Husband left for younger women
31 October 2020 at 11:08 am #45245
Just over a year ago my husband started to develop feelings for a much younger women, they slept together and he spent the next 6 months yo yo ing from me to her. He would leave the family home to be with her then after a few days/weeks he would leave her and come back to me. This happened about 27 times. I only took him back because at the time i thought he was going through a midlife crisis, he was depressed a lot, talked about past regrets, feeling old, his behaviour was out of character, he had suicidal thoughts and i loved him to bits and wanted him to be at home for the children.
After 6 months he decided that he wanted to be with me, stopped contacting the other women and said that he had blocked her so that she couldn’t make contact with him. During this time we got on a lot better and we were more loving and affectionate towards each other. About 5 weeks ago i found out that they had been emailing each other again, this went on for 2 weeks until he told her that he wants no more contact with her. In revenge she sent me the emails and told me what had been going on.
We had an argument and my husband said that she caught him at a low point and that is why he messaged her back and promised not to do it again.
A few weeks after that the other women emailed me stating that she needed to speak with my husband urgently, that if he didn’t contact her she would turn up on our doorstep as the news she had was very important, saying that he had responsibilities to her now and was implying she was pregnant.
I told my husband who then contacted her as he was worried that she was pregnant, she told him she couldn’t tell him the news by message , it needed to be done in person. I asked him not to meet her and he did. He then moved out of our family home stating that she isn’t pregnant but they still have feelings for each other and he wants to be with her.
I am devastated that he has left me after 17 years together and left his children for someone young enough to be his daughter, who he has known for just over a year and who manipulates and lies to get her own way.
I feel lost, broken and cannot stop crying. I am trying to hold it together for my children but it is so difficult. I just cannot believe that after all this time and everything we have been through together that he has treated me this way . He won’t even talk to me about things only by text and is very insensitive towards my feelings telling me that i just don’t do anything for him anymore, he doesn’t find me attractive and that i should just get over it so that we can both move on.31 October 2020 at 11:48 am #45246
Hi u ok here to chat if needed31 October 2020 at 12:50 pm #45247
Hi, it sounds like your having a really bad time of it. I know the feeling,because your a caring, thoughtful person, he has taken that for granted. I have been in a similar position, it’s taken a year, and counselling, for me to realise that it wasn’t my fault, that he acted the way he did. That I am a worthwhile person that didn’t deserve to be treated like this. My husband and and I were together for 25yrs,had 4 children, and he didn’t value that. He had 3 affairs that I know about, my youngest, who was only 14 at the time found out on the family computer. I think the hardest thing to cope with is, that you feel so silly, the way that you keep forgiving him. It will get better in time, you have to learn not to be so hard on yourself, it’s because you’re a nice person, it’s nothing that you have done, or haven’t done. It will be a long road, try and get some counselling, if you can, my doctor was very good, organising this for me. What I try and do, is every Friday, I try and think of 1 positive that has happened in the week. Don’t focus on the negative, but it has taken along time, to get this far, and I am just thankful that I have the children. 3 of mine want nothing to do with him, and they are old enough to decide that. Thank goodness goodness. If you want to chat, anytime, it helps when someone else understands what you’re going through.31 October 2020 at 7:14 pm #45250
Thank you both for your responses, it is nice to know that there is support out there, i think the only way i am going to get through this is to keep talking to people.
Sorry to hear about your experience Julie, it seems like you have really been through a bad time as well. I do feel silly for the amount of times i have let him back, each time he seemed more genuine. What i am struggling with is how much this other women persued him even though she knew he was married to me and he had 2 children and after he had dumped her 27 times as well. It was just like a game to her to win him back each time and she wasn’t going to stop until she got her own way. He even had the cheek to blame me for him going back to her and blamed me for an argument that they had after i sent her some not very nice emails telling her exactly what i thought of her. Telling me that i had ruined his future chance of happiness. Unfortunately it didn’t take her long to forgive him.31 October 2020 at 8:32 pm #45251
Hi, Broken 123,i think your doing exactly what I did. It was easier to blame the women, I found that I was making excuses for him. Its taken me a long time to realise, that he would not have done anything he didn’t want to do, he was a very strong character! I like you, was very nieve to think that he would change and realise that he had a lot to loose. I thought that our love would prevail! When in fact love was only on my side. I tried to rationalise his behaviour, and make sense of it. In truth, I don’t think you can, we don’t think like them, we will never understand it, and when you come to terms with that, it helps to stop your brain doing summersaults!! Although I have come along way, I still get my bad days, but I have learned that it’s wasted energy to worry about things that are out of your control. I try and stay strong for the girls. But do try and get some counselling, it does help put things in prospective,you do have to do it in your own time, it took me a long time to feel ready to talk.31 October 2020 at 10:44 pm #45254
I know what you mean i have put a lot of blame on the other women and initially made excuses for his behaviour by believing that he was going through a mid life crisis. Now i blame both of them but you are absolutely right that he only did what he wanted to do and he could have broke the cycle and said no but he didn’t, instead he chose to leave to be with her.
