tried, my husbands mind was made up and he was gone. 

    I’m struggling to come to terms with losing my future dreams for me and the children, and the thought of the other woman even meeting them, let alone spending time with them. But I’m trying to take each day as it comes and not get sucked into his blaming me. Both of which are hard. Time just seems to drag. And the pain, hurt and confusion is just unreal! How long does it take before it lessens? I don’t think I’ll ever understand what he’s done and why, which makes getting over it so much harder.

    #45874 Report

    Hope7
    Participant

    Hi Helen2

    Sorry to hear how things are.

    6 years now I’ve been separated from my husband. He had an affair with another woman when my youngest was about 17 months old.

    When I found out the pain I felt that night was like I was dying.

    Like yourself, he said I drove him to it …. I was quite isolated and didn’t really have anyone I could talk to so I tried so hard to ‘win’ my husband back, however all this made me feel was worthless as I put up with him going between me and this other women and him telling me it was my fault and I started to think it was, I felt a failure,

    My husband did end up coming back to us but it didn’t last.

    As I look back , I can see the mistakes I made and I realise trying to get my husband back at any cost was detremental  to myself and family.

    You need people around you who do love you and care for you. I know it’s a painful time but look after yourself and children , your happiness is with those who are in your life not the ones who choose to leave.

    Find support in others, leave your husband to make his decisions,  no one but himself made the decision to do what he has done.

    You are not on your own, keep strong.

    Take care

     

    #45875 Report

    LonelyDad2boys
    Participant

    Sounds like good advice Hope7.

    #45876 Report

    Sunflowerpup
    Participant

    Sounds like you are having a tough time. I agree with what others have said.

    my ex husband left me three years ago and that too was my fault. The woman he left me for lived abroad and so he spent a lot of time out of the country. He missed all the important school things – parents evening, plays etc because of this. This was my fault as apparently I was untrustworthy and so he couldn’t attend. It was my fault he cleared out the joint accounts when he left. If he hadn’t, apparently I’d have spent all the money so he had to do that instead.

    This is complete blame shifting and cowardly. Refuse to accept it and try to put into place boundaries for yourself when he starts to blame you.
    Good luck!

     

    #46015 Report

    Via
    Participant

    Every reply has been spot on but time and time alone is the only way, you will truly begin to feel better. Your mind with go round and round, you ll blame him, then you, then him.

    Get a goal or hobby and focus on that in times of doubt and weakness. Time heals,

    And prayer!

    #46044 Report

    Liolint
    Participant

    Hi Helen, I believe you’ll find someone to enjoy a beautiful life with, the life you dream about. Stay Strong!

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