Met a guy 4 years ago, I was at the time a single mum of 1. We hit it off immediately and were inseparable from the start. We were like chalk and cheese but it just worked. He was just leaving the military after an 18year career. A year after meeting we married. He was almost perfect but every couple of months he suffered from little meltdowns but usually only lasted a few days and he would snap out of it. Put it down to his ptsd. At the beginning he just use to go quiet and ignore me but the last couple of years the meltdowns got worse and if I ignored him, like I had learnt to do he would start to do things for a reaction, like burning my mail, screaming abuse at me etc etc.
We had a child of our own who is 20months old and he has been an amazing hands on Dad, gets home from a long days work but still wants to help with everything.
Then last August he didn’t seem to be able to snap himself out of one of his meltdowns and he got worse and worse and wouldn’t get help, doesn’t like talking about his feelings. We struggled through Christmas and New year only for me to discover he had rented a flat without my knowledge. I was heartbroken, I made him come home from work as I was in shock and I told him to get his stuff and go. That was 5 weeks ago and the only times I have seen him is to collect stuff from our home. He comes and is so angry and says I chucked him out, even though he had rented a flat behind my back! He says he did it to protect us as his illness was getting worse and he couldn’t live with himself being so nasty to me all the time. Healthcare professionals think he almost certainly suffers from Borderline personality disorder on top of his ptsd but without a full assessment we can’t be sure.
I am nearly 42 years old with a toddler and a pre teen. I work part time so at least I do get a break but I just can’t believe this has happened. He has totally washed his hands of our son and that hurts the most. We have gone from being best friends to not being able to talk without screaming and shouting at each other. I find it so hard not to contact him. I have been seeing a counsellor to help me come to terms with all this but how do you stop yourself from contacting your ex, I have accepted there is no going back but I love him and miss him so much. I have no family so I am totally exhausted with work and my toddler has health probs so I am sleep deprived. I went 4 days without any contact then had a bad night and end up ringing him asking why he is not helping me etc etc…how do I break this cycle?