Husband has left me and can't cope
30 August 2019 at 8:45 pm #29835
My husband of 6 years together for 12 told me on Tuesday he was no longer in love with me anymore.
He told me 12 days before that that he wasn’t happy anymore and wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. he says he felt no connection anymore and that we have drifted apart. Also said we don’t get on and always bicker. We had a bad week but I don’t feel it’s been harder and not as enjoyable for no more than a couple of months when I look back. We had sex and passionate kisses etc the week before he left too. I am absolutely devastated and I can’t cope. I want him back so much. we have two girls 2 and 6 and I’m so angry he has walked out. I offered to change things and make him happy again and attend counseling but he just said he doesnt want that and doesn’t want to pretend for the girls but I really was not expecting this.
I suffer with aniexty and I lived for him and my girls. We have been together since we were 18. I know nothing but him.
Please help me move forward. I’m in such a mess. He is the main earner so having to sort all finances and we just moved 2 months ago into a new rented property. Why did he bother if he didn’t want to be with me 😔
Sorry to ramble on I just am distraught and he doesnt even seem to feel any regret.30 August 2019 at 10:09 pm #29837
Hi Georgie26, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.
My husband moved out 6 months ago saying he didn’t know whether he wanted to be part of our marriage and after a couple of months we called time on our marriage. It was such a shock to me, I suggested counselling / offered compromises to things he found difficult bu he didn’t want to do any of them. I realise now that he knew the marriage was over when he moved out, he just was able to say it. I am now a single mum of a 6 & 2.5 year old. I spent weeks so angry at him and the world, until I realised how exhausting it was being so angry so I stopped. I then cried a LOT.
The most helpful thing for me was talking to a therapist who explained to me that the loss of a long term relationship is a major loss and you need to go through all the stages of grieving. It suddenly made sense to me why I have been so angry for so long – I am not usually an angryperson.
I spent a lot of time in the initial weeks questioning why my husband and I had made / discussed all these long term plans when he clearly wasn’t committed to our relationship. After a while I realised I wouldn’t get any answers and it was upsetting me too much, so over time I’ve tried to look forward rather then question what happened before. It’s not easy closing out all those questions, and I find it hard not being able to make future plans.
It’s been hard, we’ve had good and bad days, but we’ve survived and we take everything one day at a time.
I’m really happy to chat anytime. Take care of yourself.31 August 2019 at 9:28 am #29846
Hi there. I’m just going to comment from the other side here, as I’m in the same situation as your hubby.
I have been with my partner 11 years and we have a toddler. I have just reached my limit.
I have changed. I want different things than I wanted even four years ago, but I’ve also been so depressed I’ve been unable to see that it was staying and being unhappy that has been causing the depression.
I’m in no doubt it’s going to be difficult. It’s going to be a killer for me as I like to fix people and make them happy. But I know that I don’t want to stay unhappy for the sake of my child, and I don’t want her to grow up thinking it’s okay to be in an unequal relationship.
That being said I don’t know the ins and outs of why he left, but he will have his reasons.
I just hope when I leave we can be civil for the sake of the child.31 August 2019 at 12:35 pm #29852
I really feel for you Georgie.
I never wanted to give up on my marriage and it makes me angry how some men feel like they can do as they please (I don’t want to start man bashing as tempting as it is!!)
You’re going to have to take deep breaths and be strong now.
You need to take care of yourself… early nights, wholesome foods, no booze…I took St John’s Wort for my mood.
You need to allow yourself good crying sessions, get it all out. These will come in waves and you’ll need to recognise when these moments come and know that they will pass.
This is a challenging time for you and you’ll prove to yourself that you are stronger than you ever thought.
you will get through this and there will be a day when you are happier and you’ll look back on this and be proud of how far you’ve come.11 September 2019 at 6:53 am #30227
your story sounds so familiar. The fear is overwhelming. I did all the crying, and offered to do absolutely anything if he’d just come back.
But the one thing that got me through was to do one thing every day that I wouldn’t have done if he’d been there. So the day after he walked out, I went to the tip. I was crying and shaking. I had no idea what to do. But I did it (I adore the tip now, flinging those bags is therapeutic).
I hung a picture, I’d never used a hammer (I sound like a 1950’s housewife. I’m far from it, but he just did those kind of things). He was shocked when he asked who’d put it up and I said me.
And I suddenly realised I was waking up thinking ok what’s the one thing I’m going to do today? My mindset slowly started to change without me consciously making myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I still had majorly bad days, but slowly they became less. On Friday I moved out of the marital home. It’s taken me nearly 2 years to do it. And I didn’t realise how good it would feel knowing he can’t come and go as he pleases.
Be kind to yourself. If your kids are dressed and fed, you’ve had an amazing day. Because YOU did that. All by yourself.
Take care and happy to chat anytime x11 September 2019 at 11:18 am #30238
I’m sorry about your husband.
Please call Gingerbread’s advice line to find out any benefits entitlement now.
Especially re your home. These claims take time to process.
Solicitor or Mediation or personal agreement with your ex re how much he will be contributing monthly. Get it in writing also division of assets especially if the kids / you are living in the family home. If you have been a home maker and staid at home you will need to consider this, govt courses on splitting up nicely.
You will need to consider whose name is on the tenancy etc.
Gingerbread, CAB and Shelter may be able to advise and signpost. You also need to work out custody.
It isn’t fair, he sounds like an idiot etc but if he is the main breadwinner you have to be practical first. See if there are support groups near you and work out if you can get work / how you will organise childcare etc. It is very hard but the quicker you sort the finances and practicalities the better you will be, the less anxiety over this, and the better off you will be. If it will be too emotional go for mediation. My ex refused and did not pay maintenance for around a decade. If your ex has s full time job it is easier as his salary can be garnished if needed. Assume he will do right by your kids but make a note of his job and assets and get the advice / mediation process started quickly.
Should take around a couple of weeks to know where you stand and hopefully prevent the situation getting worse.11 September 2019 at 4:04 pm #30273
my partner left me in July for someone else and we’d been together for 12 years so I know and feel where you are coming from. However, there had been difficulties in the relationship the year before where I nearly moved out but he stopped me so I totally understand your anger.
I think I’m more angry with the woman who has taken him away from me as it was a complete shock. Saying that, I have been thinking that it wasn’t meant to be and hopefully there will be someone better out there to share my life with.
with regards to finances you may have to claim universal credit as this is what I was advised to do and it can take upto 6 weeks to come through however, you can get a loan upfront to help pay the rent etc.
I believe that time is a great healer and that it may be a little while before you feel like moving on but I am sure you will get there.
if you need to chat further then don’t hesitate to contact me.11 September 2019 at 11:57 pm #30288
hi georgie ivr pmed u x12 September 2019 at 9:46 am #30299
Hi Victoria Luckie
I have sent you a personal message.
Kind regards, Justine12 September 2019 at 10:43 am #30302
I have done as you asked – would you like me to change the profile picture also?