How to tell teen boys that I want to build new life with man I had affair with.

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Lola 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #23972 Report

    MumofTwoBoys
    Participant

    Hello folks,

    I have searched endlessly and can’t find any relatable advice..  My husband and I are separating after 26 years together..16 married. Years of feeling like a non person in the relationship led to a 9 week extra marital relationship developing with a good friend last year Feb to Apr 18.  That was discovered a year ago and both parties tried to put things back on track. My husband and I called time on our relationship at the end of October…7 months after the affair was discovered. I’m missing out all the anguish and heartache of those months, but I guess you all know about that. I got back in touch with the man and discovered he and his wife were about to call it a day too, and we decided we both want to build a proper relationship. Since Christmas I have been trying to work out how to move things on, finance wise as well as emotionally…my husband and I are both freelancers in the theatre industry and we find it hard to keep ONE roof over our heads!  Cut to : 6 weeks ago, my Husband discovered that I was seeing the man again and since then we have been going through the inevitable storm. Where we are now is our boys aged 14 and nearly 12 know we are separating but don’t know about my new partner.

    My husband wants me to say that I got back in touch after we agreed to separate and that in the future when living arrangements are sorted, that I want to try to build a life with him. He is paranoid that the boys will find out about it through other channels…which I can understand.

    At the moment I have no clear plan as to where or when I will move out and set up a second family home..the finances are going to be really challenging, and feel pushed into telling them about my new partner before things are worked out.

    The dilemma is If I tell them now, and am still in the family home, does it mean I am in limbo with my new partner? I need some clarity about what my husband means by in the future, and does he mean not see my new man at all? ( Just thinking out loud. We are going to have that talk tonight)

    I want to do the best to make the news/transition for the boys as pain free as possible. I am NOT going to move straight in with my man. We want to build a normal relationship from a starting point of me being independent…ideally?

    I am going round in circles and feeling pressured by my husband. He keeps saying that our situation is like no other, and that the boys know about him already from last year…it was all very ugly and horrible tbh.

    I feel it can’t be a unique situation, but I do know that it is most often the father who moves out of the family home, for whatever reason.

    Can anyone here offer any similar experience to relate to?

    I am already being cast as the wicked betrayer and ” leaving her kids for him” by my new partner’s ex wife. I’m not. My marriage broke down after years of torment and I now need to start afresh in a new place for my boys….AND build a proper relationship from the ground up with my new partner.

    Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

    Many thanks

     

     

    #23979 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    I think inevitably that you need to be prepared that your children may hold you personally accountable for the smashing of their world. They’re likely to be resentful towards the man. Accepting this may help as to you it was a dead end relationship to them it was their life and all they’ve ever known.

    i agree that you should be honest – you’ve decided to split – this could take time – the other man is also on the horizon again – you want to see how it goes. That’s better than then finding out through other means. You also buy yourself some credibility by being honest. You probably need to show remorse that you have acted dishonourably and caused unintentionally heartache to your oh and children.

    Realistically if your finances aren’t great you may need to look at house shares or similar but these wouldn’t be appropriate for overnight child contact and your children may decide for a time to have no contact.

    Ultimately no mother wants their children to view them as yours may, but better as an honest mother than dishonest mother.

     

    #23981 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    I’ve got to admit that Solomummy is right, you have no choice but to face up to the fact that you had an affair, I’m not judging it as I know how life is sometimes but to build up your relationship with your kids you have to be honest. I would never say a relationship outside of your relationship is right but I also know some things are dead and finished long before its acknowledged.

    One thing I am concerned about is that you say you won’t move in with the new guy, but how much contact will he have with your children? I feel that after a long relationship that all parties need to take time out and readjust to the new situation before introducing new elements, especially so of children, they are so adaptive yet so vulnerable to the big issues.

    Sorry this hasn’t been the most positive of posts, primarily I’m thinking of your children.

    Mark

    #23982 Report

    MumofTwoBoys
    Participant

    Thanks both…Yes of course my boys are the main focus for me, and my husband and I have already clearly agreed that I won’t introduce my new partner into the newly forming relationship that my boys and my husband and I are going to be working on…not for a long while yet.

    I am prepared for kick back from them both…the older son especially, but to be honest, the atmosphere in the house over the past few years has been so unpleasant that they are kind of relieved that we are separating. Far from smashing all they have known, it is the responsible thing for both of us to have finally called an end to the marriage…with or without me having found someone else.

    My husband and I have talked tonight and have got clarity in how we are going to tell them tomorrow.

    Thanks for your input.

    Much appreciated.

     

    #24109 Report

    Tired
    Participant

    Be honest and explain marriage was over before the affair and you were very unhappy unsupported etc.Tell them you love them it’s not their fault but you need to move on and be happy.

    #24135 Report

    Lola
    Moderator

    Hi

    If you’d like to talk to someone about what to say to your children, you can ring Family Lives on 0808 800 2222.  Here’s a link to their website https://www.familylives.org.uk/

     

     

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