I am going to go and get some counselling because i really need to try and make sense of what has happened and i am dreading the day that my children have to spend time with this women. He has told them that they will love her as she is very kind.1 November 2020 at 1:14 pm #45260
Hi, Broken 123. You will never be able to make sense of what he has done or said. Over the months, I have gone over and over, what he has said, trying to make sense of it. The conclusion, what he says is different, to how he has actions. I don’t think he ever knew what he wanted. He thought the grass was greener on the other side.! You will drive yourself mad, keep going on repeat!! I nearly did. Counselling helped me, to acknowledge that I was more in love with the idea of what it could have been, it made me take my Rose coloured glasses off!! When I look back, I can see, that he was not only a bad husband, he wasn’t a particularly good father. He never had a lot of effort when it came to it, I always said, oh he’s tired, oh he’s stressed at work, when in fact, I think he just didn’t want to be here. I often felt lonely in the marriage, but people have different ways of dealing with it, his was to wander off, with other women. I think in my case, I feel that if he truly loved the kids, and he wasn’t happy, he would have dealt with it in a different way, so as not to hurt the kids as well as me. I am lucky now, that the children are of an age to decide if they want to see him(which they don’t) I have never tried to sway them in this decision, but kids do take in more than you think. I can sympathise with you you, that that your children are young, and they are a lot involved in the situation. My husband and I have had 4 separations in all these years, due to his affairs and anger problems, resulting in social services this time. Our children were young and I felt exactly the same as you, our first instinct is to protect them. It might be an idea to see a solicitor, I think they do the first 1/2hr free. The main thing is to try and make arrangements that you you are both happy with, they can arrange mediation. For yourself, try not to get bitter, it is very self distractive. I have been there, and it can swallow you up, and you end up loosing yourself. Have a little ‘mantra’ I tell myself ‘you can do this, things will get better’ somedays are harder than others, but you will get there.sorry,i think I am starting to waffle!!2 November 2020 at 7:24 pm #45282
Hi Julie123, thank you for your message, i think you are right, i will never be able to make sense of what he has done, his behaviour is so out of character for him, he is like a different person to the one I married. At the moment he is like a lovestruck teenager declaring his undying love for this other women and making plans for their future whilst being nasty to me and hardly having anything to do with his children and claiming that he wants shared custody of them. In 9 days he has managed to spend 1 and a half days with one of them and one day with the other one as my son refused to see him as he had already arranged to meet a friend. My sons are 11 and 12. I don’t think my husband realises the impact he has had on them by walking out.
I just wish i could move on, i feel like a wreck, all i can think about is if i had not responded to her emails would she have gone away and left us alone or would she have turned up on our doorstep.
Do you still see your ex husband? Is he still with the women who he had an affair with? Mine said he wants to be friends but i don’t feel like i can ever be friends with him, he has hurt me too much for that but i do fear that if i can’t get along with him, it is going to hurt my children even more.4 November 2020 at 9:55 pm #45350
Its sounds like you have really had a tough time over the years. I am so so sorry that you have had to go through all that.
I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so i am hoping i will have an idea of where i stand legally. My eldest son is in denial, because my husband kept leaving and returning last year he thinks that he will come back again even though i keep telling him that he won’t be coming back, i don’t think he believes me and my youngest son is heartbroken and i am struggling to get him to school as he is that upset.
I have got my family who are supportive and a couple of friends who have gone through divorce themselves.
It just feels as though there is too much going on, trying to come to terms with him leaving, the anger i feel towards him and his affair partner, i feel as though i have just wasted the last 17 years, that our whole marriage was based on a lie, not knowing if we will be able to stay in the house, getting used to not seeing the boys all the time and missing part of special occasions with them, then all the financial and legal things to sort out. I feel as though i will never be okay again.5 November 2020 at 6:49 pm #45439
Hi Broken 123.I know exactly how you feel,i feel the same, even after a year. You turn around and suddenly your middle age and your on your own. I am still sorting legal stuff out, and the house, it doesn’t help, that the one left behind has so much that they need to arrange, and the children. It does hurt, that they find it so easy to turn their back on you. My husband, I have not long found out, has another woman, not the one he had an affair with, they met about a month after he moved out. We were trying to stay amicable, all the time he was talking about getting new wedding rings, trying to piece together the family again, he was seeing her. I haven’t had much to do with him for around 6 months, he didn’t make a good husband /father, and an even worse friend. I think it is very difficult to try to be friends after, especially if they aren’t honest. I am glad that you are going to see a solicitor, you have to try and get back control!it will show him that you aren’t going to be his doormat anymore. It will enpower you. You have to be ready for it though, it took me 6 months, I, like you, I was so broken hearted, that my head was not in the right place, to deal with it, earlier. The children will adjust, it will just take time, it’s surprising how tough they can be. Just reassure them that they will always have you, lots of hugs and kisses, go down very well. Lean on your friends and family, don’t feel guilty about it, that’s what you need at the moment. People around you that care. On a practical note, what I found useful, I made a list of questions, that I wanted to ask the solicitor, so it’s maximising the time you have with them, take a pad so you can take notes. It also helped me to focus!! In the early stages, I found that I just couldn’t adsorb anything. Hope that it goes well. Thinking of you.6 November 2020 at 9:50 am #45454
Hello. Thank you for sharing this, I’m sure many people will understand that they do not need to be alone with their problems. It was hard for me to read it, but I admire your courage and strength.
