Hurts like hell

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Mariamazzy 4 months ago.

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  • #26092 Report

    PinkyJ
    Participant

    Hi, I’m newly single.

    Husband, of nearly 20 years and 12 years married, walked out needing space nearly 10 weeks ago, we’d had an argument over me rejecting him (sex), not being affectionate enough or making an effort for him and he couldn’t take it anymore. Crap, we’d have relations at least once a week!!  We have 2 school age children and  I was running my own business.

    So I gave him the space he craved but about 3 weeks ago now, he turned round and said I can’t see any way forward except that it’s over!!!!

    He’s not even tried to work on our marriage where as I’ve done everything and more to save it, made myself look nicer for him, I’ve closed my business so I had more time for him but none of that matters now.  I think it was over the moment he stepped out that door 😞

    He’s been gone so long I’m now done, not sure if a third party involved but there’s certainly a “female friend” who could be influencing, apparently been through similar!

    Anyway that’s my background but what I really want to know is how you get through the hurt? He’s planning on going away for 12days in August but not take our children along…..this is something we’d planned as a family back at the beginning of the year but never booked because we couldn’t decide on where to go.

    Hurt me not our children 😢

     

     

    #26106 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi Pinkyj

    My situation is the reverse of yours but almost a carbon copy.

    After 23 years of marriage and 3 children. Their mother decided to call it s day. She told me that the marriage was going wrong for two years but decided to say nothing🤬

    I now have the kids in my care and they are doing great. When she told me she wanted out I was all over the place anger frustration loss. Over time they faded. However I still do have bad times although not as often.

    I know that their is a third party involved but she won’t admit it. The lies and deceit is more upsetting than me knowing she has a younger model 😂

    As soon as I feel the hurt creeping up I will find something that needs doing and get on with it. For me the biggest upset was the change to my daily routine. Another method I do too relieve the hurt and anxiety is the 3 3 3 breathing technique.

    Breath in to the count of 3 seconds

    Hold it for 3

    Then breath out for 3

    I do this ten times and it work for me.

    Don’t expect miracles straight away but after a few goes you may be pleasantly surprised.

    It’s easy for people to say it gets better.

    But it does. Remember separation or divorce is similar to a bereavement and the greatest healer is time.

    P

    #26107 Report

    PinkyJ
    Participant

    Thank peter!

    It is most certainly the lies and deceit that hurt the most, he’s lying to his family, me, the kids (including his adult child from previous partner, before we met)

    I’m most definitely done with him now, not allowed to get to me anymore but I won’t have him hurt the children. My daughter was in bits and almost hyper ventilating because he said he wouldn’t make a school event 🤬

    I have downloaded Headspace app and this has really helped with my anxiety and sleep really, my friend has given me a vape and this is helping taking the edge off a bit.

    I know things will get better, just need to get over each new hurdle when they come.

     

    #26109 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi PinkyJ,

    I am another one am afraid… 23 years together, 15 married & he just up and left (actually twice in the space of 7 months).  Everything was my fault & he denied there was anyone else which was not the case.  Its the deceit for me, I believe the affair was going on for the best part of 8 months and for someone I trusted so long to blatantly lie to my face is a hard pill to swallow & makes trusting anyone else going forward very difficult.   I felt like I had been thrown away like a piece of rubbish with no consideration for my feelings, it wiped my confidence & belief in my own judgement.

    I too have struggled with anxiety & am still on medication (hoping to come off soon but for a variety of reasons now is not the right time) & like some of the other parents have worked through the Lets Talk programme which you can self refer for.

    The marital home has been sold & divorce is well underway, I am just starting to re-build my life after the most horrendous 12 months.. It will get better I promise, though I do still have days where I duck under the duvet and try to pretend it isn’t happening!

    He has only just started contact again with our youngest DD who is almost 15 & our eldest is not speaking to him at the moment.  Its’ his loss as far as I am concerned.

    Take care

    #26129 Report

    PinkyJ
    Participant

    Ohh such sad stories from both of you 😭

    why do they do this to us??? Such a hurtful thing to do is lie, and liars always get found out.

    The grass is never greener and if it is it’s fake! If mine is seeing someone else, it won’t last.

    I’m still in the marital home and want to be at least until the youngest is 18, he’s still paying the mortgage (as he said ‘I won’t make you homeless’ big of him and he can’t as we joint own it)

    I am learning to move on but got to get advise on where I stand really, I’m not budging from this house and nor are our children 🤬

    #26513 Report

    Anie
    Participant

    PinkyJ

    Your situation regarding the marital house is similar to mine but he has decided we can no longer stay in the house (initially said we could stay) and have to sell. (He had valuations when myself and the children were away and accessed house without permission.) All the equity is in the house, not sure how long I can stay put before I am forced to move?

    Background he has been unhappy for years (apparently) all my fault as moody, critical etc and I agreed and asked to try counselling. He didn’t engage persisted in blaming me for everything, no responsibility himself or willing to address any changes and then it turns out he has been having an affair! It’s been 3 months since he moved out and I am devastated.

    Please say this gets better.

    #26516 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi S

    It does get better. When she decided she wanted out it felt like my whole world imploded. I couldn’t think straight at all.

    Of course it was all my fault🤬. She said it been going wrong for two years🤬🤬🤬

    That seems to be the excuse for everyone who wants out it really winds me up.

    WHY not mention it and try to fix it?

    Why wait two years. My reasoning is that it takes that long for them to persuade themselves ( probably with the help of friends and family) that nothing will fix it.

    P

    #26519 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi,

    With regards to the house it was a very brief consideration for me but it was too expensive to pay the bills by myself & to be honest both me and my youngest DD wanted somewhere smaller to call our own & make new memories.  We (I hope) are almost in our new home, still waiting for the paperwork to be finalised but looking forward to a nice shopping spree to make us both feel better, just hoping when I open the stuff from the storage unit I don’t hate everything in there (we are currently at my parents so its like home away from home).

    I would be a little careful of believing him about staying there too, mine was really messing about with mortgage payments at one point & did not pay anything towards any of the bills after he packed his bags… Have you taken legal advice?

    Hang in there it doesn’t go away but the pain does dull.. I have managed another tear free week which is always a bonus especially as STBXH has crawled out from the rock he was under to finally try and make amends with youngest DD and give me grief with CMS!!!

    Never a dull day, but I would settle for a nice beach and a glass of wine sometime soon 🙂

    #26520 Report

    PeterD
    Participant

    Hi

    We moved house last week and I decided not to bring anything with us except the beds and white goods and of course the TVs 😁😁 basically leaving the memories behind and it works 😁😁😁

    Its a fresh start and fresh memories.

    Its scary to start off but it’s a new challenge and you will feel a lot better.

    P

    #26574 Report

    Mariamazzy
    Participant

    hi im maria im seperated 15 mths ago my daughter was in hospital i got home late at night to a note he left took our dog.   Never heard a word from him sonce changed his mobile numbsrs.  I have ny a clue were he is.    Its brojen me the last 15 months x

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