With such a person you will not be happy, and you should not torture yourself. Take time for yourself, take care of yourself, not someone else. You need time to understand what to do next.7 November 2020 at 11:18 am #45474
it’s crazy how many of us are going through this. My husband of 17 years worked away in Iraq and met a much younger Muslim girl 15 years younger. I found out just before Xmas but then my daughter nearly died and was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and tried to just get on. At first he made me believe he had no one else but then I found evidence and then in March he moved her over here and explained my children who are 3,12 and 15 to just get on with it. It broke my heart but more so how much he has changed. He seems so cold towards us all. My children stayed with them a few times but wheats felt second best and his GF would go in a mood if she didn’t get his full attention. He went back away in June and has had little contact with the children. Then he come back last month and took her and all her family away instead of seeing our children. I then found out he has changed to a Muslim and had a wedding to her even tho we still married. They now on their honeymoon. He took the children for a meal once and will not see them again now till December. He spending loads on money on her make-up, clothes, car, holidays even computer games and I am left struggling with the children. I have lost all my confidence and feel like a far ugly mess and he never got me anything.
He is on a lot of money but if the kids ask for anything he says he has nothing 😡
I honestly don’t love him anymore and in away glad we not together but can’t get over the change in him. How are 17 years of marriage can they change so much or didn’t we know them at all?
I also struggling with them wanting the kids to stay over which is only every 3 or 4 months. cos I work full time, doing a degree and doing everything else we single parents do they can do fun things with them and play on computers with them and I struggle with this it feels like they like them better and we just stressed.
he also ***** me off to the kids and my 12 year old comes back angry at me.
my children want to spend time with him on his own and feel they lost their dad but he doesn’t see this and took them it’s with her or nothing and that it’s me don’t ideas in their head when I really don’t.
sometimes we can feel so alone but in a nice horrible way it’s good to see others are going through it even tho I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I have days of anger, joy, sadness, and get anger at myself for not being ok and want to just get on.
I wonder how long this feeling last.8 November 2020 at 6:42 am #45492
So sorry you are all (we are all) in this type of situations.
LouLou83, it is awful that he has married, have you looked into bigamy?. Try to get a lawyer especially because of the kids and the money.
My situation has so many similarities but my still husband denies any affairs. He just turned 40, we gave been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (6 and 3) I ‘m not from the UK. He started to change over a year ago.
Nothing in bed, then he changed the diet, when I asked him he said it was stress, then he said our relationship was bad, then he said it was because he didn’t find me attractive anymore.
In lockdown we would we for picnics or walks, we made plans for Xmas. Then something snapped when in a videocall my mum told him he was too skinny. He then made me call her and said to her she was fat, and called me fat as well and lazy (because I didn’t finish to fold all the clothes).-2 years ago he left the house with the excuse of:he couldn’t live in a house where I couldn’t promise to do the laundry 3 times a week-as ridiculous as that.
That was it for me. We are getting divorce, even with all the things he has done to me I still wanted the marriage and I told him so. He was just cold to me, saying this time he wanted the divorce as well. He moved out to his parents, took all his belongings with him.
He doesn’t really contact me if it is not about the divorce, or when he wants to see the kids(which is every weekend for 4 hours). He has a complete new wardrobe.
It just amazes me how quick he let go of everything. His behavior is so different. He made me a file with 3 different scenarios about finances after divorce. Last time we spoke he said he wanted the divorce but wanted to take me out for dinner or coffee to celebrate the good times in our marriage (on the 6th of Nov, our 10th anniversary). So messed up.
I now try to talk to him the least and I have focused on me. I am studying a masters, talk to my family everyday. And to be honest I am thinking about going back to my country as I have no support to raise my children, and a huge gap in my cv because I was a stayed at home mum.
Sorry is so long. Try to focus on yourselves ladies, find who you were before them, again. And embrace this as an opportunity to do something different with your lives. Take the spotlight away from them. We are now the main character!
Big hugs8 November 2020 at 8:41 am #45493
It’s a religious marriage he has done so nothing I can do about it. I have a solicitor involved but feel like she just wants money and not really helping. I have written my own separate arrangement although I did start the divorce I am hoping to pull them that for now until he is working in the UK.
what are you studying? I am doing a degree and has hard as it is I think it keeps me going.
I think like you say it’s the change in that that is the hardest and the hurtful things they say.8 November 2020 at 10:53 am #45495
So annoying you can’t do anything about his marriage.
My masters is in Digital marketing. What is your degree about?
It still hurts. I don’t deny it. But one day at the time. We got this!!!